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I just don't know what to do anymore.......

(19 Posts)
StuckInARut Tue 04-Jan-05 09:41:37

Me and DH have been together for 7 years. We have always been pretty up and down, but last night we had hell of a row and DH said that he didn't want to be with me anymore if things were going to stay as they were. I know we have been stuck in a rut for quite some time now. Sometimes things are ok and seem to get better. But probably 90% of the time it's a case of same thing day in day out.

We haven't had sex for about 4 months, even though DH is pretty persistent in trying, that puts me off even more. I have always had a lower sex drive than DH, but it's never been a problem til now. DH is desperate for another baby, though I'm not so sure. Especially with the way things are at the moment. His excuse was that it would give me something to do while the others are at school Even kisses and cuddles feel like they suffocate me most of the time....I don't know why and I know it hurts DH, and I really don't want to feel like that.

I think some of the problem is that I am a total romantic, and always had the dream of being swept off my feet. Romance isn't in DHs vocabulary. He has made the odd gesture, flowers etc, but thats as far as he goes.

But the icing on the cake last night though was when DH said 'I do love you, if you don't want me then I might as well go and find someone who I can be happy with.......'

I do love him, but not sure if I am totally IN love with him anymore, or if it's my depression making me feel like that. I don't go anywhere. I don't want to. DH hates that cos he keeps saying we should go out together. He can't see that it's not that I don't want to go out with him, I just don't want to go out full stop. I don't know what I can do to make things better. This year was supposed to be a fresh start for all of us, but it's still the same. It feels like nothing will ever get better.

Last night he asked me if I wanted a break for a while from us......I wanted to say yes but it came out as no. I have always been adament that my kids should have both parent around, cos I know how much it hurts not to. Part of me thinks I would be better off alone, but then I am scared of being alone. I don't want to lose my kids but he won't let me leave without them, cos I have tried to go before. He said that he would leave this time though if I wanted him to....again....part of me wanted to say yes but it came out as no. I don't know what to do. I sat here last night in floods of tears, wondering what I have done with my life......I know I chose to be a younger mum and I probably wouldn't change that, but I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to. No friends or family. I don't know what I am going to do when all the kids are at school......I have no qualifications to do anything. I started studying at home but I just couldn't manage it with the kids as well. I would love to become a midwife, but I really can't see that happening. I hate myself and the way I am. DH has tried to help me through depression, which I have suffered with on and off for the past 5 years, but TBH I think he is getting fed up of me being miserable all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore.......... Sorry for the long rant........will shut up now......

amynnixmum Tue 04-Jan-05 09:52:44

Oh you poor thing I completely understand what you mean as I feel very similar at the moment. Only difference is I do still love dh - but most of the time I don't want him to touch me. Trouble with depression is it makes everything feel dreary and miserable so its hard to know how you really feel about a situation. I know what you mean about kisses and cuddles too - i just feel like I've nothing left in me to give. You say that this year was supposed to be a new start - well its only the 4th Jan so there's plenty of time. As for studying - you dont have to give up on that completely - how about waiting until all the kids are at school and then start with a short, basic course to ease yourself back into it.

FeastofStevenmom Tue 04-Jan-05 10:01:11

hi stuckinarut sorry to hear you are having such a rough time atm.

very first thing - if you do split up with DH, he wouldn't get the kids - it's very unusual for dads to get custody, and you would have to do something really extreme, or have walked out on them, for that to happen. tho I don't think it sounds like that is what you want atm. i think tho you are going to have to be selfish in the sense of trying to focus on how to get you better rather than on how to please DH in the short term - as that in the end will benefit DH.

i think the romance thing is a bit of a red herring - and from my POV if you love someone that's enough, - a lot of the "in love" stuff and romance stuff comes in the first flush of love at the beginning - and is a lot harder to get into when reality (and dirty washing! etc) intrude. i think if you get yourself feeling a little better in/about yourself, then that will help the relationship along - particularly when you feel like going out again

as you are depressed, I think that is colouring they way you see everything atm. I don't think that DH is necessarily enough to help you thru your depression -which is gonna be frustrating for him - you could have the best life circumstances in the world, but still be depressed - it's that sort of disease.

in terms of what to do when the kids are at school - continue study at home? access course? try and get a job as HCA in a hospital/as care worker? even if you feel doing the midwifery training is too demanding in the foreseeable future, there are health care related jobs you could do where they would train you up, and would provide you with great experience if you did decide you wanted nursing/midwifery training.

