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Constantly being belittled for housework

8 replies

StonedRoses · 17/01/2021 15:40

Our marriage has many, many problems with it(!) - this one seems trivial but is really annoying me.
I try not to be like so many of the men I hear about on here and do my equal share around the house. But whatever I do I get criticised for not doing it right. Usually my DW will then just take over and do it - making me feel like a naughty kid. We’re talking about hoovering, ironing, using the washing machine. It’s usually trivial stuff like putting the glasses on the wrong side of the dishwasher. I’ve no idea how I’m doing it wrong - if I ask what program to put one of her stuff on the washing machine I just get a huff and ‘I’ll do it myself’. Equally annoying is that I then get criticised for not doing my share of the housework

How do I bring this up without sounding like I’m moaning? Or how do I just let it go?

OP posts:

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QuarkIsGreat · 17/01/2021 16:05

There's usually a reason for the trivial stuff, it can be massively annoying: my ex used to put massive pan lids on the top rack of the dishwasher so everything underneath stayed dirty. My polite reminders resulted in... more pan lids on top rack.

Glasses need to be stacked a certain way or they break/don't clean and dry properly.

If her way of doing things doesn't have a valid reason, then she's being unfair to you and has no reason to complain.

But it's probably an indication of deeper issues. Have you tried asking her why she won't explain things?

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Edgeoftheledge · 17/01/2021 16:07

She either lets you do it or stops moaning!

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category12 · 17/01/2021 16:08

She sounds very resentful - do you know what's behind this? What's the rest of your relationship like?

It can be annoying to be expected to be the fount of all housework knowledge - it's called the mental load > having to do the other person's thinking for them. Perhaps instead of asking her, try googling how to load a dishwasher and follow best practice? Perhaps stick to washing your own clothes if you're not sure what wash hers should go on.

Maybe it's worth going to relationship counselling to try to get your communication going, because it's unreasonable of her to be snapping at you for doing things "wrong" and it sounds like she's being a bit precious about it.

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Imiss2019 · 17/01/2021 16:11

To be fair it’s really tedious being asked things like what program to use on the washing machine. If you don’t know there’s a good chance you don’t do as much as you think you do.
DH does the ironing but I can’t let him do mine anymore because he wrecks knitwear. Pisses me off that he can’t figure out how to iron things without stretching them out and that he can’t do a full chore I.e. everyone’s ironing.
Or he’ll not change the brush settings on the hoover head so he’s doing the carpet with the hard floor brushes on.
Having someone do half a shit job is beyond annoying.

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dementedpixie · 17/01/2021 16:14

Check clothes labels although I mostly use a 40⁰C wash except for towels and bedding where I will do them at 60⁰C. Do a wash by colours - darks, whites, mixed lighter colours, etc

Re the dishwasher, I'm normally in charge of that and if dh puts stuff in I just rearrange to suit rather than moaning as then he will stop putting anything in at all

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VettiyaIruken · 17/01/2021 16:17

Oh god my mum was just like this with my dad and with me and my sister.

Huff, sigh, why do I have to do EVERYTHING?

well mum, that would be because no matter what we do, we didn't do it the right way and you would snap at us to leave it and whatever we did, you would redo it.

She would complain my dad wasn't a mind reader. Refusing to tell him what was wrong, insisting that if he cared about her he should just know.
We should see what needs doing and do it but would tell if we did exactly that.

You literally cannot win with this type of person. You just can't. My dad just gave up in the end. He was wrong whether he did it or not, so 🤷‍♀️

If she's like my mum, good bloody luck! You can't win here.

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Sausagis · 17/01/2021 16:17

Can you approach it from a different angle: tell her you want to take over certain jobs in their entirety. So taking on all the mental load of that item, and no chance of you doing a shit job which she has to fix next day. So say (eg) you will handle ALL the bins (emptying when full etc), and all the ..... (I don't know what you had in mind - maybe not the laundry as my husband would fuck if all up and turn my whites pink and put creases in it all) maybe always wash kids lunchboxes, empty dishwasher (promptly), etc?