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I don't like my MIL at all and it depresses me

(15 Posts)
ColumboTheFormerCookieMonster Mon 14-Jul-08 09:36:22

I've tried, I have made great efforts to include her in DS's life, but the more I get to know her the more I find her to be no good - she is an emotional blackmailer in my opinion and is very religiously devout and likes to wax lyrical about a loving god but she is one of the most hypocritical, small minded, judgemental and selfish people I have ever come across. Seriously. She has huge great moral black holes, which she will gloss over and not think about. She makes huge fusses about petty things and then ignores huge family issues which really should be talked about.

I've just come from spending the weekend with them and I feel depressed today, everything she says, every opinion she has, seems to be the exact opposite of what I feel is reasonable.

I worry about the future. That DS may soon start picking up on my antipathy for her.

maidamess Mon 14-Jul-08 09:38:48

I dont not think you are obliged to like your MIL. Yes, try to tolerate her and be polite but don't break your back over it. Some people are just deeply unlikeable.

Your ds will love her regardless until he gets a little older and can see her for what she is, and he will still love her.

My Mum is like this, definitely an acquired taste. I use her as a role model for how NOT to behave.

TheProvincialLady Mon 14-Jul-08 09:42:48

If you are just worrying that your DS will realise you don't like her then maybe this will reassure you. My DH mother could not stand her MIL (his grandma) and I can see why, as she was very domineering and obsessed with the men in the family whilst ignoring the girls and women. But she still visited and whilst not tolerating any personal criticisms or really outrageous behaviour, she was polite. My DH always knew that they didn't really like each other but respects his mum for not making a big thing of it for his sake and his sister's. He had a good relationship with his grandma as she was a different character with him, and a good relationship with his mum too. Do you think something like that could work for you?

TheMadHouse Mon 14-Jul-08 09:47:20

You know what - I dont like my MIL either, BUT

She is the grandmother of my two sons, so I tolerate her. In small doses.

She loves the children and they love spending time with her, but that doesnt mean I have to.

I used to get so angry that she would give them chocolate buscuits and caprisun drinks, but it is only once a fortnight if I am lucky.

My MIL has two states really cleaning or asleep and is also the biggest martry going and I let her get on with it.

I am sure the boys will make their own decisions once they are old enough. They need different things from her to be honoust and also they would miss out on my FIL if I didnt take them and he more than makes up for her.

waffletrees Mon 14-Jul-08 09:59:48

Columbo - are you my SIL? She sounds like my mum.

You do not have to like your MIL but it is a good idea to be civil to her. Is there anyway when she come to visit you that you have alot to do and your DH can deal with the brunt of her visits?

Your DCs will love her but they will always love their mum more.

Smile and nod, smile and nod. Those kind of people aren't worth getting stressed about. You married your dh, not his mother and as everyone has said, you aren't obliged to like her. If I were you I'd zone her out as much as you can (take a book?) OR try to find some common ground with her so you can change the subject to cooking/gardening/emmerdale whatever when she starts blathering about things which upset you.

Don't worry about your ds, as long as he doesn't overhear you badmouthing her to your friends and then say "mummy thinks you're a witch!" when at mil's, it'll all be ok. wink

mum2oandh Mon 14-Jul-08 10:06:16

My MIL is the only thing I will ever truly regret about having children. I cannot bear her, so I do understand.
However she is my dc's nan and my dh's mum, so I have no choice but to grit my teeth and try to be the bigger person, I agree with maidamess, be civil, polite and tolerant and try not to let it get to you.
MIL's eh, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em ('tis a shame) grin

Dropdeadfred Mon 14-Jul-08 10:12:20

Why not engineer it that your DH sees her with the dcs without you being there as much as possible?

ColumboTheFormerCookieMonster Mon 14-Jul-08 10:34:08

Well, DH travels a lot with business and MIL is nearer than my family who live at the other end of the country, so often she comes to stay to keep me company/help with DS while DH is away.

I am more than civil to her and I think she would be surprised to know how I really feel about her.

DH never saw his family apart from a few days at Christmas for years so even after we were married we didn't see much of them, but since DS has been born I've been making much more effort than DH to have them over and take DS to see them, as I come from a broken home and missed out on loving grandparents and really wanted that for DS. FIL is a lovely man and DS really loves him. He does love MIL as well of course.

I think maybe I'm just now starting to realise why DH tended to keep his distance, and I've built all these bridges with MIL and got her too close?

Anyway, I know you're all right it is just a question of keeping an internal emotional distance from her while still being polite and friendly, and not letting it get to me when all the religious dogma/sweep all the problems under the carpet stuff starts up.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 14-Jul-08 10:46:39

She comes to keep you company and you can't stand her? Do you really want all that help with the DS from her? You need to phase out this 'keeping company' gently especially if she doesn't know you don't like her. Who started the arrangement that she would come to keep you company?

Dropdeadfred Mon 14-Jul-08 11:47:47

Yes..next time dh is away tell her you are busy/have a friend staying/want some time alone...then cool down on the phone calls and don't let her know DH's every move then she won't expect inviting round to 'keep you company'

TheMadHouse Mon 14-Jul-08 11:58:16

I also find that telling myself that she did OK with DH helps grin

ColumboTheFormerCookieMonster Mon 14-Jul-08 13:37:52

She is alright in many ways but it is just this huge area of hypocrisy and blindness to the controlling effect that she exerts on others, plus the whole martyr thing. She sees herself as the saintly matriarch of a successful golden family when in fact all her children are forced to lie to her about most things they do because she'll be offended/upset/"cry for a week" if she knew the reality. However I wouldn't say that I can't stand her...it's more that familiarity breeds contempt. I guess a regular visit for a couple of days would be OK, but not the two week marathons of the past.

DH had weird distant relationship from her and I hardly had anything to do with her...then DS was born and things changed a bit...she is OK in small doses it is just that as I have got to know her and see her behaviour and some of the stuff she says I am having this dawning feeling that I'm going to have to change tack before she drives me nuts.

ColumboTheFormerCookieMonster Mon 14-Jul-08 13:39:48

TMH - unfortunately my DH is the black sheep of the family and left home at earliest opportunity so no credit to her on that front. He is a lovely bloke but all his faults (those that he has) seem to be traceable back to her!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 14-Jul-08 13:42:44

Columbo

I sympathise. She sounds exactly like my MIL too.

Would suggest you also read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. It may help you find a way forward.

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