Christmas and New Year blues

[Jodiesmum]

I know this is the season to be jolly and all that but actually I've always found Christmas quite difficult - I guess from growing up in an unhappy home. Dh is the same only quite a bit worse. Since having Dd (just turned 2 and born a few days before Christmas)things feel a lot better to me but Dh seems to be behaving very much as before - withdrawing from me (and her) and spending all spare time on his computer, and hardly speaking except to snap at me every time I say something he finds annoying (just about anything that comes out of my mouth at present). After 14 years together this behaviour is all too familiar and I know it will pass but about mid Jan but right now I feel trapped and depressed. Before we had Dd I would give him a wide birth over Christmas and New year and do stuff with other people that made me feel better but now I don't have as many options. In any case, Dh doesn't want me to go anywhere with Dd on my own - even to visit my family - as it makes him look bad (he feels). It's not that he want to come with me (far from it) - really he just wants me to cancel everything and stay indoors for 2 wks which to me feels unbearable. This Christmas is an extra-difficult one for me as the same time last year my dad was dying and the memories of it are very strong. I'm also 4 months pregnant so probably a bit hysterical anyway. I keep thinking of Dd and feeling such a failure for not being able to give her a proper 'Happy Christmas.' I so desperately don't want her to grow up like me, finding it a sad and painful time of year, but am terrified that;s exactly what will happen. I'm sorry to introduce such a gloomy note but am wondering if anyone else struggles with this time of year too?

[kkgirl]

Jodiesmum

I think in reality a lot of people struggle with Christmas.
As you have said it isn't always a happy time. A friend of mine lost her sister on Christmas Eve two years ago and although she is very positive about it, it must be very painful.
You loss was only last year and that is only a short time ago, so don't feel guilty about how you feel, also being pregnant makes your emotions all over the place doesn't it?
Try your best to be positive with DD but don't be too hard on yourself if you feel down.

As for DH I know what you are feeling, mine is very similar but just try to take each day at a time, and it won't be so bad as you are anticipating.
Take care

[SimonHoward]

Jodiesmum

I absolutely hate this time of year. I have done for a long time now and it doesn't get any better.

I'm hoping that when DD is older it may change for me but it hasn't so far.

In some ways I'm glad I'm working Xmas and Boxing days (double pay) but I am going to miss DW and DD terribly as for Boxing day they are away at relatives and won't be back till the day after.

[Lambchops]

Me too!
I find Christmas an expensive strain. My family are musical and are constantly asked to do concerts at this time of year. Dd who is only 7, is a lovely singer (I am so proud of her)and very flatteringly gets asked to do a lot of solos. I then get involved for rehersals and costumes etc. DH runs in, grabs a sandwich whilst struggling into his black suit and out again, reappearing at midnight running on adrenalin.
Next year, I am going to cut down on a lot of things and this year I decided that I AM NEVER GOING TO SEND ANOTHER CHRISTMAS CARD. YIPEE!
I don't invite anyone for Christmas either and work over the New Year (triple time for me SimonHoward!)
So..Bah Humbug!

[SueW]

Jodiesmum - I was feeling pretty miserable last night, full of cold and been ill with it for about four days (ill as in falling asleep at 8pm on sofa and sleeping until 9am, dozing in afternoons, etc). Anyway, started thinking back over the past few Xmases:

2001 - DH out of work, had been for four months, flat broke. Grandma ill in hospital with cancer; died early Jan

2000 - Xmas in Oz -great fun. no pressure, v relaxing

1999 - I had just had an eye test which showed an abnormality on my eyeball; DH's mum rang to say she couldn't shake off tummy bug (turned out to be cancer); my dad had a spinal tap (?) which led to his becoming very ill and no-one knew why to start with.

1998 - We hosted Xmas in our new home; DH and DD both so ill that my mum ended up ooking Xmas lunch, DH was back in bed before lunch and DD clung to me all day. DH had flu for 3 weeks thereafter; didn't get out of bed for two whole weeks

1997 - Xmas in NZ which had different family tensions

1996 - DD just born. Completely knackered and Xmas passed me by completely

1994 and 1995 were unremarkable so were probably good.

1993 was our first married Xmas and we spent it in NZ. I met DH's family for the first time and it was pretty relaxed and enjoyable.

SO I can't say I look forward to Xmas, even with DD around although 6yo seems to be a good age for her to enjoy it. I think this year I just keep looking back at how strange our lives have been for the past 12 months and wondering quite how we're still all in one piece.

