Moving house - am I making this too complicated/ overplanning?

[amazingamy2021]

So my partner of several years and I have a slightly complicated situation; I have my own house, he rents a small flat 230 miles away. He used to work local to me, but that finished pre Covid, and he's now set up business local to him, which is likely to continue.

The plan was always that once my DC were 'grown up'/ had left home, I would sell my house, give DC a share each, and use the rest to buy somewhere in his area. 5 years ago, I thought we would be almost at that position now, but despite being late teens/ early 20s my DC are nowhere near independent and I couldn't make a permanent move away yet. They see their dad once a year and there's no other family so I would feel like I was abandoning them if I just upped and left now.

For various reasons DC have never visited the area my partner lives in; I would like them to do so, as they might want to come with us. Or even move there but independently. My suggestion therefore - which partner agreed - was that this year (as his tenancy is up and it's possible the LL wants to sell, though not confirmed) we'd get a place together, I would stay up there say 1 week in every 3-4 (currently we alternate visits to each others homes at fortnightly intervals) and my DC could visit every few months too. I would pay the 'extra' rent and bills involved in going from a 2 bed flat to 3 bed house, and we'd stay like that til we were ready to buy together in perhaps 3-5 years (depending on my DC).

Partner was on board with that idea, we talked about it a fair bit last year, that 2021 was going to be the year etc.

I've been looking at rental properties; 3 bed houses in his area are snapped up super quick; most only go on Rightmove or the estate agents own sites for a day or 2 before going let agreed. I have mentioned this to him, and he was, not terse or annoyed exactly, but a bit like 'well we don't need to rush into it'. His view is that he's got months until his lease ends, plenty of time and that whenever he moves, he only starts thinking about it a couple of weeks beforehand (this is true - his last move to the current place, we made a list of all available properties in his budget, got viewings for all of them, and whittled it down from there - difference is there are a lot less 3 bed places, and demand is also much greater) so there's no rush, it will happen when it happens.

I feel a bit upset by his response, but I don't know if I am being unfair in that or not?

[sunnytimes83]

It sounds like the idea of moving in has been on the cards for so long he has felt it will never happen..so he is not ready for it!?

[HollowTalk]

You're making an enormous sacrifice, OP. He opened that business in that area knowing that you would be the one to make everything work. Your children aren't old enough to be left - I completely understand that. I wouldn't be rushing to move on with this man, frankly. You have your job, your home and your kids. He's the one who could make the move, but he deliberately set up his work 230 miles away.

[amazingamy2021]

I probably should have explained in my OP, he is from the area he lives in, working near me was only ever short term, his intention was always to base himself more permanently up there. It was lucky he was able to keep working near me as long as he did, he could have ended up at the other end of the country. The business is to give him a long term financial future, he couldn't have set it up elsewhere really.

I never know if I'm being precious about my DC. They're past school age but I think still need me around even part time.

It's just a bit disappointing now we are finally near to living together in some sense and I thought he'd be more enthusiastic...then again he says it's absolutely still what he wants, so maybe I shouldn't be reading more into it than that.

[amazingamy2021]

Maybe it's just a difference in approach? I'm much more of a planner, he's more take it as it comes.

[amazingamy2021]

Just bumping for more opinions...

[user1493413286]

I’m a bit confused as you won’t be able to move/rent somewhere new until his current lease ends anyway so it’s not like he’s delaying anything as you’ve got a firm date to work to? When I’ve rented places they normally want you to move in quite quickly so I wouldn’t be looking months in advance as they won’t wait months. It sounds like it’s just different approaches.
I also think that it’s really good what you’re doing for your DC but at some point I’d set a bit of a limit, 5 years seems a long time if your youngest is late teens? I’m also not sure why you’d sell your house and give them a share.

[amazingamy2021]

The rental properties in the area now are available from April at the earliest (and as I said snapped up days at most) and his lease ends in June - and he might be able to be released early from it - so I think starting to look now is sensible. If his LL doesn't renew the lease he has to be out on June and my concern is if he leaves it to the 11th hour and there's no 3 beds available (which isn't impossible - right now for example there are only 3 available in our price range which are all no good for one reason or other - one has no parking, one is tiny, smaller than his current place, and the 3rd one is in an awful part of town) then he'll have to rent another 2 bed, and the whole plan will shift back by a year. I can't help but see that potential risk, whereas he just assumes it will all work out ok.

None of my DC have gone to university, they haven't lived away from home and are quite young in that respect. I don't want to move away while they still need me; I feel in 5 years the youngest will be 23 and either at a point of wanting some independence, or they may want to come with me, which would be lovely. I'm giving them a share of the house sale or at least intending to so they can get a foot on the housing ladder, they're all quite low earners and would struggle to ever get a home of their own otherwise. Plus property in the area where my partner lives is significant cheaper than where I am now.

[amazingamy2021]

I think maybe I will stop looking at houses for the next 4-6 weeks, unless anything changes like the LL makes a decision to sell or whatever.