Nutcracker Tue 04-Jan-05 10:25:48

Hiya Stuckinarut, I find it amazing how similar we are.
I also had my kids young (first at 19, now have 3 at age 26), and have been having probs with my dp for what seems like forever now.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling suffocated even kissing or cuddling him, i am like that and we have no sex life either as i just can't stand it.
I also like you have no qualifications and tried to return to study last year but couldn't cope with it so had to give it up. I want to become a nurse but don't think i ever will now.

I think the only differnece between us is that i am almost 100% certain that i don't love my dp and haven't for a while now.
If i'm honest, were he to tell me today that he was leaving and never coming back i would be relieved.

I can't really offer any good advice as i haven't managed to sort this out myself, but all i would say be honest with yourself about what you really want with your life.

StuckInARut Tue 04-Jan-05 10:59:03

I want to feel desperatly in love......I want to want to sleep with him......what the flamin hells wrong with me.......I do still find him attractive but he says that I can't seeing as I don't sleep with him.

Mum2girls Tue 04-Jan-05 11:06:49

Have you thought about going to relate - maybe on your own first?

StuckInARut Tue 04-Jan-05 11:13:16

i dont know........i dont think it would make any difference to be honest.......

Nutcracker Tue 04-Jan-05 11:17:47

Do you think you want your relationship better or do you think it would be better if you parted ???

StuckInARut Tue 04-Jan-05 11:20:30

i dont know........i think i would miss him if he wasn't around though but then 7 years is a while to be with kinda get used to them being there more than anything...

Mum2girls Tue 04-Jan-05 11:25:32

What do you have to lose by seeing a counsellor? TBH, from reading your post (and I know it's impossible to tell the whole story in a couple of paragraphs), imho, it would seem to me that you have a very romanticised view of what a 7 year relationship should be. You're young (I'm not) and I think the whole family thing has overwhelmed you, to the point where you don't seem to know what it is you do want.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you sound very mixed up and I hope you can get it sorted.

StuckInARut Tue 04-Jan-05 11:31:27

im not overwhelmed.....a family is what i wanted......but the relationship I have with DH is not what I imagined...... DH has already said that he could never be the one to sweep me off my feet and I've either got to put up or shut up......but at the end of the day, whats wrong with wanting a bit of feel like your falling in love all over again and want to spend loads of time together......

Mum2girls Tue 04-Jan-05 11:36:47

But SIAR, relationships do change - I know of no-one (although I suppose there must be some) where that heady stars-in-you-eyes feeling remains. It's replaced by something more solid and is satisfying in a different, but potentially less exciting way. All relationships fall into 'routine' to some degree, especially with kids on the scene. We need to remember to get out of the routine regularly, so it's not a rut.

I'm sorry, I don't seem to be helping you at all. Can't help from posting tho, as you sound so sad,

StuckInARut Tue 04-Jan-05 13:20:40

he says he is still totally in love with me and that us splitting up would break his heart........then he says that he would rather find someone else to be happy with......what am i supposed to make of that?!?! I just don't know what to think anymore...maybe they would all be better off without me anyway.......

welshmum Tue 04-Jan-05 13:31:24

Stuckinarut. They would undoubtedly not be better off without you - families need mums.
I think you have to take a long hard look at your priorities - as they are at the moment.
You could say to your dp that you need some space within the relationship to do this - ie you and he are not to approach each other physically but will maintain a friendly relationship within the same house. Allow yourself to stop worrying about how his approaches feel for a while and start to think about the big picture - what is best for you and your family. If he loves you as he says he does and you explain to him what you're trying to do he'll understand and let you do this.
Then talk to an outsider, someone from Relate or similar. You have had children, they deserve you to make the best effort on their behalf for their futures.
I really hope that you feel better about stuff soon.