[jasper]

I have mixed feelings about Christmas. I love the food and socialising but the gift buying is such a chore in my already time starved life!
I would do away with all present buying apart from buying for ones own children but when I suggested this to one of my sisters she got very upset so once again I have spent hours trailing round shops looking for gifts for the kids who already have everthing...
Bah humbug

[clucks]

Ditto, mixed feelings. I do not take part in any religious celebration of christmas and consider it as a festival where everyone is supposed to have time for others etc. Just been informed by my sister (who has been avoiding me) that she and her Dh will not take up invitation for xmas day. I am quietly relieved as hate family rows (always have them) but indignant that they explain it as my controlling behaviour. Wish I could control something, anything, even my hair would do.

Anyway, Have now put a card and theatre tickets through their door without knocking as can't face any family. Parents are obligatory and will spend the whole time criticising my hostessing etc. and quietly farting into the atmosphere (not always quiet) and hubby will copy them.

Also, sulked with DH last night, will probably have another argument soon. Haven't bought any shopping, disabled father needs haircut or won't go anywhere, haven't wrapped naff presents, and should have been in bed hours ago, lots to do grudgingly.

[Holly02]

Oh why is this time of year so miserable sometimes?! Clucks, Jodiesmum, sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time at present.

DH & I had a row last night too (would appreciate some input on this by the way). Weeks and weeks ago we arranged that his brother, SIL & kids would drop in Christmas morning to see us and exchange presents. Then my family (parents, brother, SIL & kids) are coming for Xmas lunch around midday, then DH's mother, stepfather and sister are coming around in the early evening. My stepson will also be here for the day. DH informed me last night that his teenage son wants to visit his maternal grandmother on Christmas day, but she lives 40 minutes' drive away from us. So dh said to me, "I think I'll take him over there to visit her around 11.00am, so I should be back around 1.00 or 1.30pm". Keeping in mind that weeks ago, we invited all my family for lunch and arranged that everyone would be here at midday, and then he dropped this on me last night. And the thing that really bugs me is that my stepson only lives 5 minutes from his grandmother, so basically he sees her all the time.

Guess I'm furious because he could have organised this weeks ago, and not thrown a spanner in the works at the last minute. I don't think it's particularly nice that all my family turn up and dh isn't even here. I tried suggesting that he ask his mother to come a bit later in the evening, to allow him time to take his son where he wants to go, but he just said "Don't tell me what to do." A few times in the past when people have come over to see us, dh has gone off and done his own thing, which I find embarrassing and rude. He doesn't seem to think anything of it either. So there you have it, lots of Christmas cheer..... I'm really hoping that something improves by tomorrow.

[SimonHoward]

Lambchops

I too do not send Xmas cards, I do send eCards though.

I'm working New Years day as well (but only at double time).

[Jodiesmum]

I'm SO glad I started this thread - it really helps to know I'm not the only one, also that Dh's behaviour is probably similar to at least 25% of the male population. Managed to ignore him yesterday eve and get much needed early night, will now be at work until at least 5pm - hurrah.

[Lindy]

I must admit that I am facing a very stress free Christmas; but it has involved lots of 'honesty' - we are not visiting any family or having any visitors - all our family is very scattered (& scatty!!) so the thought of the travel distances involved, plus inevitable tension means it is best to stay apart!! I am very strict about gift buying, apart from youngest neice & nephew all others get cash or vouchers; adults don't exchange gifts. I am looking forward to a peaceful time, going to the church services I choose to - not to fit in with cooking the lunch!

In fact I am so organised that I am off for a long swim this morning, putting DS in the creche!!

[Bumblelion]

I am also in two minds about Christmas - love the build-up, decorating the house and tree, buying the presents (yes, I love the stress of that - I think I just like spending money (that I haven't got!)) but I think Christmas is also a sad and lonely time. My H told me last year on New Years eve that he was leaving me so I am dreading this year a bit - feel a bit tearful that this is my first Christmas on my own with 3 children although I will be spending from this evening until Boxing Day night round my mums doing the normal family stuff - except H won't be there (just found out he has moved in with his girlfriend from work - very gutting!). But, on the other hand, I love Christmas, seeingthe children's faces when they open their presents knowing I have given them as good a Christmas as they always had except me and their dad are no longer together. They are with their dad (and his girlfriend and her daughter) from lunch time Boxing Day but I will still be round my mums and he is bringing them back early Friday morning as he has got to go to work. So I will only be without them for 1/2 a day (and overnight) before they are back with me. I appreciate they need to see their dad over Christmas and I tell them that it will be like having two Christmas Days (presents from me and family on Christmas Day and then more presents from their dad on Boxing Day).

Still makes me feel a bit sad that we are no longer together having the lovely traditional Christmas that everyone hopes for - but after speaking to friends, I am not the only one that feels a bit sad at Christmas.

Also, my dear dad is no longer alive and I find I miss him even more Christmas Day and, also, on 29th December it would have been my mum and dad's 40th wedding anniversary so I know that is going to be a sad day for me (and more especially for my mum).

