Mad world - any way back?

[20yearitch]

Would love to brainstorm and get some advice.

Been married to dh for almost 20 years - four children ranging from 16 to 4.

Used to be really affectionate, happy, lots of fun together.

Life is crazily busy. Been a tough year, both lost our jobs although we're both back in work again now.

Dh and I have drifted apart for years. Lots of bitterness builds up within me and then we have a massive row....I say it's over....he says he's happy and that it's normal to go through bad spells. Then my bitterness subsides and we go back to our separate lives until the anger comes back - usually every six months or so!

We've been in separate rooms for about three years, no intimacy for about a year...and very sparse. Probably about two hugs a week if that.

We never spend anytime together as we're either with the kids or in the evening we're so exhausted that I like to do my own thing (study or piano) and he loves his baths.

Never eat dinner as a family - he loves to cook for us but then serve as the family are eating. Says he prefers to be there for everyone keeping them happy rather than sitting down. He then takes his dinner to the bath!! He also spends more and more time in the car doing work phone calls or talking to his friends (no, definitely not another woman - I am certain of that!)

He's started drinking more than he used to (a few cans every night), eats far worse than he ever used to - nips out for a coffee or pasty every morning....I know it's not to meet anyone before anyone asks.

He is all about acts of service - he will do everything for us all: clean the house, drive me/children anywhere if we ask him to, does all the shopping, cooking, clean the bathrooms, pop to town to get anything we need....he enjoys doing absolutely anything for us all. But never spends any time unless we ask him to.

If I ever ask him to have dinner with us - he will. If I ask him to spend more time 'being with' the kids instead of serving them he will. Just yesterday I asked him to be more present with the kids and he sat down with them to watch tv and then did a jigsaw with them - so he will respond if I ask. He is often with us but only in presence - he will be cooking, cleaning, helping everyone - but never actually there in mind if that makes sense. No quality time 'being' with us.

Anyway yesterday we had our usual six month depletion talk from me. My love language is physical affection and I feel totally unloved, unappreciated and fed up. Haven't had a proper hug in months, no intimacy for over a year, just totally depleted. I've suggested he gets his own place and as usual he's shocked. Tells me he's happy - not sure how but hey! He is always so loving as I tell him how unhappy I am - never gets cross even when I say some pretty mean things to him. He just takes them and says he'll think it over and we'll talk in a few days time. And then it just blows over until the next time - same cycle for years.

I've suggested marriage counselling but he's very private and is totally anti that idea. I do love him but I feel totally depleted. My bucket is empty.

I know for sure there is no-one else - he's been home since April and even when he goes out I often call him and he's there for me.

I think he's depressed but this has been going on now for about six years. Any way back? Or do I just work out how to leave with the four children? It's our 20th wedding anniversary early next year.

We do actually get on really well - never argue. If we could get back the physical and mental connection we had once upon a time it would be perfect. But is this a crazy futile thought?

I would love to hear from others who understand.

[Elmo311]

Hi OP,

I'm bumping for you so that hopefully others will be along soon with some advice.

I haven't had a relationship of 20years yet! But my advice would be that if you're truly unhappy you need to stick to your word, tell him and mean it. Somethings got to change or that's it.

The fact that you tell him, then leave it 6months then have the discussion again probably means that he doesn't truly believe what you're saying to him. Actions speak louder than words as I'm sure you know so you have to make it clear to him that your relationship is on the line and you're serious about him moving out if things don't change.

Maybe he can go to counselling separately?

I don't know, I just personally think that if you say something and don't follow through then no one takes you seriously. I only think this because I have two toddlers though!

Appreciate how hard this must be for you, easier said to just leave than to do it.

[seensome]

Can you try and break the barrier between you, what happens if you go in for more than two hugs a week? Why the separate rooms, no wonder you feel so detached, if you want it to work then make time to spend with just you and him, suggest for a change that you eat dinner together, make some small changes and hopefully regain a closer relationship with him again.

[JessieR2386]

He sounds like he really needs and would benefit from counselling. He obviously thinks his value is in what he does over and above who he is to a point where it doesn't sound like there is not much left to work with. Does he have interests other than baths , pastries and doing things for others.... It does remind me if how I was years ago and I did end up very depressed, and counselling helped a hell of a lot.

[NameChanged294749]

My OH was like this for several years. Acts of service, but little emotional engagement and lack of intimacy. I fooled myself into thinking we were working through it and I was being supportive by waiting for him to come to me when he needed to, coming up with DIY help yourself strategies linked to sport etc. I should have been more proactive in tackling the problems head on, which are so bloody obvious when you write them down. No amount of sporty endorphins was ever going to solve emotional absence and lack of sex!

As you'll see from my recent posts this has resulted in an issue with an OW. EA territory. I think she was able to provide an uncomplicated boost to my partner that allowed him to keep his head buried in the sand about his own deep seated unhappiness. He began craving that simple boost. We considered counselling for him last year and he refused. I wish I'd been firmer about making that a reality back then as I believe we wouldn't be in our current crisis if we'd tackled his issues sooner. It's now more complicated than ever due to the issue with a third party.

[NameChanged294749]

Posted too soon!

So I am seconding the suggestion of counselling. Maybe starting as couples therapy first to help him relax in to it and to help him get used to the idea of chatting to someone about personal things? You'd be there to show him the way while also working on your emotional connection with the help of the counsellor.

[NonsensicalHair]

What does he say about your lack of intimacy and being in separate bedrooms? Does he consider that normal?