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He pretends he is a new age man but really he is a cave man...

(12 Posts)
mamachat Thu 17-Jul-08 20:52:18

I have just started a new job which is not regular work and my dp is not happy about it and tries to make me feel like a bad mother for leaving my daughter for 12hours on the days that I work... I want to work 1 day every week and he tries to make me feel like that is too much...

I think he is jealous as I earn more money than him in a day...

Also he has recently started going out for drinks when he fancies it (not that often) but does not give any notice and decides on the day to go out.

I am still bf dd even though she is 1 so that would be his reason why I need to be at home alot or cannot go outwith giving him any notice... Even tho I know he would be really mad if I went out and did not give him notice...

I feel like he is trying to controll me and make me stay at home alot..

With the work situation he said we do not need the money so I don't really need to work..

Well he doesn't need the money but I do as we do not have a joint account. He pays bill etc but I need money in my pocket too. He said if I want 'pocket money' he will give me some. TRhen said like '£30 per week'. I am not a dam child I need my own money.

I dont really want to have a massive argument with him about these issues but clearly he is being controlling and an arse hole...

I feel the relationship is unbalenced and just because I am a woman does not mean I have no rights to a life. Its not my fault that men are made so crap that they cannot give birth to a child. So why should I have to not work and not go out because I am capable of giving birth...

Elasticwoman Thu 17-Jul-08 21:46:14

mamachat - if you want to work, there are very good reasons why you should do it. Financial security, keeping your hand in, keeping your skills and morale up. The longer you stay out of the job market, the harder it is to re-enter it. Later, your child will have the role models of 2 working parents. All good reasons to work, esp if only 1 day a week.

Your dh is probably scared of you leaving dd while she is still bf, although he need not be. People think that a bf child cannot be left without the mother, even if the bf is not still the major part of the diet.
Perhaps you could address this fear in some way.

Re dh giving you "pocket money". The way you describe it does sound humiliating, but it depends how it's done. I stayed at home as a SAHM for years and dh made a standing order to my account (we always kept separate ones) which was to cover housekeeping, and that became my money.

meemar Thu 17-Jul-08 21:53:14

You are as entitled to get a job as he is. If he doesn't want dd left for those 12 hours why doesn't he take that day off work to be with her. He has already said money is not the issue.

As you have said, this is about control rather than anything else, and it needs sorting out.

mamachat Thu 17-Jul-08 21:53:43

well he always leaves money in the kitchen for me to pay bill, buy food or anything else.

But i just feel that i should have access to as much money as i want when i want as i always have done because i work.

I do not want to spend his money tho as would rather make my own and do as i wished with it... also its not like i would spend it on rubbish as i am carefull with money and dont waste it..

mamachat Thu 17-Jul-08 21:58:27

he works shifts and juggles it about so he can look after dd...

i just feel things are unbalenced completely...

I called him tonight as he went out and only text to say he was going. when he finally answered his phone i made it clear i was unhappy with him going out and if i did that he would of been unhappy...

then his phone died so he is out and i cantcall him...

i cant imagine how massive our arguments would be if i did that...

madamez Thu 17-Jul-08 22:02:55

Yup, he think's you're a 'woman' rather than a person and that now you have a baby you no longer need a life: your job is to service your partner and your child. Tell him that you don't need his 'permission' to work, make the arrangements for job/childcare and just do what you want to do with a nice smile. He will either get over himself, or you'll know it's time to move on.

mamachat Thu 17-Jul-08 22:07:37

madamez - you make a very good point.. i dont know why i let him makeme feel guilty for working wen i no i am doing noting wrong...

ginnny Fri 18-Jul-08 13:45:21

He sounds quite controlling - if you don't need to work, why don't you have a joint bank account and share all the money in it equally.
He wants to keep you dependent on him, because that way he can go to the pub at the drop of a hat and he thinks you can't do anything about it.
Tell him to shove it, enjoy your job and your independence and when you are no longer bf have a few impromptu booze ups yourself.
[men] why is it one rule for them and one for us?

ginnny Fri 18-Jul-08 13:46:07

... and another thing, interesting that his phone 'died' just as you were telling him you weren't happy with him going out. hmm
The oldest trick in the book!!

mamachat Fri 18-Jul-08 21:33:33

ginny - you are very right...

Just to update you all, he didn't get in untill 4 this morning...

So I told him to pack his bags and get out... So he has gone now..

I really feel I had to do it as I let him away with it once already, going out and not givin me any notice. But he was back that night at 12pm...

If I do not make a stand and make it very clear that I am not happy he will do it more often and keep pushing the boundraies...

Also I told him EXACTLY how I felt about the work situation. I told him I am no little lady that stays at home waiting for the BIG working man to return.. FU*K that!!!!!!

neva Fri 18-Jul-08 22:56:04

Mamachat, I sympathise, my ex used to do the 'I'm off out now' thing. It wasn't long before I was actually rather glad when he did go out.

I agree it's about control. In an equal relationship, no-one should behave like that. He should be happy that you are working if it makes you happy! Good luck.

mamachat Fri 18-Jul-08 23:04:29

Neva - thanks, exactly he is not treating me like his equal so that is why I told him to get out, I really feel I need to stand up to him...

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