Am I doing the right thing?

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I've split up with my husband, I dont know if I've made the right decision and I'm SO miserable that I just need to get it out.

Weve been married 3 years, I have DD11, he has DSD10 and DSS5, we have DD2 together and I'm 3 months pregnant. Weve been best friends since we were teenagers and a couple for about 5 years. Blended families are never easy and weve had ups and downs but been so happy together, loved each other so much and been a team.

When our little DD was tiny DHs dad died and this started a spiral of depression and heavy drinking, he then lost his job and his car and it all just got worse. I tried so hard to help him but when he became aggressive towards me a couple of times when very drunk (shouting, punching the wall, put a window through) I asked him to move out. The final time the kids were upstairs asleep and he could quite easily have woke them and traumatised them. At first after we split he was very self destructive- drank more, wasnt eating and was suicidal, but we worked through things, he got better bit by bit and stopped drinking and after 6 months moved back in. Everything was great, we were happier than ever and I think appreciated each other and our family more.

Over lockdown he lost his job and struggled to find another. My anxiety was awful for a while at the beginning and I was drinking to self medicate, maybe a glass of wine 3 or 4 nights a week, and this was a way in for him to start drinking again, very slowly but somehow he ended up back to drinking every single day. It was almost like a holiday at first and we got on great, but over the last month his old stress and grumpiness has come back. Weve burned through every penny of our savings, hes in a badly paid job that he hates and then I discovered I was pregnant. He was happy when we found out but his stress levels went up up up and soon he was snapping at me all the time again, so I'm constantly on edge. He was drinking from late morning most days. Last week it came to a head when he barked at me in front of the older girls, really shouted, for no reason other than he was hungover. I was furious and told him he could move back to his mums until he had himself under control. I packed his stuff and threw it outside. In my fury at the time I thought that the girls needed to see that you NEVER let a man shout at you like that. It was quite an extreme reaction tbh, I think it was a fight or flight sort of response because he scared me.

Its been a week and I miss him horribly. He is very very hurt and says that I've just given up on him, knowing how hard he found it last time we were apart, and how hard he worked to fix things. He's genuinly sorry for shouting but seems to think it was one incident that I went nuclear over whereas I'm seeing it as a build up of 100 tiny snaps over the last few weeks. I own the house outright (inheritance) and he says I've made it clear it will always be my home not his. Hes taken a new job miles away and is leaving next week. I feel absolutely sick with how much I miss him, and part of me thinks that will pass and I've done the right thing- I cant have my girls growing up seeing a man shout and scream at me or even just the constant snappiness. The other part thinks that I love this man, he's looked after us all for years, been my best friend and my support through everything, he's struggling and needs support and I've just chucked him out on his ear to potentially sink into a horrible depression again. When his mental health is good he is honestly the perfect husband and father, and Im not perfect, I've had MH issues myself. I'm terrified that thats it, he wont want to fix things this time and we will end up divorced. The idea of the rest of my life without him makes me feel sick.

Thank you to anyone who got through that and has any advice at all, I feel better just writing it all down

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You’re doing the right thing.

He’s an alcoholic, his anger is out of control, he’s violent and aggressive. He scares you. He’ll scare your children.

His mental health is his responsibility. You can’t fix him. You owe it to your children to give them a safe, stable, peaceful home. You owe it to yourself to live free of violence and aggression.

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Thank you, I need to keep telling myself that. I miss him so much it hurts, think about him constantly and when he comes to see the kids I end up sobbing in the toilet the whole time. The kids are miserable without him, everything just seems shit and I'm worried sick that he's going to end up killing himself. I've cried myself to sleep every night for a week. The thought of this being permanent is overwhelming, especially once the babys born and I'm a single mum of 3, 2 of whom will be breastfeeding. I cant bear the idea of the rest of my life without him

[Hellokitty82]

@ShinyGreenElephant
Have you thought about giving your health visiting team or local children's centre a call? Get some advice and support? I've used them in the past they were really helpful 💐

[litterbird]

Sorry you are feeling so awful. Looking at the age of his daughter from a previous relationship she is 5 and you have been married 3 years....what happened to the previous relationship for it to be over when the child was so young. It seems like history repeating itself? Did he have all these issues in the previous relationship? Some times finding these things out make it less of a burden when you split because he may have a history of this behaviour. It isn't your fault, he chose to drink, he chose to shout and he chose to put alcohol above your relationship. It will get better and you did do the best thing. The marriage is toxic and he can and will survive and so will you. Both of you should get some therapy, him for his grief over his dad and you to try and help with the anxiety of becoming a single parent now. You are strong and you will get through this.

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Thank you for your replies, @hellokitty82 I'm going to speak to my midwife on Tuesday and ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health team, hopefully they can help.

@litterbird DSS came from a ONS not long before we got together, by the time he found out about it his son was 6 months old and we had been together almost a year. It was a shock to say the least but there was no overlap and no wrongdoing- the mum just didn't know his surname to track him down. There was drink involved though so there is that.

Hes coming over to talk later, I'm going to suggest he takes the job, takes a couple of weeks to think and then we either look at rehab / aa or similar and therapy for him, on the basis we will live apart for the foreseeable future but still be a family, or if he isn't willing or doesn't feel able to give that 100% then we start divorce proceedings. I dont know how that's going to go but at least I have some kind of plan.