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Sister says I have no boundaries

(128 Posts)
Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 15:55:05

Sorry for the long thread. This has been going on for years, probably since my DSis was first pregnant 9 years ago. We got on ok before that.

My DSis is married with 4 DC, bit of a rocky marriage at times. I'm divorced with 1 DD. We live within 10 mins drive. My DSis has been very angry and snappy over the years. She has accused me of having OCD, no boundaries etc and frequently is angry at me.

It's come to a head because my DD has been accepted at a school half way between our houses. I was pleased becuase she would see her cousins and it is a great school. It's a specialised school so we have both used placing requests.

My DSis says I'm stepping on her toes and she will possibly take her kids out. I'm so confused and saddened.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 16-Feb-21 15:57:19

There must be a lot more to this than just the school issue. What's the backstory? Why does she say you have no boundaries?

Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 16:02:26

No one else can understand why she is accusing me of this, my mum thinks she is taking her life frustrations out on me.

One concern I have is if she stops me or my DD for seeing the kids. It's such a nightmare.

OP’s posts: |
TitusPullo Tue 16-Feb-21 16:08:49

There has to be a backstory if she has accused you of having no boundaries in the past? She sounds very frustrated and this is the last straw. Can you think of other instances where perhaps you invited yourself to things or bought the same things as her etc?

MaMaD1990 Tue 16-Feb-21 16:10:30

This seems incredibly strange behaviour. There must be something going on in the background with her and she's lashing out at you. I'd keep a bit of distance from her to be honest, not in a nasty way but if you don't need to message her then don't. Maybe check in with her every few weeks to see how she is and see if that would make a difference to her behaviour? She can't be nasty to you if you don't engage with her as regularly (if she says she needs space). Sorry OP, sounds a tough situation to be in.

Wolfiefan Tue 16-Feb-21 16:13:04

Why is she angry? How do you lack boundaries? There must be a reason for her behaviour.

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 16-Feb-21 16:13:08

What does she mean by “no boundaries”? This can’t have come out of the blue, surely? Do you pop by her house unannounced? Try to arrange for DD to spend time with her cousins without checking with sister if it’s convenient? Overly keen for them to be “besties” and so by having them at the same school your sister worries there existing friendships will be disrupted?

MichelleScarn Tue 16-Feb-21 16:17:13

Would you have picked this school if the cousins weren't there? Ultimately its the school that chooses the pupils so she can't be too mad at you for that unless there is a back story?

Lweji Tue 16-Feb-21 16:17:55

Have you previously given your opinion about her marriage?

Did you choose the school so that your children could be closer to the cousins?

Has she felt before that her children are compared to hers?

If anything, my advice is to try and listen to what she's saying and to try and understand why without trying to show her that she's wrong.
Let her talk. She'll probably end up going to the deeper reason, which can be her own issues, but it may also require some self-reflection on your part.

NerrSnerr Tue 16-Feb-21 16:21:55

There has to be more to the story. Are you expecting any kind of after school childcare from her? Do you just turn up at her house (is that what she means by boundaries?)

There must be a reason why she's angry about this.

Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 16:22:05

Thanks everyone for reading.

My DD is an only child and I am keen for her to be close with her cousins. She is 4 and the cousins are 1, 4, 5 and 8. She is good friends with the 5 year old girl particularly. They wouldn't be in the same year however.

My sister has very few friends whereas I'm quite sociable. But she then rejects me if I suggest doing anything. I don't visit, call or suggest meeting up any more. I don't know what else I can do. I think she likes to compartmentalise her life if that makes sense? She blows hot and cold.

The school seems to have sent her over the edge however. I'm feeling torn between my DD's education and happiness and my DSis' approval.

OP’s posts: |
Bubbles1st Tue 16-Feb-21 16:23:01

Could she be envious of your life style? Maybe 4 kids under 10 and an unstable marriage is taunting her outlook on life. Maybe she doesn't want you to have something she has that's a good thing because she isn't happy in other areas?

Wolfiefan Tue 16-Feb-21 16:23:07

She wouldn’t just be angry because you want the kids to be close. What have you actually done?

Bubbles1st Tue 16-Feb-21 16:23:23

*Tainting not taunting

Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 16:24:32

I feel so sorry for the kids, she is not letting them see one another, even outdoors. No idea what to do.

I've always bitten my tongue about her marriage but she did ask for my help 2 years ago and tells me about their arguments etc.

OP’s posts: |
strawberriesatmypicnic Tue 16-Feb-21 16:27:13

Just send your dc to the school . It's up to her if she pulls hers out or not.

Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 16:27:55

Ok an example she gave of boundaries is that I moved house the same year as her. She said I had copied her. Which is absolutely not true, I moved because I needed two bedrooms.

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Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 16:28:37

Also I'm 40, we're not youngsters.

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Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 16:30:16

Yes I believe she is extremely unhappy in most areas of her life. However she pushes me away and now has made out like this issue is the cause of her unhappiness.

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Lweji Tue 16-Feb-21 16:30:34

Unless you have a place at a school closer to home, I wouldn't change it, but would keep my distance and not push for a relationship either way.
Your DD will make friends.

My DS isn't particularly close to his cousins for different reasons. Some because of the age gap, others more because of the adults.
But he found good friends in school.
Yours will too.

Coronawireless Tue 16-Feb-21 16:30:43

I also have a Dsis who blows hot & cold. We have always had an up and down relationship. Our DDs are in the same school - which was her choice and I wasn’t too happy about it initially as I wondered what would happen if they fell out with each other.
Luckily our DDs get on superbly. I tread carefully though because Dsis wouldnt hesitate to withdraw her children from mine as a weapon, regardless of how the children would feel.
Our children are older and I look forward to the day when they are old enough to make their own arrangements.
Meanwhile I look forward to hearing more of your story and any advice on this thread.

SwanShaped Tue 16-Feb-21 16:30:55

Will she actually take her kids out of the school though? Or is she just saying that?

Teentitansonloop Tue 16-Feb-21 16:32:58

I just need a reality check to be honest. She's constantly reading articles online and diagnosing me with OCD, being codependent, having no boundaries etc. Sigh.

I'm signed up for phone counselling next week so maybe that'll help me unpick this mess.

OP’s posts: |
Thebizz Tue 16-Feb-21 16:33:18

Did she feel you ‘copied’ her with the house and now the school?

Eckhart Tue 16-Feb-21 16:34:20

The person who will suffer if you have no boundaries is you. If she feels you are crossing her boundaries, then it's her responsibility to enforce them, by either explaining to you not to cross them, or staying away from you.

I would suggest that she has poor boundaries, unless she's asking you not to do things and you're still doing them anyway.

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