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Advice needed on my relationship which gets aggressive.

(8 Posts)
upsetforengland Fri 14-Jan-05 08:43:05

I would really welcome any helpful comments and suggestions. I have changed my name as regular poster and do not want people knowing.

My Dp and myself are both in our mid 30's, we have been together for 8 years and have 2 wonderful children.

I can honest say that I love my partner and he loves me and 99% of the time we have a fantastic relationship, he is supportive and helps round house and does everything I ask for him and I for him, we still hold hands and cuddles all the time etc etc and I really can not see my life without him being in it.

the trouble is that now and again (probably no more than 5 times a year) we have an argument which seems to get so nasty and out of control and aggressive, its not like he hits me or anything, in fact I am just as aggressive as him if not more, we might shove each other and I have been known to throw a plate at him, although I make sure it doesn't hit him, just close iyswim. It just happened again last night and I feel awful as the kids heard and got upset.

I just wanted to know peoples helpful advice, and I know we shouldn't do it in especially when the kids are in the house, its just like the red mist comes down.

I feel very fragile this morning and full aware that we are awful parents for doing this with them in the house.

upsetforengland Fri 14-Jan-05 10:04:43


SuzySox Fri 14-Jan-05 10:07:34

Sorry no helpful advice but just wanted to send {{{hugs}}}

wild Fri 14-Jan-05 10:17:27

I was in the middle of posting when interrupted. But my view is - 99% good is no bad thing! 5 big rows a year - well I can see they're distressing for the children and maybe you could mention calmly to them at some stage that grown-ups fall out from time to time, they can be silly but mum and dad still love each other and children alot. On balance I'd say in real-life terms you're pretty much OK. It's not as if the rows are one-sided or abusive. I'd just make up and agree to keep it away from the children as far as poss in future. Not that you can exactly diary these things

tribpot Fri 14-Jan-05 10:55:55

Can you identify what the rows are about, and maybe try and address the things more calmly? No you can't diary the rows but you could set aside time regularly to talk about things which are niggling, to try and prevent things coming to a head. Maybe a book about Anger Management might help?

I'm not suggesting there's anything 'wrong' with you, I think sometimes a good old barney can be the best way to sort things out (although I'd be a bit worried by the plate throwing and shoving aspect personally, but that's just me!). Your concern is that your kids don't see it. My downstairs neighbours have huge rows occasionally (which, due to the delights of modern housing and the lack of soundproofing I know all the details of) and there appears to be drawer slamming among other things, but I think they do it when their little girl is out.

aloha Fri 14-Jan-05 11:28:09

How about counselling so you can sort out what makes you so angry?

upsetforengland Fri 14-Jan-05 13:34:02

Thanks for your replies.

The rows seem to start from something of nothing and usually if they coincide with dp having a stressful time and work and also my due on, if these clash then all hell breaks loose.

dp I think hit the nail on the head this morning when he asked if I ever heard my parents rowing, I had not, and neither had he, I guess thats why we bith feel so bad.

the kids seem to be fine about the whole thing, ew said that even though mummy and daddy love each other, now again we get on each others nerves.

wild Fri 14-Jan-05 13:36:51

Well you sound pretty amicable to me! at least you can discuss it calmly afterwards. Doesn't sound too bad at all then again mine is dire so I am not the best judge.

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