I apologise if this post is long but I just wanted to know other people’s thoughts on some issues regarding domestic abuse/relationship problems and it won’t make sense if I don’t explain it in some detail.
To give you some background I met my future husband when I was 17 and he was 32. I left home at 18 to go to university and ended up living much closer to him at this time. We married when I was 21. He had difficult religious beliefs which included him enforcing that he was the head within the marriage and also that I should limit my contact with people who didn’t share his beliefs, including my parents. I was very isolated and had no meaningful contact with my family and had no friends apart from my husband and his friends, who had very unconventional religious beliefs. We had our first child 6 years after we married and then 2 more children by the time my eldest was 6. I work part time in a highly regarded profession and he was a cleaner who worked part time but has now been unemployed for the last 2 years. I have always been the main breadwinner. He had always been prone to angry outbursts since even before we were married and regularly threatened to leave me. I am very non-confrontational and had a strict religious upbringing and literally never argued back and did everything to appease him always, especially when he was angry and always remained calm even in the worst of situations. He would swear and shout at me and throw things at the walls and punch things frequently but never hit me. He was highly critical of me and everyone else and felt he had some special religious calling. He would be thrown into a rage by the slightest criticism from someone else, I made sure I never criticised him in any way to avoid this and any opinions contrary to his were met with such anger. These outbursts became much worse after our second child was born and he became violent to our 2 year old toddler then and frequently smacked her in anger and rage claiming he needed to break her will and also directed his anger verbally towards me. Our life was a living hell. I had no friends during this time and no one to confide in and lived in total isolation whilst also working at a very emotionally demanding job. Things eased somewhat after about 2 years and we had our third child. Around the time our third child was 2 we started to attend a local church which was very friendly and there were other families there too. I started to make friends for the first time in my adult life (by now in my mid thirties). I attended a toddler group (which I had never done before) at the church with our third child and attended other meetings with my children. At this point my eldest was 8 and I had never been able to leave my children with him to do something for myself since she was born as he refused to look after them and said it was a mother’s work to care for the children. His anger began to escalate greatly at this time and he insisted that this church didn’t believe what he believed (its a very mainstream ordinary church) and that we needed to leave. I felt this was my last chance for some sort of normality in my life with the friends I had met there and in absolute desperation confided in the minister and his wife everything that had happened over many years. They immediately saw how abusive my marriage was and helped me to see this and have spent literally hours listening to me, and continue to do so, with me telling them my story while they built up a support network for me of friends I could confide in and who constantly made contact with me and cared for me. Around this time, when my husbands anger was escalating, his verbal abuse worsened and he would constantly threaten to leave me and tell the children I was a useless wife and mother and that he wished he had never married me and did everything to try and stop me meeting with these friends and even drove aggressively past church as I went into toddler group etc. It became an absolute horrendous existence for my children and myself. At this time he started to become much more sexually demanding. We had never had any sexual issues prior to this point although there could be a couple of weeks or so in between each time we were intimate but there had never been a suggestion that he was unhappy with this. It just had never seemed an issue before. He would become angry if I wasn’t enthusiastic about having sex and I would often be exhausted from working and caring for three children. If I didn’t want to have sex he would storm off downstairs to sleep on the sofa. I would lie in bed feeling guilty and would stay awake and eventually give in and have sex with him just so I could get some sleep and to take the guilt away, it would often be 1am or 2 am by this time. If I didn’t give in I would be subjected to significant verbal abuse the next day and the children would suffer terribly by being smacked and shouted at. I would always give in then that night as I couldn’t bear the turmoil in the house any more and having sex caused his mood to improve for around 24 hours before it would start again. Due to his religious beliefs he believed I had given my body to him when we married and that I was disobedient to God to refuse him and I genuinely believed him and wanted to do what was right. I had to switch off to get through sex and not think about what was happening to me as due to the way he had treated me for so long I felt his touch and any contact with him to be utterly repulsive. There was never any non-sexual affection during the day and I avoided being anywhere near him as it always led to him wanting sex. He blamed me for his anger and said it was because I wasn’t willing to have sex with him when he wanted and told me I was a weirdo and not like other women. This escalated to me giving into sex about once or twice per week and it felt like I was being tortured. I literally dreaded my children going to sleep at night or having a day off work. Not only did I have to have sex with him but he insisted I enjoy it which is difficult to act when you’ve mentally detached to get through it. I detested every touch of his. I had sex with him just so I could have coffee with a church friend or attend a church meeting and to ease his vile behaviour for a short time to us all. I felt my children were suffering because of me. He reluctantly still attended church with me during this time. I felt so certain that all our marital problems were due to my lack of sexual desire for him and that is also what he constantly told me and I felt it was totally my fault so I couldn’t see any way out of this problem. It was so hard to confide in my pastor and his wife about this area of our relationship but after about 18 months of talking to them I did. Around this time his anger was so great he was leaving hand prints on the children when he smacked them in anger and I confided about this to my friend and she said if I didn’t leave she’d report him to social services. Amazingly I somehow managed to make him leave when he once again threatened to leave me and for the first time ever I told him to actually go. This was now a few months ago. My pastor says that I was repeatedly raped by him. I suppose that may be the correct term as I only acquiesced to sex with him to help reduce his severe anger to me and the children and to be able to do normal things like meeting a friend. I absolutely would never have had sex with him ever again if I hadn’t felt I had too. I am still struggling at times to know if all our relationship problems were due to my lack of willingness to have sex with him and I still feel guilt about this and also feel really traumatised as this went on for at least a couple of years before he left. I just had lost all respect and anything even remotely like love for him by this point in time and just couldn’t respond to him sexually other than by being psychologically forced and switching off. I can’t seem to find any resources regarding this specific problem of marital sexual abuse (if this is what it was). My pastor thinks I should divorce him. I’ve had support from Women’s Aid which has been helpful. I just want to do everything to help my children recover now and be happy. He still sees the children 5 days a week at my house but doesn’t stay at night (2 of the days I work a full day) and he hasn’t tried to have any sexual contact with me since he moved out. He is now much kinder to the children and never smacks them and only rarely shouts at them but continues to try and force his religious views on me sometimes and will be abusive at times to me when he gets angry which is usually witnessed by the children. My children watching him treat me the way he has has affected their relationship with me, especially the older two and I’m working hard to repair this. (Ideally he wouldn’t be coming to the house anymore but it is sort of working at the moment and I’ve had to work during lockdown with the children off school). My church friends are like my family and are wonderful and continue to support me hugely. I mainly wanted to know people’s thoughts on whether this appears to have been rape/sexual abuse. I have only really written about the tip of the iceberg in the post in terms of what has happened over 20 years. I’m also just coming to terms now with the fact that I’ve been in an abusive relationship for so long without realising it.
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Was this marital sexual abuse/rape.
14 replies
wcl4110 · 05/09/2020 01:21
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