But, saying that, I am out New Years Eve and will have a great time - after the revelation from H last year no way am I staying in on my own this year - he is having the children overnight.

[Jodiesmum]

Bumblelion, I really admire your spirit. This must be such a difficult time,.after what happened last yr, and yet you're approaching it with a positive attitude and (it seems like) a complete lack of feeling sorry for yourself, which is what I get so bogged down in. I'm sure your children will benefit hugely from this and will enjoy their Christmas despite what their dad has chosen to do.

[batey]

Bumblelion, ditto below and sending you hugs. It can't be easy. Have a great N.Yrs Eve too, you deserve it.

[jasper]

Clucks as usual you make me laugh. Your life sounds very like mine.
Taking a break from cleaning the toilet...

[Janeway]

Sorry about the following, but I need to vent it somewhere, and this is the only avenue at the moment.

I know I'm acting like a spoilt brat, and half of my annoyance is at myself for being like that, but I'm so dissappointed with the prezzies for myself and ds this year.

• DS got ready stained nightclothes from his aunty and a ready broken and really rough puppet from a friend - most everyone else got him clothes
  
• In the year that I bore dp his first child, he sees fit to get me a dvd copy of the video he bought 2 years ago (which has been played 1or2x since), a CD of an artist I don't like and some dark chocies when I've told him numerous times about the strange change in my tastebuds towards milk and preferably white chocolate since the birth of ds! (plus I'm still waiting on my birthday present from him)
  
  I can't help comparing things to Christmasses 10 years ago when my neices and nephews where young, and so was our relationship (dp&me) - I feel ds is missing out for being later than the rest of his cousins, and that I'm now taken for granted. It's not the cash involved, it's the thought that people have put into the present (or not). I used to look forward to Christmas, but this is turning out to be a thoroughly misserable one partly as I'm feeling that both ds and I don't figure highly in the thoughts of our family, but mostly because I'm so annoyed at myself for getting so absorbed in these minor material dissapointments when everything else I know to be true tells me that the feeling is unfounded.
  
  Just tell me to stop being so silly and go and have a wee drinkie

[SimonHoward]

Janeway

Moan away. Sounds like you and DS are getting the short end of the stick there.

[Rhiannon]

Janeway, do what I do. About mid October start buying yourself Christmas presents and put them away. Middle of December tell DH where you Christmas stash is so he can wrap it up. This is a foolproof, safe way of getting 'just what you always wanted'.

Sadly now my DH thinks he can now put in zero effort. I am still waiting for a gift he has conjured up himself this year. Ha Ha.

[genia]

Janeway I know how you feel. Dh is not the present type at all which I accept. I don't mind about Christmas at all but I do get a little depressed on my birthday. It has become an issue between us so he is less likely to do anything about it. It's like any other day - it wouldn't matter about the lack of gifts if he organized something say a meal but he doesn't do that either. You can tell I'm already getting narked because my birthday is on January 17th so not long for my depression to start!

[kkgirl]

I was feeling very down from Boxing Day on, not like me at all. I was very restless for a few days and even though I had loads to do could not be bothered.
I am now fine again, I think getting loads of sleep has helped revive me, but the children are very irritable now. DS oldest hasn't been too well but seems to be all out to wind the other two up even if they are happily playing.Today he has been at it all day long and I could have cheerfully walloped him, it made it hard work all day keeping them apart.
Never mind, tomorrow is another day ...........

[Lulu41]

Hiya everyone my first day back at work and I am soooo glad to get away from dp and ds - how awful is that. We have had truly horrid Christmas all had a horrible stomach virus awful bloody weather awful moods. Sat and stared at ds last night peacefully sleeping and vowed to be a better mother ie. no more shouting/screaming etc etc. Dp been the misery from hell all Christmas because of not feeling well and constantly shouting at ds. I am going to volunteer to work all of next Christmas (oops forgot will be on maternity leave by then) I might have to run away!! I hope everyone is slowly getting back to normal. Cant wait until school starts next week maybe normal life will resume!!

[kkgirl]

Well I wasn't go to say it but I am missing work too!!!!
As much as I love my kids the two boys just don't get on, the eldest ds winds the younger up and so there is either fighting or crying or both.
DH has not got a lot of patience so he usually has a good shout and threatens to bang their heads together.
At least at work people aren't always calling "Mum" and you can go to the loo on your own.

[Jodiesmum]

Not back at work until next Mon but am REALLY looking forward to it. Although Christmas was a lot better than I was expecting, this whole holiday thing is just too damn long, especially if it's going to rain every single day. It's great to know I'm not the only mother dying to get away from her child, however much I adore her.