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Relationships

Wanting a baby

19 replies

yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 09:39

Hi all I hope your all doing ok 😊 I have name changed for this one. I have been with my fiancé coming up 10 years . I have one teenage son 16 from a previous relationship. My fiancé has no children . Up until two years ago he wasn't really fussed about having any children where as that that time I was . That's all I thought about . The tables have turned . I don't want any now at all and that's all he wants . He has said it a few times but he doesn't really say what he's feeling but I know that it is all he wants . We are early 30s have demanding jobs which are long hours but can be very flexible and he says he won't work no where near as much as he is if we do have one . I know this is awful but I have been taking my pill with out him knowing for the last few months because getting pregnant really scares me . I had such a hard time with my son . I was in hospital for a month nearly lost him . Had an awful birth , labour lasted 5 days and I had postnatal depression for a good two years after and I still don't think I'm back to normal now . I suffer with really bad anxiety . I feel so torn . Everyone deserves a chance at being a parent. I have been pregnant two years ago and I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks on Father's Day of all days and I think that killed him although he hasn't talked about it . I v have so many worries. I worry about having a baby and him leaving , him after all these years of just only having to worry about himself will find it really hard being a father , what if he thinks once a baby is here he has made a big mistake ? Also I'm so used to it just being me and him that what if I won't take well to having a baby ? Then I worry about him being an awful father and me being an awful mother. I think as I have got older and my son has practically grown up I love my life right now. With work our sex life has been not as good as usual so I'd say once every two weeks when I was on the pill . I have stopped taking it this last week and I feel it's as if he can sense something because he hasn't wanted it every single night ! And now I'm sat here having a breakdown thinking what if I'm pregnant and all these thoughts going on in my head . We are stable financially, own our own house got stable jobs so if it did happen then we are in a position but it's just me who isn't . I look at him sometimes and I actually feel sorry for him that he has ended up with someone like me . I feel like he deserves better because he's been asking me to go to the doctors lately thinking there might be something wrong as to why I'm not getting pregnant! Has someone been though this or is ?

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MikeUniformMike · 23/08/2020 09:43

Bin him for suggesting you may have a problem with your fertility.
It takes two to create a baby.

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MikeUniformMike · 23/08/2020 09:58

Sorry for the flippant post. You might benefit from looking into why you are anxious.
He seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you and there may be underlying issues that should be addressed before you bring another human being into your family.

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yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 10:02

Hi mike no need to apologise at all . Thankyou very much for your reply . I did actually say to him what makes you think that it is me with the problem? Then I felt like the worst person in the world because I am lying to him . I definitely need to arrange some sort of counselling about all this . Because when I did get pregnant two years ago I was like a totally different person . I was a bag of nerves

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millymollymoomoo · 23/08/2020 10:25

Have you two actually had a proper discussion about this, especially your anxieties?
Ultimately if you really don’t want more children you need to be honest with him rather than deceive him by keep taking the pill.
This can’t be solved without actually talking to each other

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Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 10:35

'I've decided i don't want a baby'. Just say it and get it over with. You don't even need to justify it.

I think your instincts are kicking in here and you suspect he will screw you over too.

Doesn't sound the healthiest of relationships when you can't even voice your own desires about what you want to do with your own body, without feeling like he will not be ok with it. His comments about your infertility (heaven forbid it could be him xD) also portray him as a bit of a narcissistic prick.

I think you're being smart not to get pregnant with him. But I think you should tell him no to a babyfir now and just see how he reacts. I wonder how he reacts to 'no' in general tbh.

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category12 · 23/08/2020 10:36

I think you should talk this out with a counsellor if possible.

If it's your anxieties getting in the way, but you would like a child, then you could maybe work through that.

If you don't want another child, then you can work through how to tell your partner that and to manage the fallout from that.

You shouldn't have a child if you don't want to.

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Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 10:39

And I'd be pretty damn anxious too if I didnt want a baby and my partner kept trying to get me preggers! Dunno how you can stand it. Would proper put me off sex.

