Feels like a big mess

[Scrambledjelly]

Hi. Not really sure how to start this but I don't know what to do. My relationship is abusive and not normal but he won't leave even though he says he will over and over as I make his skin crawl etc. He's always been a big drinker and usually only says shit like that (and worse) when he's pissed or hungover. Never any apologies but silent treatment like it's my punishment. When things are good they are really lovely and I'm happy. There are kids involved, youngest is 13. I feel like I'm such a mess at the moment, not working which is more fuel for his fire, and absolutely no confidence or self esteem. I do love him and care for him but I don't know what's normal anymore and it's doing my head in to be living with this constant cycle of ups and downs. One minute he's saying I love you and the next it's some horrible put down insult. He has a bit of a habit of smashing stuff up and then disappearing for 2/3 nights with absolutely no word about where he is or anything. Again for the few days after cos I'm fuming he totally blanks me. When I get upset he tells me that I'm being over sensitive etc etc. Is this normal cos I really don't know anymore. He can also be the kindest person I know so it's such a mess of what's right and wrong. Am i just overreacting and could this be my fault? I can be hot headed out of sheer frustration at the drinking and smoking etc. Thanks

[Whatsthefuss]

This isn’t normal. He has ground you down and that’s why it’s hard to see it clearly. You and the children deserve much better than this. Have a look at the Women’s Aid website - You don’t have to keep on living like this.

[Anordinarymum]

How can any of this be your fault ?

[rainbowninja]

Definitely not your fault, you deserve better and so do the kids, are you prepared to leave if he won't?

[Bilboard]

This is not normal. Abuse doesn't have to always be physical.
You need strength, you need supportive people around you, you need a well executed escape plan op.
By escape I don't mean for you to leave your home , I don't know your personal circunstances so,
As above msg, contact Women's aid. They ll be able to give advice on your rights, what help you can access, what next etc

[ulanbatorismynextstop]

Can you get the police involved for his coercive control behaviour? You can get him arrested you know. Do you have a mortgage together? Rent together?

[Scrambledjelly]

Thank you for your replies. I will look at Womens Aid. I sometimes feel that I'm the problem and that I'm losing the plot and going a bit mad. I've taken ADs for years plus a host of other tablets and with menopause and the recent death of my dad, I do feel like I'm at breaking point. The worrying thing is is that our 13yr old is starting to copy his dad saying things like "mum doesn't have a job she just sits at home and drinks coffee all day'. Obvs I have told him not acceptable. I need to turn my life around and get some confidence. I see jobs I like and just worry that I'm too thick for them and that I won't be able to do it. My weight is just going up and up and however much I diet it just won't budge but that doesn't help as I get told about my fat arse and gut. I feel disloyal writing all this but I'm screaming inside and can't see an end to this good and bad cycle that's been like this for years and years. It's become a sick way of life.

[ulanbatorismynextstop]

Your daughter is learning to be abusive, this will be a theme in her future romantic relationships. No point dieting, you need to fix the reason you're unhappy, until you do that you will continue to self sabotage your efforts in losing weight. Get out if the relationship, go for jobs, forget about self doubt, once you start working you can build your confidence up and try for better jobs later.

[ulanbatorismynextstop]

Sorry son not daughter