Lonelymum Tue 04-Jan-05 13:38:26

I sometimes feel the way you do, especially about wanting to be swept off my feet, but real life isn't like that, I don't think. I think you are just feeling low because life can be pretty mundane a lot of the time and that is not what you want. There isn't an easy solution, but I don't think from what you have said that you should separate from your dh. Please hang on in there for his, yours and , most importantly, your children's sakes. Perhaps there is something you can do for yourself to give yourself a boost. I don't know what, maybe something as simple as a new hairstyle or a career change. I suppose that sounds simplistic, but it doesn't sound to me as though you are really in a bad situation, just stuck in a rut as you say. You might just need to stick your head up and see what is in the next door rut... Not really making sense here, I know, but wanted to let you know you are not the only person going through this dilemma.

Spacecadet Tue 04-Jan-05 21:18:52

Firstly having another baby will not give you something to do!!! you have enough to do already! this will merely add to your depression, believe me and will not help your marriage.I think your dh needs to speak to someone to gain an insight into how you are feeling right now, it might help if you go to your gp and ask to be referred to the cpn where you will be able to get some support and who can also give your dh some advice.When you are depressed its hard to see things clearly and this will not help your interpretation of how you feel about dh at the mo.Also, when you have been with someone for a few years and had children your relationship always changes, you still love each other, but there is no longer the spontanaety that comes with a new relationship, its very difficult to find the time for each other and sometimes dhs want you to be the same woman, you were x number of years ago!!Please go and get some help, dont throw your marriage away while you are not thinking straight, and a break will not help, it will leave you feeling more trapped, helpless and depressed as you struggle to cope with the children and your unhappiness on your own.{{{hugs}}}

StuckInARut Thu 06-Jan-05 10:26:59

well I got a dvd last night to try and spend some time together......fat lot of good that did......I ended up going out for a walk after 10 last night just to stop myself going completely insane...I nearly didn't come back.......Im so fed up, I just want to cry all the time........I don't know when all this is going to end.....

Spacecadet Thu 06-Jan-05 21:52:49

Im really sorry that an evening together didnt have the outcome you hoped for, have you been openely honest with your dh about your depression? does he know just how unhappy you are? or are you playing it down.

ElectricBlue Thu 06-Jan-05 23:28:59

SIAR - sorry to hear you are so low. The New year and Xmas put people under enormous pressure to be happy and break out of the old patterns. Then life stretches out monotonously and becomes too much to bear. I feel very similar and really sympathise/empathise, just having split up 2 weeks ago with H but still living together with life upside down.

From what you've said, your DH doesn't sound quite at the end yet, maybe he wants to see whether strong words can trigger a reaction. If he did change and become the romantic type would would it really solve things? Sounds like you still need to communicate and understand eachothers needs - also you need to sort out your dep - try this link: Depression Alliance - they have local groups and lots of info. There is still so much hope in your situ - don't give up, neither one of you sounds really angry, a great sign that you can work at things. Agree with the Relate suggestions - they also have sex therapists. Depression can cause loss of desire and it's so common, but hard for some men to understand - maybe he needs to hear that in counselling terms. Go for counselling on your own too - you need to talk. Check if your GP has a counselling service (mine has free service, 8 sessions, don't know if this is common elsewhere). If dep was a problem before, were you/are you on ADs? If ADs don't suit (don't suit me) look into herbal remedies?

I think wanting to leave the kids is a sign of your desperation, because you're thinking of your career/studying and you want a quick result. The reality would be pretty harsh - you couldn't be away from their soft cuddles for a day! Hugs and hoping things get better. xxx

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