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yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 11:03

Thankyou for all your replies . I have been off sex for a while but I thought it was down to the pill but even now I'm not in it when he's wanted it these last few days Iv literally been hoping it would be quick . I'm tempted to go get the morning after pill tomorrow because I'm just going to constantly worry and I need to have a clear head with work . Just before we bought our house I told him that I didn't want a baby anymore and he was pretty horrible. He said that we wernt going to buy a house now because that's a big commitment too . I feel so trapped

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PrincessPain · 23/08/2020 11:21

You both need to sit down and have a real conversation about everything.
Tell him your anxieties and worries, if you can't actually have a grown up discussion about something as important as bringing a baby into this world, you need to call it quits anyway.
Maybe you can work through this, maybe if you wanted a baby 2 years ago, but not now, it's because you don't want one with him anymore? Maybe the miscarriage was a lot to take and has changed your outlook? But whatever it is, there needs to be a discussion.
Are you worried he'll leave if you tell him you're on the pill?
Its your body, but if you can't work through this and ultimately want different things, things need to change or you need to split.

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Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 11:24

I don't know if the moring after pill might just mess with the hormones in your actual pill op. Just keep taking your normal pill at the right time.

He was horrible?
Well op that's it spelled out for you clear and simple: he isnt a nice person. Not only should you not have a baby with him, you should probably get away from him all together.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is controlling and only wants a baby in order to control you more. Please be careful he doesnt tamper with your birth control.

Think on it tho op:
He was horrible to you
You dont feel you can be truthful with him (because he would be horrible again)
He wants something different to you life wise
You are miserable with him
He comes accross as arrogant
You dont enjoy sex with him. Infact you dread it.
When he first get what he wants, he throws strops and threatens to take away what you want
You 'feel trapped'

I think you need to start thinking about leaving this horrible man. Because this isnt the relationship for you. Tbh, I dont think he sounds like the sort of person anyone with healthy self esteem would want to be with.

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yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 11:33

Bunny mummy reading everything you just wrote has blown me away . Everything you said is spot on with me and us really . It's crazy that I my mother even said to me about him wanting a baby might be to control me more . He is controlling and I have had to change a hell of a lot to he what he wants and expects. I used to be pretty wild 😂 well loved going out with the girls and just really who i was but now I don't go anywhere . It's mad because even tho he never tells me I can't do something . He will make little remarks and not always good . Like going out with that slag are you . Don't you dare get to drunk . Don't stay out after a certain time . That used to put me on edge that one time I got so drunk and he had to come get me 😭 I had a week of hell after that night . But that was 8 years ago . I then used to think it's not worth going out because he would just ignore me for the whole day after . Iv probably been out 8 times since I have been with him . God and I thought my life was pretty good . Actaully admitting and reading what I am feeling I would say it's pretty shit x

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Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 11:43

Its beyond shit op. Dude is clearly not right in the head. A narcissist or a sociopath or something.
They often don't need to tell you not to do things, they have ways of messing with your head so that you make the changes yourself.

Eg implying that you are a loose woman (eg: because 'your friend is a slut'... so by association...), disloyal, dont love them, are crazy. In order to get you to focus on your behaviour (instead of theirs) to PROVE your innocence, loyalty, love, sanity, goodness or whatever. But nothing is ever enough proof for them. Because they only care about controlling you so, they may not even think these things they are implying in the first place, but YOU have to think they do. Otherwise you'll stop looking inwards and start realising they are the problem.

You aren't the one with the problem. He is.
He is a predator.
And you are not a partner,you are his victim.

Please listen to your mum. She knows!
Speak with womens aid maybe?
And start planning an escape.

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yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 11:45

@PrincessPain

You both need to sit down and have a real conversation about everything.
Tell him your anxieties and worries, if you can't actually have a grown up discussion about something as important as bringing a baby into this world, you need to call it quits anyway.
Maybe you can work through this, maybe if you wanted a baby 2 years ago, but not now, it's because you don't want one with him anymore? Maybe the miscarriage was a lot to take and has changed your outlook? But whatever it is, there needs to be a discussion.
Are you worried he'll leave if you tell him you're on the pill?
Its your body, but if you can't work through this and ultimately want different things, things need to change or you need to split.

Hi 😊 I'm not scared of him leaving me if I tell him I have been on the pill but he will flip out and not speak to me for days.
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Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 11:52

I don't think sitting down and telling him you have been on the pill is a smart move. But I would tell him you don't want to try for a baby. If nothing else, to stop him from coming anywhere near you for a few days while he throws his wee 'stonewalling' huff.

(Though brace yourself for a torrent of horribleness first).

You are making the right decision not having a baby. Tbh apart from the house there is nothing tying you together! (Thank fuck) What's the house situation? Is it joint owned?

