Me and DH have been together for 7 years. We have always been pretty up and down, but last night we had hell of a row and DH said that he didn't want to be with me anymore if things were going to stay as they were. I know we have been stuck in a rut for quite some time now. Sometimes things are ok and seem to get better. But probably 90% of the time it's a case of same thing day in day out.
We haven't had sex for about 4 months, even though DH is pretty persistent in trying, that puts me off even more. I have always had a lower sex drive than DH, but it's never been a problem til now. DH is desperate for another baby, though I'm not so sure. Especially with the way things are at the moment. His excuse was that it would give me something to do while the others are at school Even kisses and cuddles feel like they suffocate me most of the time....I don't know why and I know it hurts DH, and I really don't want to feel like that.
I think some of the problem is that I am a total romantic, and always had the dream of being swept off my feet. Romance isn't in DHs vocabulary. He has made the odd gesture, flowers etc, but thats as far as he goes.
But the icing on the cake last night though was when DH said 'I do love you, if you don't want me then I might as well go and find someone who I can be happy with.......'
I do love him, but not sure if I am totally IN love with him anymore, or if it's my depression making me feel like that. I don't go anywhere. I don't want to. DH hates that cos he keeps saying we should go out together. He can't see that it's not that I don't want to go out with him, I just don't want to go out full stop. I don't know what I can do to make things better. This year was supposed to be a fresh start for all of us, but it's still the same. It feels like nothing will ever get better.
Last night he asked me if I wanted a break for a while from us......I wanted to say yes but it came out as no. I have always been adament that my kids should have both parent around, cos I know how much it hurts not to. Part of me thinks I would be better off alone, but then I am scared of being alone. I don't want to lose my kids but he won't let me leave without them, cos I have tried to go before. He said that he would leave this time though if I wanted him to....again....part of me wanted to say yes but it came out as no. I don't know what to do. I sat here last night in floods of tears, wondering what I have done with my life......I know I chose to be a younger mum and I probably wouldn't change that, but I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to. No friends or family. I don't know what I am going to do when all the kids are at school......I have no qualifications to do anything. I started studying at home but I just couldn't manage it with the kids as well. I would love to become a midwife, but I really can't see that happening. I hate myself and the way I am. DH has tried to help me through depression, which I have suffered with on and off for the past 5 years, but TBH I think he is getting fed up of me being miserable all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore.......... Sorry for the long rant........will shut up now......
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I just don't know what to do anymore.......
18 replies
StuckInARut · 04/01/2005 09:41
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