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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Marriage in crisis

13 replies

MamanC · 23/12/2004 13:43

My DH and I have been having a tough go of it. He has a fast paced and high pressure job that requires him to be out entertaining most nights a week. The trouble is that this is now being used as an excuse to not come home. I wish I were making this up but he has even said he is bored when at home. He refuses to have anything to do with out home as feels my role as SAHM is to take care of everything to do with house and DD. I have some wonderfully supportive friends but I can't bring myself to tell them just what a state our marriage is in. We have started to see a marriage therapist but my DH is only 50% sure he even wants to stay in this relationship. As a SAHM I feel so vulnerable and in a way helpless. I am willing to try very hard to make this work but can't say the same for DH. I hate being treated with so much disrespect. I wonder if anyone who has been through this and come out the other side could shed some light.

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dogwalkinginawinterwonderland · 23/12/2004 13:55

Thinking of you MC. Hope someone will be able to post some positive words for you.

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coppertop · 23/12/2004 14:03

No advice but I didn't want to just leave your thread without replying. Hopefully someone will be along soon who can help.

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anorak · 23/12/2004 14:17

Disrespect is exactly right. He is taking your for granted. You are a wife, not a housekeeper, and it sounds to me like he is treating you like an employee. If he wants to come home to a companion, a lover, a confidante, and not be bored, then he must remember that you are those things all round the clock. He can't treat you like a skivvy most of the time and expect you to metamorphose into a slinky amusing wife when he deigns to come home before midnight.

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IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 23/12/2004 14:26

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MamanC · 23/12/2004 14:35

I guess I am wondering at what point to call it quits or whether to continue to try. It seems ridiculous to have lost my confidence because of his bahaviour. I also feel as though we are an exception to all married friends who seem to be able to work out their differences.

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Christmaslistmaker · 23/12/2004 14:36

I always think that the two things that really kill a relationship in the end are disrespect and taking someone for granted (probably both the same thing in a way). I'm afraid that's what your dh is doing to you mamanc and he is killing it. I suppose it depends if he wants to wake up and smell the coffee or not! And then if he doesn't how long are you prepared to put up with it?

I know it's really, really tough and you have my sympathy but I've been a single parent for nearly 5 years and it really is fine - in fact I've quite enjoyed it! So there is life after marriage/partnerships!

Good luck!

There seems to be nothing but marriage problems on here lately - must be the time of year!

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MamanC · 23/12/2004 14:37

I guess I have two questions. (1) what are the steps I need to take to make sure I and DD are protected legally? (2) is it a sound reason to keep trying for our DD's sake?

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MamanC · 23/12/2004 14:39

Christmaslistmaker - thank you. Were you frightened when your relationship was falling apart of being alone with a child?

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IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 23/12/2004 14:40

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anorak · 23/12/2004 14:51

I think it is important to consider staying together for the childrens' sake, but it won't be any use unless you take steps to communicate and get your own relationship on track. Children need parents who are living together harmoniously and who are fulfilled enough to give the huge amount they need, not two warring opponents who have stayed together purely 'for the sake of the child'.

If you are willing to do this work for your relationship but dh isn't, you are pretty much scuppered

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Christmaslistmaker · 23/12/2004 15:03

Obviously it wsan't easy - I have two dds and the they were 2 and 3 months at the time but I had excellent support from my parents and was lucky enough to be working 2 days a week in a quite well paid job - just as well as he hasn't paid maintenance for 2.5 years now!

But I was happier and became very proud of myself for coping and didn't resent him anymore and just got on with it. Your dh would probably see more of your dd if he had to take her on his own etc. Unfortunately my exp decided to sever all contact and moved abroad but I have managed and have just met the most wonderful man and I am beginning to see that I could have the sort of relationship I've always wanted and that never seemed to happen to me!

I just couldn't live with being taken for granted and down-trodden and once I realised that I could never make him happy and gave up the fight things never really looked back. I am really happy and have been for 4.5 years on the whole!

All the best mamanc whatever you decide!

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MamanC · 23/12/2004 15:13

I gave up my career as it seemed there was too much stress with both our jobs and having a baby. Now I regret that decision. I have been thinking of looking for a new job in light of all that happened. If we do split up, I don't want to rely solely on DH. The way I feel right now is that if this ends, I want to have little to do with him. He seems to be favouring the life of a bachelor anyway.

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MamanC · 23/12/2004 15:28

Christmaslistmaker - I am really pleased to hear that your life has moved on and that you are happier now. It is encouraging to know there is hope for a bright future one way or another.