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I can't believe what I just found out - am I overreacting?

(23 Posts)
MyNewNameIsDifferent Fri 18-Jul-08 06:10:39

Last night my DP was on PC when the phone rang and he went off to answer it, leaving his email inbox open on the screen.

Normally I'd just close it but a few emails caught my eye - they were from the dating site that we first met on a couple of years ago, offering him potential matches.

I can't believe he is still a member and evidently logs in.

I didn't dare snoop around too much, so I closed his email down, and created a profile for the site (I deleted mine when we became serious), which showed that he had logged in in the last 24 hours. Same profile he had when we met, "single", "no children" - we have a baby on the way late this year.

Not quite sure how to play this - haven't slept all night. Obviously don't want him to know I saw his emails (I know he would twist it around to make it look like I've been snooping), but I cannot get this out of my head.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Any suggestions?

No evidence of this in the history, so he's obviously deleted his tracks (the same way he does when he looks at the porn sites, but they still show up in the drop down address bar, which makes me laugh, because I don't care if he look at porn. I do, however, care if he is on the lookout for a new DP).

Alexa808 Fri 18-Jul-08 06:19:57

Hi MNNID, can sympathize with you. Sorry you were up all night.
Over a year ago I found the same with my now DH. He hadn't updated a thing and been in touch with 1st ex-girlfriend. I tried to be very calm about it but failed miserably blowing my top in the middle of a very distinguished restaurant. His excuses were laziness, SHE got in touch first (which isn't true and when I told him I had to give away the fact I had read all emails). Main reason was we had a tricky patch and been through enormous stress which resulted in him looking for affirmation. Not affairs or sex, just a kind word from someone he once knew.

I would advise you to be calm about it, easier said than done, I know. It will buy you time to watch him a bit. How long have you guys been together? Are there any other things which have changed in your relationship? Tensions over baby? Pressures from work, money, family?

OneLieIn Fri 18-Jul-08 06:29:32

MNNID - do you think it could all be innocent and could just be laziness 'can't be bothered / has not been bothered to stop the emails?' I know my DH can be monumentally slack at stopping email subscriptions.

Is this a website you pay for or is it a freebie? Could you use the 'just clearing up our finances' to see if he is paying for this?

If it was me, I would be breaking into his email to check (tuts at my own bad behaviour!)

Do stay calm, it may all well be innocent.

MyNewNameIsDifferent Fri 18-Jul-08 06:46:15

There is not bothering to stop the emails, and there is actively logging in when the emails arrive. "Warmheart4ubunny has just winked at you" was opened and read. "Is your perfect partner in here?" was opened and read.

It's a site which claims free access but you'd have to pay to contact/be contacted anybody. As far as I can tell, he's only on the free access. For now.

But he's obviously looking, which makes me feel really really weird.

We've been together 2 years, baby on the way, very much wanted, his suggestion! I have family problems, work problems at the mo, the only change he has is baby stuff. We'd been getting on really well, better than ever in fact.

MascaraOHara Fri 18-Jul-08 06:49:35

so email him from your new profile and find out..

..maybe I'm sick but that's what I'd do..

MascaraOHara Fri 18-Jul-08 06:51:36

something like...

hi I'm xxx,

I'm single, x age, no children.. I like blah blah blah.. how about you? why not get back to me and we can have a chat or maybe meeting up for a coffee sometime..

MyNewNameIsDifferent Fri 18-Jul-08 06:52:43

MOH, I do want to know what he's capable of but I'm not prepared to fork out subscription fees to do so.

(yet.)

gagarin Fri 18-Jul-08 06:56:26

Perhpas he sees is as just "eyeing up the talent"? As harmless as looking at pretty girls in a pub?

If you have to pay to contact anyone and he hasn't then IMO he's just ogling - not very nice behaviour but maybe at the same level as when I read the lonely hearts/dating ads in the paper and vaguely decide who'd I go for....tall dark...into yoga..blah blah?

DiscoDizzy Fri 18-Jul-08 06:57:26

I think if I had doubts and wanted to know, i'd be forking out subscription fees. It'd tear me apart otherwise.

MascaraOHara Fri 18-Jul-08 06:57:36

so unless he;s paying he can't read or write messages? I'd say your fairly safe then.

do you know he's not paying?

MyNewNameIsDifferent Fri 18-Jul-08 07:00:52

I don't think he's paying. I'm not sure how I could find out, short of hacking him.

wannaBe Fri 18-Jul-08 07:24:05

am with MOH.

Start some online contact with him.

and then arrange to meet.

and then confront him when he turns up.

Alexa808 Fri 18-Jul-08 07:24:48

I see. Active, hmmm. Can you see who he's last looked at? Last viewed profiles, etc.

Agree with MOH and DD. What's a few quid for peace of mind? I'd be forking that money out if it meant I got an answer...never mind if it's good or bad. At least that'd clear things up for you.

As for 'just baby stuff'. Men can be funny creatures you know. Sure he wanted the baby, sure he's excited. But let's be honest. It'll all be very real for him once bubba is out and screaming. Before that, men hardly bond with a fetus. It feels different to us because we can feel the hiccups, the kicks and the miracle. To your dp this ruddy website might just be the last gulp of 'fresh air', IYSWIM. That doesn't mean he's not commited to you and baby.

