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Incident the other night has left me confused

(3 Posts)
abcadv Mon 26-Oct-20 12:08:31

Have name changed but am a MN regular.

History
H and I have been married 15yrs, together 19yrs, 1 DC 10.

We've always gotten well, had the odd verbal spat but then it's resolved within a day.

I understand the pressures of Covid have made everyone feel under pressure and I don't know if what happened was just the release valve so to speak.

There is a 10+ age gap between us, which for the most part has never been an issue. He has always been respectful of his ex partner and never bad mouthed her, except for the odd comment, but in total its never been more than 8 comments in 15 years.

DC is reaching the age where they are starting to push buttons but is on the whole a good kid.

During one of these moments when DC was giving a bit of attitude, I told them off, DC then swore at me.
Straight away I withdrew access to games console and said I would not be spoken to like that, it's the first time this has happened.
H backed me up on the punishment but then after DC went to bed started on about his others never swore, he hates swearing and I should never be swearing in front of them. I will let the odd 'Ah shit' out, but I'm not one to swear each day. It then turned into a bit of a rant of how DC is on games too much (I don't think so, 90 mins a day, but after homework has been done) and then it turned to a rant about everyone feeling the need to be on Facebook and how I am on it too much.

I can't remember how it escalated from there but I did argue back that kids are all on the Internet now and to keep DC away from it would isolate them further, and I made the first ever dig at him about his age, I'd never done this before.

The argument continued and he was getting more wound up, (this sounds so silly to be writing this out) but I was not backing down and he then mocked me as to how I say something and even drew on some derogatory cultural references (I'm not British), I saw red and said my first ever insult to him.

In the past, we've never sworn at each other, never called each other names, nor have we ever hurled insults.

Until he told me to 'Piss Off then' and he kicked at a stool, that was near me. I was sat down on a dining chair as was he. After he kicked it, he got up loomed over me and shoved me on the shoulder, I told him take his hands of me as that's resolving nothing.
He did and went to sit back down and continued with his 'side', meanwhile I was in shock he had just done this (he's never laid a hand on me before) and was thinking 'This is over, no fucker lays a hand on me, but Wtf do I do now?' He suddenly was trying to excuse himself by saying I had driven him to it, I was winding him up. I was having none of it and said I was never responsible for his actions, which I stand by.

He tried to apologise the next day, but even that was pathetic 'I'm sorry I pushed you but you wound me up.'
I shrugged him off and said I don't want to hear it.

It's been a few days since and we've not discussed it. It's like it hasn't happened. Today he has gone to work but the usual routine is to kiss each other goodbye, which he did to DC then came to me to do it, I did but was it was so quick I just did it automatically but after I found myself a bit embarrassed I had.

But I'm still not comfortable with what happened. He wouldn't do it again I don't think, we don't argue often at all and the most part get on fine. The messy part is, I couldn't afford to divorce and stay in this area (SE). What do I do?

OP’s posts: |
AmaryllisNightAndDay Mon 26-Oct-20 12:37:19

and the most part get on fine

You can judge a man by what he does when you don't get on fine. And a relationship too. You didn't cover youself in glory digging at him about his age but he failed in quite spectacular style - racial insults and then physical threat and physical aggression. And he is blaming you for his part? Er no.

But I'm still not comfortable with what happened. He wouldn't do it again I don't think, we don't argue often at all and the most part get on fine. The messy part is, I couldn't afford to divorce and stay in this area (SE). What do I do?

Well no, you're not going to be comfortable with him any more. You are in a very uncomfortable place from now on. Because he wasn't horrified by his own behaviour. Instead he justified it, he said you caused it. So you can't trust him not to do it again. Sorry.

Physical safety is very important to me, more important than, say, living in the south east would be. But you need to get over your shock beofre you can make decisions.

You say he "wouldn't do it again" but does that mean you will have to be a little on eggshells around him? Or always having to be a little careful what you say to make sure that you always "get on" for fear of what will happen if you don't? He needs to take ownership of his own part in what happened and how serious it is. The question that needs to be answerered is, what will he do to make sure he never gets phsyical with you again? I suspect the answer is "nothing" as he has now decided it is your fault not his. So from now on you are at risk.

TwentyViginti Mon 26-Oct-20 12:43:02

'I'm sorry I pushed you but you wound me up

The classic 'apology' of abusers.

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