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Advice please(17 Posts)
Hi, I am just after some advice please. I have no kids but my partner has 3. They are all over 18, between 18 - 25, one lives with their mum and the other 2 have moved out living alone. My partner and I live together and have done for over a year now but In his house. I’m just wondering what you would consider a reasonable amount of days a week he sees his kids. Some weeks it’s every single day and as much as I like them, I’m feeling a bit suffocated, there are a lot of last minute visits where they come round so I can’t relax or make plans and there have been many times where our plans have been put to one side because of unplanned visits. He feels like he can’t say no to them but when he’s seen them 6 out of 7 days a week and we haven’t had any time together I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say we are spending a day / night together. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable seeing as I don’t have kids of my own but if he had young kids and split custody we would only have them 50%. It just means that after about the 5th day on the run I start to resent that there’s no “us” time or “me” time, I work 5 days a week so would like to sometimes just chill some nights. Whereas if it was more balanced out I would enjoy the time we see them more, if that makes sense. Would love to hear some opinions. Thank you x
Well they won't be able to come round in lockdown, will they?
I’d say don’t have a relationship with a father if you don’t want his kids around, regardless of their age
Seriously, if my DP felt this way I’d tell him where to go!
And how do you know it would be 50/50 if they were young? Is it assumed because he’s the dad he wouldn’t have majority custody? What if their mother wasn’t around?
You sound very selfish imo. He can see his kids as much as he wants
Sorry but i agree with PP. When you take on a partner with kids of whatever age, you tale on the kids too and to a certain extent, their father's home is their home too. If you can't accept that then this is not the relationship for you
It’s nothing to do with not wanting them around. Parents who live with their children still have some alone time so why can’t we? The 50/50 split statement said IF they split custody we would get 50% time off. It was a theoretical scenario. And if they lived with us full time they would be doing their own thing as well as spending time with us, whereas the situation now is that between them all we have at least one of them round pretty much every day. We can’t make / have tea or do household chores or even go to bed when tired at times because they stay most of the night and like I said a lot of it is unplanned visits so we can’t even work round it. My point is if they lived with us then general routine or life wouldn’t stop when they were there would it?
I feel for you but I don’t think it’s an option to restrict the time a dad spends with kids at any age. Could you discus having one night a week that was ‘date night’ for the two of you and that would be a night you can make whatever plans you liked knowing it would be the two of you and other nights could be open?
I don't think you and this man are compatible. He obviously enjoys having family just drop in casually and he's happy like that. You're not (neither am I!) It's not unreasonable for him to feel happy about it, and it's not unreasonable for you to not like it.
If everything else is great, I'd sit him down and ask him to agree that you have 2 nights a week where the 2 of you just chill together with no visitors. This will mean he needs to tell his kids "just to let you know, me and Polly are having a quiet night in tomorrow, but do you fancy dropping in for a cuppa on Friday?"
If he's not willing to do that, then you've got a problem.
"Parents who live with their children still have some alone time so why can’t we? "
This is the funniest thing I've seen all week OP.
I can categorically state that after years of wrangling to find some 'alone time' that nowhere is safe when you have children...They will always be somewhere nearby, better than a chaperone
I actually agree with you. I have a grown up DC still living at home and when I want time with his dad I have to spell it out, young adult children just don't consider this scenario really..... I think it can be harder getting some time alone now than when he was young. Your partner has to deal with it though.
He has to tell them you are having a night together.... , otherwise you will come across as interfering and possessive .. which is unfair but it's the way it is.
I think the key is to continue living your life as normal and don’t stop your normal routine because of unplanned visits. Have your tea when you want, go to bed when you want, etc.
I don’t think you or DP should say anything because it is likely to cause a rift with his children that may never be resolved.
If it is really getting to you this much consider moving into your own place so you can get away when you want to or separating.
I'd hate this too OP and I have DCs and my partner does. I need down time and I need time with DP. To have someone around all the time would drive me mad. My own DCs go upstairs at a certain time in the evenings so I get down time/time with DP so it's not unrealistic at all.
I'd go with a pp, discuss this with your DP and say you need time together/date nights that are set aside and uninterrupted plus you would prefer to know in advance if people are coming around so you can plan your time. I would also carry on with your own plans if his DCs are there. You don't need to sit there the whole time, carry on and have a bath or whatever and leave them all to it. It's your home. I make the effort with DPs DC but I don't stay in the same room the whole time, I get on and cook or iron or have a bath or whatever. It's my home and whilst he's welcome, I don't stop life because someone else is there and DP doesn't expect me to.
I think that’s the main problem for me, that when they do come round- life stops. Which is fine if it was just a few days a week but it’s not. And if I was to start cooking or go to bed I would feel I was being “rude”. And like someone’s said, if they were young kids they would be in bed and that would be our downtime. My brother has kids and he seems to have more alone time with his partner than I do. I also know my partner wouldn’t really like it if my nieces were round everyday unannounced.
That’s the point OP why does life stop? Who has decided this rule? It wouldn’t be rude to make dinner or do whatever else you need to do. Just do it. It’s your home.
I guess I have just taken direction from my partner with it being his kids and he never seems to just crack on as normal when they are here.
Do chores make tea, whatever, they are adults and not really guests - even rope them in to help if you can. But Thursday on, they shouldn't be coming round at all, so that will give you a break.
Is it just that life stops though? It would drive me crazy not having at least one evening a week for a kind of "date night" together. You can't really do anything on a whim... You can't get romantic or spend time together even watching a quiz show just the two of you! You literally never know when the doors going to go. I don't know. I would feel like my boundaries were getting walked all over in this situation.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. They are adults and you're entitled to want some alone time with your partner. Discuss it?
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