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Handling rejection(4 Posts)
Its been a rough couple of years and having taken stock over the last few weeks I realise a lot of my low self esteem relates to my feeling frequently rejected.
In Jan 2018, my ex husband and I separated because he had an affair (which produced a child) and although he didnt want us to split, for me there was no option so I had my first major experience of rejection from him. He rejected me in the worst possible way by having an affair with someone else.
Next there was a year long relationship with a nice guy. It was too soon after my divorce. He was great at the start, then in Oct 2019 he seemed to change overnight after around 9/10 months together and for the last couple of months our relationship was essentially him taking the piss out of me and making it clear he didnt even like me. I thought things might get better. They didnt, and he left me. Rejection 2.
I started to date another guy after that (Dec 2019) just briefly. We had a handful of dates, slept together twice and then he disappeared. Rejection 3. Recently he split with his gf and started messaging me again but I've ignored them as I feel that if he didnt want me back then, I dont want to be anyone back up choice.
I stayed alone throughout lockdown then in July 2020 went on a soc/dist date. He was nice, enthusiastic, asked to see me again then just disappeared off the face of the earth. Rejection 4.
In Aug I went to a friends bbq. I hadn't drunk any alcohol during lockdown so got drunk very quickly and embarrassed myself in front of a guy I found attractive. It's taken me a good few weeks to move on from the mortifying behaviour. I dont remember a lot of the night but my friend told me "he kept having to say no to you". That makes me feel physically sick. If that was the other way round and our genders were reversed that would be seen as predatory. I am so embarrassed by my behaviour and not surprised by yet another rejection.
I dont know how to move on from these feelings of rejection to find some self worth and stop coming across as so desperate. The truth is I DO want a partner and I am looking for one but feel as though that comes across as so eager. I really hate myself at the minute.
Sometimes things end or don't work out for a reason. Other times people are shits. I think you have to reframe how you view things.
I've recently had a man I was seeing stop messaging me. Truthfully, he wasn't right for me. Was fun whilst it lasted. I'm now talking to someone who seems like a much better match. We'll get to know each other and see where it leads, if at all.
I have also gone out with guys who I've ended things with because they weren't right for me. Nice guys and we had a nice time but it couldn't last because of various reasons and you can't force feelings or compatibility.
And I hear you on the getting drunk and saying and doing stupid things - many of us have been there. Don't worry about it.
A lot of times what you call rejection is actually just a mismatch. Reframe this "rejection" in yor mind. Assess people, don't put them on pedestals. A lot of women go on dates to "be chosen" rather than choose. Look at what your criteria for a long term partner is. Ask them questions.
And go on more dates, most of us have not five but 50 rejections under our belt, not such a big deal!
Therapy may not be such a bad idea either
Try and look at rejection as redirection