HELP can’t cope with sons dad and the new woman he’s moved in

[chloe4612]

Apologies for long story but am in desperate need of advice. I’d always kept close friends with my ex after ending things after 7 years. I realised he was controlling with money/time/me going out etc but wanted to show my nearly 4 year old son we could stay close.
A couple of months ago my son (who can fully talk) start saying a strange word which neither me nor his dad and family could work out what he was saying. Eventually his dad admitted that this was a code word our son was using for a girl and he had moved someone he’d been talking to for 2 weeks on tinder in because she had no where to go but hadn’t told me because he didn’t think she’d be there long (this was two months down the line) And we had always had an agreement that we would let each other know if we ever planned on introducing anyone to our son.
Fast forward a couple of months and ever since this girl has been in his life we cannot seem to be civil, he has turned incredibly nasty and she is always around my son when it’s his dads time to have him (one week night and every other weekend) despite me previously saying I was uncomfortable with this as not even he knows her after this time. We now only communicate through my dad and everything is a battle, his maintenance payments are late and he is now saying he will be paying what he wants each month and it’ll be different each time.
I have absolutely no control over the situation and have been pushed to edge when my son came back calling her ‘mummy name’ which bought me to tears.
I just wanted to hear peoples opinions on this and how they’ve gone from being quite close to not being able to speak to each other over a complete stranger coming into the picture. I am struggling to cope with the thought of my son being close to this person who has completely turned our family unit upside down (and no, there isn’t any jealousy, we were still able to be a family but not be in a relationship)
Appreciate anyone reading and especially and advice, thanks x

[Halo1234]

Hate to say it and not saying its right but the phrase you can't fight fire with fire comes to mind. Think you need to be overly reasonable and overly nice to not be seen as the enemy. Hard to do though when he is using code word and your little one is calling her mummy name. I think your best letting them get on with their relationship. And sugar coat every thing u say to him...hard to do not sure i could. But someone has got to be the bigger person if u are going to get along and it doesn't sound like it will be him. Of being reasonable doesnt work and you are short on money because he isnt paying his maintenance you might have to accept things cant be amicable just now and that's not on you. Go down the csa route and ensure your son has what he needs. Good luck.

[chloe4612]

Thank you for your advice, I will always be amicable for our son. I work hard and sadly most goes towards nursery at the minute until he’s at school so I do rely on part of his money so I’ll definitelt look into csa, thanks x

[GilbertMarkham]

Maintenance through CSA or whatever correct name is.

The idea of paying what he likes and varying it is nuts.

[LilyLongJohn]

Go via the CMS for child maintenance, I've just done it and it couldn't be easier.

Keep communicating via your Dad but only talk about what you absolutely need to, only respond to him if it's a reasonable question about your ds. You don't need to talk to him about anything else, CM included, this can all be done via the CMS.

As for your ds, just remain civil about your ex and his gf in front of him. The phrase 'not your circus, not your monkeys' springs to mind