Husband undermines me

[gigi556]

I AM FUMING.

DH and I have a 3 year old DS. Husband has terrible insomnia (for some context). DS woke up at 5:30 before Gro clock turns yellow at 6:30. He comes in our bedroom. I ask if he needs the toilet and I walk him back to the hall to take to toilet and then bed. DS is grouchy and upset. He asks where daddy is. DH swoops in from upstairs spare room where he often retreats to in the middle of the night as he has trouble sleeping. I was dealing with it but ok fine... I go back to bed. DH takes son up to spare room to sleep with him. I'm fuming. DS consistently early riser. Have been working on Gro clock and getting to stay in his room until it says it's time. DH constantly struggles with saying no. Constantly gives in to DS demands. I'm fed up. I don't know why DH acts like a grandparent rather than a parent. Why can't he just give a consistent message when we agree on a set of rules. I'm so sick of discussing it with him. Am I unreasonable to feel it disrespects me? Like all the work I put in doesn't matter? DS has always favoured his dad and always turns to him to see if he gets a different response. I'm at my wits end! I'm not sure if I need advice or just a fucking hug. Will be discussing with husband shortly when he comes downstairs.

DH is lovely man btw and very involved loving dad but co-parenting with him has been really challenging as we differ in our styles...

[safeordangerous]

I can understand a bit of the frustration but it sounds like you are blowing this a bit out of proportion.
Can you talk to DH.

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like this isn't the only time he's done this. I would find it really undermining and annoying as well.

[gigi556]

I have spoken to DH. It may sound out of proportion... but it's not really a one off. He consistently fails to follow through with rules. The sleep thing has been a huge issue for the last 3 years. It impacts the whole family. My son tells me he doesn't have to do things and then turns to his dad to get the response he wants... I'm angry but also kind of tearful.

I have spoken to my husband. He said sorry. He said he gets it. I'm just not convinced his behavior will change and I'm still upset. 😢

[Potterpotterpotter]

If your husband is already up why can’t your DS just get up with him? You are over reacting.

[LemonTT]

One explanation is that he doesn’t agree with the rules and the parenting approach you are adopting. He might say he does but his behaviour suggests otherwise. If this goes unacknowledged by both of you then it is going to be constantly frustrating.

Basically the most common reason for rule breaking is a lack of belief in them as being necessary or effective. And some people have an inbuilt resistance to any form of constriction on their choice. See all things Covid related.

[gigi556]

Yes, he says he agrees. I do wonder if he doesn't agree. I think he's got issues around being the bad guy or just enforcing anything. I've had to call him out on his language with our son in that he often says things like "mummy says you need to do xyz" rather than just saying "you need to do xyz" and it's not ridiculous things. It's just mundane like getting dressed, teeth brushing etc.

So the impact is an hour later when it's time to get up. I asked DS to get dressed and make his bed first and DS shouts at me, says "no" and turns to his dad to see if he actually has to do what I've asked. Then his dad says, "mummy says we need to do xyz" and reinforces me being the bad cop. I'm so sick of it.

[gigi556]

Just to add, we discuss what the rules and routine will be together and I do compromise on stuff and DH does have equal input.

[RandomMess]

I would book joint family and if he doesn't change I would actually end the marriage tbh.

[Shoxfordian]

Its really unhelpful and your son needs real boundaries not one parent telling him to do something and the other saying he doesn't have to. Tell your husband he needs to stop making you the bad guy and start parenting properly

[LemonTT]

@gigi556

Just to add, we discuss what the rules and routine will be together and I do compromise on stuff and DH does have equal input.

I expected this would be the case. But my point is that his behaviour says something else. On some level he either doesn’t like rules in general or the type of rules you are agreeing on. Or that he thinks it’s a good rule but that it doesn’t need to be applied 100% of the time.

If you think that he has some sinister intent to deliberately make you look rigid and controlling then that is a whole different ballgame.

[Angelina82]

I feel sorry for your husband. He probably thinks he was helping (he was) and you know your son is his child too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[gigi556]

@LemonTT no I don't think it's deliberate. He said this morning, he thought he was helping me by taking over...

[WitchWife]

Your husband sounds anxious and insecure. Does he think if he tells DS to do things he won’t be loved? Or won’t be the favourite? Did he have a very restrictive or unkind parent?
Honestly this sounds annoying as hell and he needs to work on his issues. Does he realise what kind of kid his son is going to become if he doesn’t?

[slipperywhensparticus]

send your son up to him every morning to deal with if he says no to getting dressed tell him fine go to school naked says no to making his bed? Before daddy can cut in with mommy says bollocks say fine daddy can do it no brushing teeth? Eww well if you want stinky manky teeth carry on

Its nasty my now ex husband does this mummy says you need to do your spellings/eat food etc now we don't want to make mummy ANGRY do we (despite my online ranting im actually very calm in real life 😅)

[Thisisnotnormal69]

What a wet blanket. He needs to get a grip on himself and be a proper parent. Sorry not sure how to resolve - suggesting a parenting course?

[Isitsixoclockalready]

It may not be that OP's DH disagrees with the routine but (and I don't mean this in an offensive way) but is maybe just being a give in. It's not necessarily a conscious desire to undermine but he's just being a soft touch. Sometimes it's not what the child wants but what they need. The husband is giving the son what he wants but OP is giving him what he needs.