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Relationships

The ex partner who isn't the biological father

36 replies

Renovationguy · 07/03/2021 21:45

Hi all, I'm interested in some female perspective if you may. My relationship ended recently with my partner and she has 2 young children from a previous (controlling and coercive) relationship.

We were together a little over 2 years. As a non-parent it's fair to say it took me the best part of a year to really feel comfortable that this was right for me as well as them, getting over anxieties about biology with the constant intimidation from the ex-husband going on in the back ground as well as court hearings about contact and dividing up assets.

It was a hell of a learning curve, her youngest was still being breast fed initially when I stayed. I learnt a lot, about sleepless nights, putting him back down myself ,over time cuddling him and holding his hand after I laid him back down. The moments were a big deal to me but perhaps it hadn't sunk in at the time.

I kept myself at distance probably for too long initially, still placing my own priorities first a bit too much and finding myself somewhere on the journey between single man mentality and being a family mentality. Not committing to many 'family' days out entirely or often enough. I wasn't confident yet, the ex-husband was talked about a lot by her family and there was something nasty brewing so I found it hard to be completely comfortable yet.

I almost lost my job because of an incident where her former employer made a vexatious complaint to my own employer. The ex husband had paid this guy off to frame her and hack her laptop and a perfectly polite visit by me to pick up some personal effects landed me in disciplinary proceedings at work.

At this point , I committed to them indefinitely as my family despite her apologies and suggestion we ended it over the mess i'd been involved in . I realised what they meant to me and 3 months later we found a tracker on her car and the police arrested a private detective near my house. Her children loved me and painted me into paintings as the fourth family member.

Unfortunately the pandemic meant we were had to live apart, her sister whom she lived with wouldn't let me move in. She almost had a breakdown and I ploughed all my positivity and support into keeping her afloat during the investigation with several phone calls a day and ' illegal' walks . I was doing it for her and what I thought was going to be our family. Without complaint or any question.

The police enquiry ended as No Further Action and i never made the bubble or any since , her mother chosen instead of me. I survived on walks and outings with them which I treasured. I ran around like an idiot having fun with the kids but had to keep myself focused on some projects at home to stop myself feeling negative about the separation . It's fair to say it really became clear after Covid came how much I missed the kids as well as her, more than I thought i could to be honest. I used to say insensitive things like "but they're not my kids" when I felt sadness looking at other dads at local attractions, wishing they were mine. But, when I committed to them after a year I didn't even care anymore, i felt like I was growing into this idea of being their dad and it was down to their trust in me also. I volunteered to babysit to see the kids rather than save her cash in all honesty, I loved being Dad doing teeth brushing and story time.

As the pandemic wore on I began to suffer what I now know was anxiety about the uncertainty around not seeing then. We had a couple of run ins but sorted it, I was allowed to stay again, but the rules changed after a temporary lockdown so I was out again by November. I missed them loads and suffered a really bad breakdown one day over talk of them moving further away. It ended the relationship , I spoke to a counsellor for the first time in my life . We got back together and I spent several lovely days being the family she'd wanted us to be before they went off to their fathers for Christmas.

Once they returned from contact a further lockdown was underway, the same one as we're still in now and there was zero contact, no meeting outside even allowed. I tried hard to remain upbeat , suggested positively we swap her mother to the 'childcare' option and me to the bubble but I got accused of being selfish and making it about my needs only. Yes I was struggling bigtime without them after some brilliant days before Christmas but I genuinely wanted to help her through a tricky period also, wash up, cook ,play with the kids and move forward as a family. She saw it as self serving, I even made dinners and dropped them off like she had when we first met but i got accused later of this being about leverage. Her growing indifference to my struggle just peaked my anxiety too.

I sort of cracked up , worried about not seeing them and she said I was putting pressure on her. She didn't have the capacity to reassure me .The relationship ended. Needless to say I was devastated and all the built up emotion and anxiety I'd had to keep a lid on came out. I talked about how I missed the children and how this year had created a genuine mental health blip without my 'family' but she maintained it was in my head, i was using them to manipulate her, we weren't a family and they told everyone they loved them not just me, I was never there and all sorts of stuff that was absolutely brutal to hear for a fledgling non-biological dad. She diminished every thing I remembered so dearly.

I had to see the GP quite quickly and also spoke to a counsellor and anxiety was diagnosed going back some time into this pandemic. I can't say I'm doing much better really, i wake up thinking of them all every morning . She maintains it's in my head and won't acknowledge that I've genuinely suffered from anxiety by missing them through this thing.

Does anyone have experience of an ex partner who isn't the children's biological Dad forming a bond with your children ?

Did they struggle like I am when the relationship ended? Did it seem justified in their reaction ?

Do you think i'm finding it worse because of the lockdown?

Has anybody maintained contact with the ex-partner and do the kids still see them?

I have no clue if an ex seeing the kids is a thing?

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PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 07/03/2021 21:54

My sister split up with a long term partner, he takes her son out every weekend and he stays over when she's on nights. His dad is also involved with weekly visits. This has been going on years, her son is in high school and they're all happy with the set up. She has been in a relationship for a couple of years with someone new.