Another option would be to just ask him in a sly way. Cook a nice meal, pour him a glass of red and sit down, chat about god and the world. Then, when he's most comfortable (not drunk, just relaxed), ask him what he'd do if he got chatted up by a girl now. How he would feel, etc. Then listen carefully, let him finish! Then ask him how he'd feel if you got chatted up, if he says: Oh, but you're pregnant, then retort: Let's say online. You know, if I still had my old online profile. How would you want me to react, how'd you feel.

If he's a bit too blase about someone chatting you up, then I'd be carefully checking him out.

poshtottie Fri 18-Jul-08 07:44:30

This happened to me with dh. We had only been together a few months. It was all a bit of a whirlwind romance and then I found out I was pregnant. He had looked at a free site and I found out the same way you did. I confronted him and said if thats what he wanted to do then I would be leaving him. He knew I was serious and we are now happily married.

CB13 Fri 18-Jul-08 08:10:34

I think the fact that you can't tell your DP that you stumbled upon his emails is really worrying. That says more than the fact that he has probably been too lazy to opt out of the emails from the dating site. You did it innocently so why not just say it to him. Does he know that you know he looks at online porn? Don't think all this sneaking around is helpful on either part. Deleting history etc. what's to hide? It doesn't bode well.

objectivity Fri 18-Jul-08 08:14:47

Um, can I just interject? I met dp using dating sites and I am now not looking/using those sites but I still get stuff in my inbox from them even though I've not visited any of the sites for over a year.

Flier Fri 18-Jul-08 08:27:00

Be truthful. Tell him what happened last night, making sure to stress that you were most definately not snooping, but ask him why he's still getting emails from the site, perhaps it is just as simple as him not cancelling his emails from them.

wannaBe Fri 18-Jul-08 08:55:20

the getting emails is one thing. I think it's quite common to keep getting spam from sites you sign up to in much the same way as getting credit card invites etc through the post.

But the key here is that op has looked at the site and her dp is still logging into the site so it's not just emails.

Alexa808 Fri 18-Jul-08 08:59:07

Seems to be more a case of her dp actually visiting the site, logging in and deleting his www history...

VinegarTits Fri 18-Jul-08 09:14:45

I don't agree that you should be trying to catch him out by pretending to be a potential date on this site this will only end in tears, i suggest you talk to him, tell him you saw he had emails from that site and ask him why he is still using it, my guess is he isnt a paying member, but he still gets the emails and is probably just curious. I say this because i have done it myself, im lazy and havent bothered to delete a profile i have on a dating site, when i get emails i still look at them out of curiosity.

If he is a loving partner who shows no other signs of not wanting to be in a relationship with you then i think you are about to make a moutain out of a mole hill by snooping and trying to catch him out(this is not only dangerous, but childish imo), you will loose his trust this way. Just talk to him about it! and ask him to delete his profile so he doesnt get any more emails.

zippitippitoes Fri 18-Jul-08 09:23:07

i met my bf on pof and profile is deleted from there but i am still on guradian soulmates which is a paid site i have just been too lazy to delete and if i do get any emails i go and look what they look like

i am just nosey/vaguely curious

and actually i have looked at pof...i looked at women my age on there recently

again just out of interest

i also looked to see if bf still had a profile..again just out of curiosity

i know he had one for ages after i deleted mine and was getting emails...he didn't do anything with them tho

so i dont think you can necessarily read anything into it

i have no interest in actively looking for anyone else at all

OverMyDeadBody Fri 18-Jul-08 09:25:56

I agree with vinegartits and zippi.

Don't read too much into this or blow it all out of proportion.

MyNewNameIsDifferent Mon 21-Jul-08 09:46:05

Update:

The reason I felt he'd go mad if he knew I'd been snooping is because, ages ago, I accidentally opened one of his text messages. We have very similar mobiles, and the one on the table beeped, I'd had a few glasses of wine and thought it was mine so opened the text, whilst reading it dawned on me that as it was his mate then it probably wasn't my phone - but I saw that there were also texts from his ex (completely innocent, about a lift to the airport), which I asked him about, he went mad, due to one of his exes being a real snooper. Next day, full of apologies, but angry enough when it happened for me to never want to snoop again. This was about a year ago.

Anyway, back to the dating site. I waited until Saturday morning, we were out for a walk when I just fessed up, said I'd seen there were emails from Dating Direct, and that I was upset that he was still on there. Didn't mention I'd created a profile.

He was absolutely reasonable and really sorry, said he didn't know how to stop them coming, had logged in to try and delete it but couldn't work out how to terminate it.

So, when we got home he asked me to help him delete it, as I'd deleted mine. I could barely remember how to do it! They'd hidden the link in really small letters at the bottom of a page, so he deleted it there and then in front of me.

THANK GOD FOR THAT. Thank God I didn't go apeshit! Thank you all for managing to keep me calm. I can change my screen name back now and carry on being all loved up and up the duff.

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