Relationship breaking down

[Sugardrop]

Hello, can you offer me some advice please? I feel like im at a crossroads and not sure what to do! Husband and i have been together over 20 years. Hes always been a big drinker and since ive stopped its almost like he drinks more. We argue about this all the time and im just sick and tired of it all now. I feel like im unintentionally monitoring him with his drinking. If you asked him about his drinking he would say he drinks 3-4 days per week but reality is he pretty much drinks daily with perhaps the one day off a week. Im talking 2-4 cans of beer 440mls per day. He says he just fancies them after a day at work. Recently ive been suspicious that hes drank when ive gone out eg last night i went to the shop when he got in, probably gone around 1.5 hours. No sign of it. I thought great, second night this week no drinking but ive just put something in the recycle bin (which was emptied yesterday daytime) and there was a bag of rubbish in there with four crushed cans stuffed in. On a weekend, id say he openly drinks as hey its the weekend, everyone drinks right? So he would have approx 6-7 cans and maybe a large glass or two of wine. Feels like everytime hes at home hes got an alcoholic drink in his hand, which i hate in front of the kids. Its just not right imo.

After all that rambling, my question is- aibu about nagging him about cutting down or is that problem drinking? Just exhausting and i feel on edge with it all.
Thanks

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and you seem as caught up in this as he is. No you are not being unreasonable at all but what you’re really describing here is life with an alcoholic. You are basically playing out the usual roles associated within this I.e codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). It’s never really stable in your house is it and you seem also to be constantly firefighting. His primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you and it’s certainly not with your children. You will further drive yourself mad if you continue to police his drinking.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. When is their dad ever really stone cold sober and what are they seeing when they look at you?. They are seeing their mother constantly preoccupied and otherwise not fully emotionally available because her finite levels of energy is being taken up by her alcoholic husband. My guess too is that your kids also act very carefully around him as to not set him off. They are also becoming hyper vigilant here about his drinking like you indeed already are.

You have a choice red this man, they do not. They will become more aware of all this too as they get older. What are going to be their main memories of childhood?

At the very least I would urge you to contact Al-anon ASAP and get support for your own self. You cannot help him (he is the only one who can do that) but you can and should indeed help your own self here. It may also be an idea for you also to seek legal advice should you decide to separate going forward. Knowledge after all is power.

The 3cs of alcoholism are
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

[Sugardrop]

Thanks for your response @AttilaTheMeerkat. I guess i just wanted confirmation that how i feel is right as he tells me im a nag and yhis is normal for adults to drink like this, his mates drink like this. I dont agree and dont want this in my life. I feel bad for splitting up the family and when ive mentioned that i cant continue like this he makes me feel like im making a mountain out of a molehill and im the bad person ruining everything. I really hate weekends because they revolve around him watching sport which goes hand in hand with him opening a can.

I just dont want my kids to think this is normal eg drinking all the time. I just feel guilty but do fantasise about a single life just me and the kids- no drama.

[Sugardrop]

Ive kept tabs on what hes drank this week. 56.7 units. Drank every day. Thats too much right?
Yesterday started drinking at 2pm. We argued later about youngest not staying in his bedroom. Ive come to realise i hate weekends. I just feel overwhelmed with how to move forward with this. I talk to him about it and he says “not this again@ im making a mountain out of a molehill . I just dont want this constant cycle anymore. The tension building all day to an argument later on and him swearing at me in front of the kids.

[AlicebytheSea]

I've had direct experience of this. I'm sorry but as a PP said it will play out where your only focus is him as you wont have the headspace for anything else but trying to manage him ( which you won't).
It will get worse, I can say 100%. Can you begin to detach from him ? His first love is the drink,not you or the kids.

Leaving is the best option, but I understand it will take time,and you have to be ready for it. I stayed far too long.

[Wibble01]

I think there's a few things here OP.

Perhaps most pressing is does the drinking impact his behaviour. i.e. does it make him more aggressive etc or is it a relaxant.

From a health perspective I think you need a few days a week off the booze to stay healthy so your body to recover. Over time this will impact his health. It may take years but I would say my Dad drank like you describe and these days he's very over weight and has various health issues. He doesn't smoke or eat badly so can only conclude its the drink.

I'm not sure this makes him an alcoholic. Sounds more like he has a low level dependency. It can often be a coping mechanism if things are stressful and relationships a bit frayed.)

Could you monitor over say 7/14 days and then ask him what hes had and then inform him what he's had.