Losing weight for husband?

[OneCatTooMany]

I’ll start off by saying my husband has NOT asked me to lose weight.

However, the relationship has been up and down for quite a long time. We tend to get on best when we have more sex, I imagine this is the the case for most couples and our sex life has dropped since we’ve had children (one primary, one secondary) and in that time I’ve gained a lot of weight (between 4 and 6 stone, I can’t remember exactly what I weighed - I was a size 10 and I’m now an 18 / 20). He’s gained about 3 1/2 stone in that time too. We’ve been together almost 18 years.

He says he doesn’t mind I’ve gained the weight and I’m still attractive to him - but this is making me think losing weight may help our relationship a bit, at least in that respect.

I guess it will be better over all as we will both be healthier and happier as a result.

Has anyone else here tried to lose weight for their spouse?

Thanks

[Sakurami]

I think it would be healthier to lose some weight yes. Maybe you could do it together? It is easier then I think.

[SamW98]

The only reasons to lose weight are for health or because you want to - don't ever do it for anyone else

Having said that from your post I think maybe you talk to your husband about getting fitter together. maybe start by doing a few walks and take it from there

[GinnieHempstock]

What about losing weight for you?
Surely being healthier for yourself is the best reason and if you have more sex, then that'll be a great side effect.

[Melitza]

Agree it could be a joint effort to get healthier together.
How you pitch it to your dh is important though.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Do you want to lose weight? Do you know why you gained it?

[OneCatTooMany]

We've both said we want to lose weight. It just never seems to happen, or we will lose a stone then get bored.

For me the weight gain has probably happened because I eat my feelings. Had a rough time in my mid teens and since then I've buried my feelings with food.

But I've asked for help in this, there doesn't seem to be much out there for help for adults who are still struggling with adolescent trauma.

[Peach01]

I think it will be a positive thing for both lf you.
Me & DP have done it together and it makes it a lot easier. You want to feel good and feel attractive, especially in your relationship.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Can you afford private therapy?

If you know you’re eating to deal with trauma you need to find healthier ways to process feelings as they arise or you’ll sabotage any weight loss attempts.

You need to think about what you’ll gain from a healthier body and lifestyle, it needs to be tangible and something you can clearly picture in your head when your instinct is to self medicate with food.

[Dixiechickonhols]

You are not really losing for him just wanting to be healthier. It will probably have knock on effect that you feel more energetic and confident so result in more desire. If he needs to lose too do it together. I've lost 5 stone 18/20 to 10/12 and husband is now losing too and its been really nice, walks together and trying new recipes. It’s much easier with supportive family.

[Strikethrough]

Is it not the other way round - you have more sex when you're getting on well, rather than getting on better when you're having more sex? Maybe it actually isn't that way round for you/in your relationship - do you ever feel pressured to have sex, even if in an unspoken way ("because it will make things better")? Do you actually WANT more sex, or just feel you "should" have more sex?

I'm just wondering why you're not taking his statement that he still finds you attractive at face value (especially as he has also put on weight) and just having more sex now, if that's what you want. Why the conflating it with weight?

[OneCatTooMany]

@AnneLovesGilbert Sadly private therapy is out of the question, we could just about afford it if we cut from other areas but then we would suffer in other ways.

@Strikethrough you may be right but it seems to me the physical relationship suffers when we don't get on. Maybe it is the way you are describing and I'm just putting it down to my weight as a way of pretending things aren't happening.

I guess I think it's down to my weight as I don't like myself much

[MMmomDD]

Lose weight for you and to feel better about yourself. More sex and better marriage is more of a side effect of that.

I’d also not blame all of the weight gain on the past trauma. You have lived with it for years before children and managed to control your eating.
It can also be to do with the phase of your life. Before kids you needed to be skinny to find/keep a partner to have kids.
Now you have them and you relaxed. Originally it was because kids were tiny and it was hard. So weight gain was more understandable/ defendable. But after they grew a bit easier - you got used to eating a certain way.

In addition - it’s not only your/your H’s health you need to consider. Your kids are growing up with an unhealthy eating habits in front of them - so might struggle one day too.

You and your H need to get your heads out of the sand and make changes in your house. Figure out what you overeat of - snacks? Sweets? Portion sizes? - and start by addressing it.

[OneCatTooMany]

@MMmomDD the trauma came to a head when I had the children, the trauma was linked to a parent and becoming a parent myself seemed to switch something in my brain and made it harder to cope with if that makes sense. As in, how could a parent do what they did? The love and protecting I feel for my children makes me hurt so much more for what happened to me.

But yes I'm with you on the health aspect for the kids. Luckily they are both healthy weight and active. They have sensible appetites and eat well. All our main meals are "good" it's portion sizes that seem to affect me most plus the snacks and secret eating. I don't buy snacks for the kids.

[MMmomDD]

Most overweight parents end up having overweight kids. Their proton sizes will creep up and they’ll learn unhealthy eating from both of their parents. And snacking will be hard to hide as they get older.
Your H didn’t have your trauma issues but the portion inflation has already affected him.
So it’s only a matter of time.

So - whatever you need to do - you really need to try to get this under control.
Have you tried your GP? (Sorry it you mentioned upthread and I missed it)

[Anothernick]

Sex is the glue in a relationship and when you have DC it's easy for it to slip off the agenda. You need to make time for it, even plan in advance sometimes - it sounds unromantic and icky but it's better than no sex.

And if you lose weight you will be fitter and more likely to be up for it