Covid may have ruined my marriage

(167 Posts)
Robinni Fri 03-Dec-21 01:01:07

Hi all,

I’ll give some background. Prior to the pandemic I’d had a few significant bereavements and significant health problems. Husband and I were relatively happy, saving hard for a proper family home. He had worked incredibly hard and was due a promotion. I was studying and intending to go on to a masters. I had an inheritance that I was keen to invest. I was waiting for my husband to get his promotion and pay off his car and some other debts.

Pandemic hit, husband furloughed, promotion disappeared. My health plummeted largely due to lack of access to treatment, but also as we were unable financially to proceed with extending our family a gynae condition I suffer from got much worse. I am now due to have an 8th surgery because of this.

I have building resentment towards my husband. Myself and my family have had to support him. He is as I understand it almost debt free and owns his car outright but owes us a lot, tends to work from pay day to pay day. I have tried to encourage him to retrain or even to go and work at tesco because I don’t know how much more of this hell I can take.

We have been living separately for several months but successfully coparenting and sort of maintaining a relationship at a base level. He is living in what was our home together. Owned by my family, paying just about enough to cover rates and insurance. I am living back at my childhood home.

Our child’s life progresses and the need for a proper home is urgent. There is no outdoor space and it is compact which doesn’t work as our child has additional needs.

Had life reverted to normal I think the situation would be salvageable. The situation with the housing market is currently as such that I am left with two options 1) accept that we will be living in a house half the size for the same price and feel resentful towards my husband. 2) invest even more of my inheritance (via my father paying it in advance of his death) which diminishes my income in later life/potential pension which I am reliant upon due to my health issues… again I end up resenting my husband.

I can’t really see a clear way of making anything better. It’s exhausting. We have lost 6 people to covid through this too, 2 of them very close and emotionally we’re just strung out. It’s awful. I feel like a nervous wreck anticipating the next lockdown.

OP’s posts: |
Thenose Fri 03-Dec-21 02:51:32

I'm finding your post difficult to understand.

You say that your husband owes you and your family money. How can this be so? You're a unit. If your husband has borrowed money from your family, you both owe your family money. Why did you have to borrow from family when you have savings from an inheritance? Have you run through it all?

Why did you move out? Are you also paying keep to stay in your parents' home?

Are you resentful because you believe that your husband is purposefully refusing to work to harm you/your family? You say he was hardworking and excelling in his role. Why hasn't he been able to find another job? What does he say about it? Is he depressed? Anxious?

If I understand you correctly, you don't work or earn any money. However, you think you deserve a larger and more expensive house, and you are resentful of your husband for not ensuring you could get it in the time frame you decided you should have it. Is that right?

You could take money from your father to pay for a larger house than you can presently afford, but that would leave you with less (money you didn't earn) later, and you'll resent your husband for your decision to do that, too. Is that correct?

What am I missing here?

SalsaLove Fri 03-Dec-21 03:24:22

Do you work? I’m not sure I understand why your husband is being referred to as almost separate unit. Seems like a strange situation.

PanettoneSeason Fri 03-Dec-21 03:32:13

Yeah, I’m finding this one difficult to follow too.
Do you work? Has your husband refused to find other work? Why does your husband owe you and your family money? Surely you and your husband count as a family unit?

marplemead Fri 03-Dec-21 03:35:42

Your husband enabled you to study by supporting you financially, but you are not willing to do the same now that his work situation has changed?

It seems that it is joint money when it's your husband earning it, and you're looking at a bigger house to buy, but suddenly separate when it is your inheritance?

I don't get it. Is there any reason why you can't work?

madisonbridges Fri 03-Dec-21 03:49:42

Was your husband furloughed and then sacked or something? How did he go from being a hard worker about to get a promotion to presumably earning nothing and not even be willing to work at Tesco? Has he had a complete personality change? If he's not working how has he paid off his debts? Why is he borrowing from your family if you have money?
There's so many other questions, but mainly, is he working?

Rainbowshit Fri 03-Dec-21 05:17:52

Also not understanding. You say he worked incredibly hard ore pandemic and is debt free. Through no fault of his own he has been furloughed.

You say "we", but exclude your husband from that. Surely he's part of your family?

When families fall on hard times you support each other, sometimes that's financially. I find it odd that you say he owes you money. Surely it's family money.

Is he maybe depressed? Must be hurting for him to have nearly been given a promotion he had worked so hard for to have it disappear.

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Frankii Fri 03-Dec-21 05:18:22

I don't think you can blame covid here for your communication style as a couple, or joint approach to finances.

It sounds like you left him when he lost his job? Why did you move out? Where does your child live?

Rainbowshit Fri 03-Dec-21 05:19:16

Also he supported you when you were studying. By your logic do you not "owe" him for that?

Shoxfordian Fri 03-Dec-21 06:28:46

It doesn’t sound as though you’re on the same team as him; why did you move out and leave him?

Iggly Fri 03-Dec-21 06:36:19

SalsaLove

Do you work? I’m not sure I understand why your husband is being referred to as almost separate unit. Seems like a strange situation.

^this

I read the OP as bring lucky enough to be living off an inheritance which she didn’t work for, yet resents her working husband who’s lost his prospects due to covid.

colourfulpuddles Fri 03-Dec-21 06:40:05

This makes no sense. Why would you leave your husband for a situation he cannot control while refusing to work yourself?

1AngelicFruitCake Fri 03-Dec-21 06:41:25

Also agree if you don’t work you can’t start criticising because he doesn’t!

anon12345678901 Fri 03-Dec-21 06:48:04

If he supported you in the past, why aren't you willing to support him now? And why didn't you work?

Mudandrain Fri 03-Dec-21 06:49:52

You're married with s child so why are you referring to him separately? As others have said, you're a unit.

GoodnightGrandma Fri 03-Dec-21 06:51:17

Why don’t you just get divorced, kick him out of the home owned by your family, and you move into that ?

Monday55 Fri 03-Dec-21 06:52:54

Sounds like you were happy for him to support you through studies and now the tables have turned and you're building resentment. If you have any savings then surely you should be helping him out because you're married.

Also if he has lost his long term well paif job he's probably going through some sort of depression.

DeadoftheMoon Fri 03-Dec-21 07:04:45

Are you in the UK? If so, in divorce wouldn't he be entitled to half of anything you have already inherited?

Fallagain Fri 03-Dec-21 07:08:14

If your marriage is falling apart so quickly, your financial struggling, don’t have a suitable home then overall it should be relief that you haven’t brought another child into this situation.

IslaInthesun Fri 03-Dec-21 07:09:19

Don't you both owe your dad money?

TicTacHoh Fri 03-Dec-21 07:14:55

I think it's hard to come back when resentment has set in, and you don't sound very supportive of your husband TBH. It sounds very yours/mine to start with.

Player001 Fri 03-Dec-21 07:17:43

Covid hasn't ruined your marriage. The inability for you both to be on the same page has. Doesn't sound like a partnership at all.

spotcheck Fri 03-Dec-21 07:24:03

I'm also confused.
Why are you studying, and gaining a Master's without any intention of working?
I'm wondering what gynae issues would stop you from eventually working?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow Fri 03-Dec-21 07:24:04

If your family home is owned by your family and you've separated why is he living there? Surely he should move out, neither of you own that house.

Sounds like he's still working? Are you working?

whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy Fri 03-Dec-21 07:29:20

Hi op, would you say you are good communicators in your marriage?

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