Nothing in common

[Sunflower14916]

Me and DH have been together just over 11 years. DS1 is nearly 10, so you can do the maths...

Since then we had twins (now nearly 5).

Before we got together I'd been in a 5 year relationship with someone else. I was thinking marriage/babies, and then he just turned round one day and declared he didn't love me any more.

2 weeks later I get together with DH on a night out (we had been friends 3 years prior to this), and after 7 months, just as I was about to end things due to us having nothing in common, I found out I was expecting DS1.

We STILL have nothing in common.

He has no interest in me, we have DTD twice in 5 years, he never asks about my day, can't be bothered with birthday presents, isn't that interested in the kids (I went away for a week with the kids to stay with family and not once did he ask how they were!).

The only thing we chat about his his work (we used to work together) but he has no interest in me or anything I do. He likes silence, I play lots of instruments and love music, I love reading, he hates books, he likes war films, I like girly films etc... NOTHING in common.

He even prefers his own company and when he comes in from work always goes straight to see the dogs rather than me and the kids.

I feel lost. I'm 40 and the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone who has so little interest in me is awful.

He is a "nice" person, but as far as he is concerned there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with our relationship because it's ideal for him! He likes doing his own thing!

What do I do?!?! I know staying put is what is best for the kids but is it feasible to spend the rest of my life like this?!?!

[category12]

I question whether staying put is automatically best for the kids - a disinterested, disengaged dad and unhappy mother? Is this the model of relationships you'd like them to recreate in their futures?

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Agree with the PP - and consider whether your DH is actually recreating his parents relationship?

What positives does he actually bring to you and the kids on a daily basis?

[SleepingStandingUp]

What do I do?!?! I know staying put is what is best for the kids but is it feasible to spend the rest of my life like this?!?!
If you leave will you have somewhere to go? Can you afford to house your kids and feed them if he refuses to contribute?

If so, they aren't better being taught that is ok to be miserable, it's ok to be ignored, it's ok to be happy as long as someone else is happy. And if you have girls esp that is ok for you to be unhappy so long as you make a man happy

[carreterra]

@Sunflower14916
I'm sorry that this is your life right now. Over 17 years ago, I was were you are now. The big 40 was looming, my DH was an alcoholic in denial, and he also had sleep apnoea, so when i came home from work, it was like coming home to an old man.
I met someone by chance at work who lovebombed me, & i left my DH for him, thinking i was in love with someone who appreciated me. We bought a house together after my divorce, now 17 years on we have separated, having to continue to live together until we sell the house. There have been issues over the years, he doesn't like my grandchildren in HIS house, as they are not his grandchildren, etc, & i blew up & told him it was over 3 months ago. Now, my XH has given drink up completely due to medication, and we are friends. The grass was not greener on the other side for me, no advice but to go with your convictions and your heart. You are still young, sending best wishes

[Opentooffers]

You married someone you had nothing in common with, who you were about to dump, then went on to have more children - I bet you've learnt a lot and wish you could tell your younger self a thing or two. You're looking forward now, something you probably didn't do when younger or you would of made other choices. Think of what would be realistic as good future, given the current ties and responsibilities you have and work out how to get there. It could be something as simple as filling your future home with music whenever you want, finally getting to find things you like doing, but don't daydream about finding the ideal man to save you, you only get the best men when you've worked on yourself and know what you're about. Ducks in a row then, good luck.

[Wondersense]

There is more to this than not having things in common.

Affection differences - greeting someone, looking at someone in the eyes, smiling, asking how they are etc

Personality differences - either he's checked out of the marriage, is happy with living with a friend, or he's a strong introvert. All of these things contribute towards you feeling lonely and uncared for.

Maybe you should gently have a conversation with him about the different expectations you seem to have of marriage, if you haven't had it already. He will either be relieved that you brought up the topic first, or he'll be flummoxed why you think there's anything wrong with this housemate style parenting relationship.

Do you have a satisfying sex life? Do you laugh together at all?

[fuandylp]

What I find helpful when faced with "what do I do" is to plan an alternative. It does not mean that you have to go through with that decision but the act of planning will help you to decide whether that really is what you want.
So if I were you, I would now do some theoretical planning about what a split might look like. Work out finances. Work out where you would live and what it would cost. Think about what custody arrangements might be in place. Think about how you would manage childcare if you were alone.
Think about what you want your life to look like in 5 years time, in 10 years time.

It doesn't sound like you want to spend the rest of your life with him so now is the time to do some "thought experiments" without committing to a decision yet.
FWIW, I think you need someone who will share your love of music. I am a musician and it's never worked for me with someone who doesn't also play something.

[Sunflower14916]

Some really good points to think about...

I honestly thought that I'd be OK spending my life with someone not that interested in me, but I now really miss having someone to talk to. My job (teacher) is very busy so not really time to chat much with people.

It's starting to feel like it's a basic human need having someone that actually takes an interest in you. If it wasn't for the kids, I would have walked a long time ago.

Sex life = twice in 5 years. I can live without sex (I think), but it is having someone to talk to in the evenings that I miss, or even having an opportunity to go out and catch up with friends which is tricky.

I work 3 days a week and do 95% of all housework and childcare.

If we split up then there is no way we can both afford a nice house. It's an expensive area. So the kids would lose out massively on what we could afford for them, which is not fair.

On the other hand, DH would have the kids a percentage of the time so have to become responsible for childcare, allowing me freedom which I rarely have. I could also have music playing and not live like I'm walking on eggshells, constantly having to stop just because he wants to watch tv.

It's a lot to think about. Half of me feels very selfish wanting to make myself happier because it does mean the kids will lose out on certain things.

[GreenRoadSigns]

The older I get, the more I realize how very much my childhood affected me.
Have a think about what you & your H's childhoods were like, that you have both been staying in a loveless marriage for years.
You're your children's most important role models. Bet you don't want them to end up like you are now... Have a think about what you would like their lives to be like. Which of your friends seem happy? How do they live? What are their relationships (marital, work, family, friends) like?

You've had excellent advice from PP, I'd just add that IME a bit of self insight can work wonders when it comes to not repeating mistakes.

[fuandylp]

On the other hand, DH would have the kids a percentage of the time so have to become responsible for childcare, allowing me freedom which I rarely have. I could also have music playing and not live like I'm walking on eggshells, constantly having to stop just because he wants to watch tv.

Irrespective of whether you ultimately decide to leave him or not, something needs to change now.
I think he should be caring for his OWN children on his OWN for one evening a week so that you can go and join a musical group.
Maybe that's where you should start - I know a lot of groups are not meeting at all because of Corona but this should definitely be something you look into doing in the near future when it is possible - or chamber music with like-minded people.
I've played in plenty of music groups over the years and countless people have had children and had a couple of years out when they were babies but then they've come back to the group when the children were two or three. And guess, what? The fathers were taking care of the children to make sure that their wives/partners were able to participate in something they love.
You being able to do music will make you happier - guaranteed!

You deserve happiness and your children need you to be happy too.
Start with one night a week for you, making music and if he won't step up and take responsibility to enable that then you have an answer there straightaway.
And if he does, you having that time out for you will help you to see whether changes like this in your life can make the marriage bearable or whether a complete split is what you need.

[Livandme]

I agree with pp, saying you need to have a night which is yours alone. You can enjoy this night, and he needs to step up to parent.
I think having a regular night out will help you feel calmer as you can relax and help you decide on your future