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has anyone had a break/seperated for a while and got back together again?(10 Posts)
related to my other thread, I was wondering has anyone reconciled with an ex after a break/seperation?
I know it probably sounds mad but i was wodnering if a year or so livign apart might not help me get my head on straight and figure out if things are worht saving, and for DH to either decide he's better off out of it or that he does miss me and is willing to make an effort in changing his behaviuors.
See if we seperated now I'd get a place very close by and I'd want DS to spend time at both our houses (2-3 nights with dad) and I'd quite want to do the odd thing together as parents for DS sake - like both take him to a party/trip out and be together at Xmas and Birthday for him.
It would work out financially (for complicated reasons I wont' go into here but nothing to do with skimming benefits)
So basically I'm saying,
give me some space to try and get myself back together again and get my confidence and independance back,
give both of us some rest from the endlessness of DS needs.
Give DH time to focus on his work and getting the promotion he wants without the distraction of a SN child and ill wife,
give DH time to work out if being able to play the drums at 9pm is better than having me and DS around
Give me chance to think about how much of Dh behaviuor is really awful and how much is merely irritating me cos I'm so tired and ill.
Giving it chance for the anger and tiredness to drain away and start fresh
or am I beign impossibly naive and silly?
A great friend and her husband did this. They had been together 16 yrs. He ran off after surprise 3rd baby arrived (other two were older) with another bird.
She coped well, with babe, even had a wee fling herself. Now amusingly calls it her sabbatical. They are very happily back together.
Also my parents split up after 36 yrs marriage, for a few months then got back to gether. It does happen
I think you would be taking a HUGE risk that you'll completely grow apart.
You are assuming that a man who has trouble being a family man when he has a wife to help will transform to become a willing full on father for 1/3rd to half the week.
If he increases the time he spends with your son, and playing drums and going off swimming at 9pm etc, how is he also going to find extra time to devote to his career?
We had 5 months apart when DS2 was 2 and a half - went back to Mum and Dad's.
This was 3 and a half years ago.
We sorted ourselves out, and learned how to talk in the meantime
we had a split, i told him it was for good, but in my mind i thought it was temporary. He met someone else in that time and they now have a baby.
He wont ever come back now, like i thought.
Totally different situation, but my parents did. This was ye olden days though - they met at 18ish, went out for six years, split for a couple of years and then got back together and have been married for 30 years, most of it happily with the occasional hiccup.
Personally I think a break can be a very worthwhile thing to do, but there are no guarantees it will fix your relationship.
Dp and I split for 6 weeks last year (actually he left me because he couldn't cope with the pressure from his family and friends about being with a single mother) he missed us and decided that he wanted be a family with us. This was a year ago and last month we got engaged. Deep down i still haven't forgiven him the pain he caused me but things are great and hes a wonderful step father. Wanting a break nearly back fired on him tho, i had a fling with someone else during the 6 weeks.
halia, I'm totally unqualified to comment from personal experience, but I read your other thread and I can see why you are considering this, because the other alternative seems to be leaving him altogether.
I couldn't decide from your other thread whether I thought your DH's behaviour was neglectful verging on abusive or the behaviour of a man who,for whatever reason, was completely lacking any coping mechanism for dealing with a difficult situation. Either way, your current situation is doing you no good at all.
From what you said about your financial circumstances, you could have the option of moving out and back in without losing too much, if it did work out for you both.
I think it could work for you, but you have to set out your 'terms' very clearly, so you both know where you stand. Otherwise you'll be in a kind of limbo that won't be any good for any of you.
Good luck, I was really moved by your story and I think you have been very brave and strong.
thanks all, I knwo its a risk but as spanglemaker said I think I've got three choices.
1 stay and try and work with DH to change his behaviuors, get healthier myself and build our relationship - I'm not sure this would work cos we've been through all this before even going to relate (both of us) and sexual therapist (me)
2 Leave altogether and concentrate on my own life and building an amicable relationship as co-parents to DS. I know in the medium to long temr I'd be better off in many many ways liek this but I would miss DH and wonder if there had been anyway to make it work again for us.
3 Discuss a temporary seperation, probably for a year with fairly close contact mainly over DS but also occasionally going out just the two of us in the last 6 months to see how things were.
So a trial seperation is me trying to think of a way to break the deadlock of stay and be miserable or go and lose our marriage.
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