Am I mad to leave?

[workanddogs]

I really need some advice as my head is all over the place.

I have been married 20 years. Our relationship has always been up and down and was before we married. He hasn't always treated me well - in fact some things I tell people really shock them. If I am honest, I probably only married him as I wanted to settle down and have children. Two years ago he had an affair. I asked him to leave, but even though i had dreamed of this and my friends all wanted me to finish it, I chickened out and took him back. My friends were disappointed in me. We had counselling, we have moved on and bought a fabulous house last year. The affair is in the past.

Now, we have a wonderful life. We get on well, go out a lot and have lots of fun. We have a forever home with kids and dogs. From the outside many people might envy us.

But it's not all good. He gets angry over small things and shouts or sends aggressive texts. I don't want sex with him at all, but he is demanding and wants it 2-3 a week and gets angry and nasty if I don't. I question whether this is my problem or his. I love him as a partner and father of our children. His parents are incredibly controlling and don't like me. To top it all, I have been in contact with someone who I've known 30 years and who has made me see how toxic my relationship is. The fact that I am contemplating a relationship with this person tells me I should leave. I feel a huge amount of guilt because he does love me but I feel we have run the course.

[KirstenBlest]

No. He's angry and aggressive and demands sex. Leave.

[butterflyze]

Now, we have a wonderful life That might be what it looks like from the outside, but it's not, is it?

I feel a huge amount of guilt because he does love me Does he love you? Does he really? This is the man who betrayed you, shouts at you, sends you abusive texts and gets nasty if you turn his sex pest advances down.

My advice would be to read up on the 'sunk cost fallacy' and cut your losses.

[TheFoundations]

Stop denying your feelings. You have a crap relationship, and you've openly listed the reasons why.

You also have your fingers in your ears and are loudly singing 'LA LA LA We have a wonderful relationship LA LA LA!!'

Why are you minimising your emotions. He makes you feel horrible. Do you think he has to do it all the time to make your feelings valid?

[tickertock]

It's never too late to leave, just because it's been 20 years you're still entitled to live a good life away from someone like him.

[litterbird]

"I feel a huge amount of guilt because he does love me"

Sorry OP but he doesn't love you and I worry that his behaviour to you makes you think that this is love. You are so down the rabbit hole its quite frightening. Leave and go and find happiness elsewhere. You are living a lie right now.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Don't leave him because you're considering a fling with someone else.

Leave him because he's an arsehole.

You've had your children. Move on. Get your own life back.

You sounds miserable. You don't need to be.

And sod his parents? What do your parents think of the way he has treated you over the years? Have you told them how he treats you now?

Please leave your 'fabulous house' (and frightful husband) or ask him to leave.

[Sonaftersonafterson]

You're not mad to leave OP, but you'd be fucking mental to stay.

[workanddogs]

Thank you all. I initially felt really defensive and that I had overstated things. But having slept on it, I have wanted out of this marriage from the moment I was in and have stayed for the security. You are right. The sunk cost fallacy is spot on.

[Begrateful]

You know in your heart what's the right decision to do...Leave!!

[neverfunny]

Bumping for a hand hold.

Well, I pushed the button and we have started divorce proceedings. My husband is devastated, whereas I feel relief combined with sadness.

Every person I have told has either said about time!, or certainly that it's definitely the right thing to do.

We have started looking at the finances and I just can't see how we can make it work. Neither can afford to buy the other out or start again financially. I feel close to giving in and staying just because of the finances, and although I'd have a nice life I would be lonely and sad.

[Crazykatie]

Nobody on this site is going to encourage you to stay, in particular sex 2-3 times a week that you don’t want is pretty bad, aggression is even worse.

You say you have a nice house and seem well off financially, take your share now, you have served a long enough sentence!.

[neverfunny]

@Crazykatie

Nobody on this site is going to encourage you to stay, in particular sex 2-3 times a week that you don’t want is pretty bad, aggression is even worse.

You say you have a nice house and seem well off financially, take your share now, you have served a long enough sentence!.

thank you... i know.. probably just a wobble... :(

[Maytodecember]

Would you have a nice life? Neither of you sounds happy and the main attraction to stay seems to a nice house. If I said to you my husband is demanding sex when I don’t want it, he shouts at me and belittles me —- would you tell me to stay because we’ve got a nice house? It’d be madness.

I left my husband ( abusive, nasty) sold the 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, wrap around garden home and lived in a tiny 2 bed cottage. Loved it, not just the teeny tiny cottage but the peace, the freedom, the independent life where no one criticised me. I became me again.
Don’t let an extra bedroom, utility room or en-suite stand in the way of happiness!!!

[neverfunny]

@Maytodecember

Would you have a nice life? Neither of you sounds happy and the main attraction to stay seems to a nice house. If I said to you my husband is demanding sex when I don’t want it, he shouts at me and belittles me —- would you tell me to stay because we’ve got a nice house? It’d be madness.

I left my husband ( abusive, nasty) sold the 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, wrap around garden home and lived in a tiny 2 bed cottage. Loved it, not just the teeny tiny cottage but the peace, the freedom, the independent life where no one criticised me. I became me again.
Don’t let an extra bedroom, utility room or en-suite stand in the way of happiness!!!

thank you...this is what I need to hear!

[billy1966]

You are in an abusive relationship with a nasty sex pest.

Your relationship is over.

Do not complicate this wìth a new relationship.

Deal with the bad relationship you are in now, first.

Get legal advice and divorce.

Don't waste your future on this man who treats you so poorly.

[Watchkeys]

You're feeling guilty for wanting to leave an abusive partner.

Leave, get yourself settled and then look into why this would induce guilt in you. Why someone loving you would oblige you to be with them. If you get to the bottom of it, you'll be much much happier in your life, regardless of any future relationships, because your relationship with yourself will put you first, which isn't something you're doing, currently.

[Itstimetoquit]

He's nasty and demands sex!!!! Leave him x

[Fairislefandango]

Don't leave him because you're considering a fling with someone else. Leave him because he's an arsehole.

^ This.