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yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 12:08

@Bunnymumy

Its beyond shit op. Dude is clearly not right in the head. A narcissist or a sociopath or something.
They often don't need to tell you not to do things, they have ways of messing with your head so that you make the changes yourself.

Eg implying that you are a loose woman (eg: because 'your friend is a slut'... so by association...), disloyal, dont love them, are crazy. In order to get you to focus on your behaviour (instead of theirs) to PROVE your innocence, loyalty, love, sanity, goodness or whatever. But nothing is ever enough proof for them. Because they only care about controlling you so, they may not even think these things they are implying in the first place, but YOU have to think they do. Otherwise you'll stop looking inwards and start realising they are the problem.

You aren't the one with the problem. He is.
He is a predator.
And you are not a partner,you are his victim.

Please listen to your mum. She knows!
Speak with womens aid maybe?
And start planning an escape.

I hope you don't mind me asking and I'm sorry infix one across as rude but I take it you have Been through something like this or know someone who has been ? It's just mad how everything you are saying is correct. I'm not going to lie these last 11 years together hasn't been easy . In actual fact he nearly made me have a breakdown years ago. The relation ship I was in before for ten years . That's my sons father . I met him when I was very young . I was 15 and he was 26 . At the time it was cool to be dating an older guy and me or my friends didn't think anything of it . Now I can see how wrong it was . He was really controlling. Physically and emotionally. He would cheat on me every time he had a chance . Would go out and lock me and out son in the house so we couldn't leave . I loved him so much tho . Stupid I know . I decided the only way to save our relationship was to move away . So we did and everything was perfect . We moved away for a year . He went back to the person I met . We wanted another baby . I got pregnant quick . Then my son started school and I thought he had changed enough for us to move back home . Big mistake . The 1st night that we did he went out . Promised me he would be home by 8 . I went to the pub he was in and said is he coming home . He was with all his friends and they were nagging me to let him stay out cause they hadn't seen him for ages . I agreed. Didn't see him until the next day . This was beginning of December . He said he stayed at a friends . I believed him . Then after an amazing Christmas Day he took our son to his parents in the evening . I was tidying up and I had a phone call
Off my best friend who said she had to tell me that he was actaully caught sleeping with someone that night . My friends boyfriend had walking in on them . So after that to then finding out he had given me a disease and then blaming it on me ! Even tho I had only slept with him was bit of a piss take . I think this is just what I'm used too . And maybe this is why I put up with what I'm putting up with but also why I'm petrified of letting my guard down and having a baby because I don't want to get hurt the way I have done ? I defo need counselling lol x
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Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 12:35

First guy I dated over the course of 6 years or so (if you can call never knowing where you stand with someone, 'dating') was a covert narcissist. Second one I lived with for a year and he was waaaaay worse. My gran was one and I believe that set me up for meeting these sorts from childhood onwards. I've met several in the workplace and had a couple as 'friends' over the years too.

I stumbled across the term 'npd' when I was about 22 after googling 'feel like he wants me to put him on a pedistal'. Because I had being seeing someone and felt like he really wanted me to like him...but didn't seem to like me all that much. And those were conflicting feelings. And I didnt understand why my instincts were telling me these two conflicting things.

Reading about npd, everything clicked into place for me. I realised I had been attracting these sorts. I still do - but now adays I can see them coming a mile off. Though I have been reading, blogging and ect on the area for nigh on a decade now.

Unfortunately there are a lot of these sorts about.

Basically (if I'm following) because you left him and then went back,he had to punish you for leaving in the first place. That's what his kind do. So of course he went straight out. With abusers,if you go back,they tend to be worse than before.

I think individual counciling might be helpful.

I totally recommend watching some youtube vloggers like melanie tonia Evans on npd. It helps to have another woman's experience of these sorts. Just make sure he doesnt see what you are watching.

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Bunnymumy · 23/08/2020 12:50

Oh and it isnt about letting your guard down btw, your instincts are screaming at you not to have a baby with this nutter. And they are right. But yoube got so used to denying your instincts over the years due to his mind games that you even think this common sense instinct ('dont have a baby with an abusive asshole!') is wrong somehow.

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Izzabellasasperella · 23/08/2020 15:19

Op when I read your first post I thought you needed to have a proper talk to him. I even felt a bit sorry for him.
Then I read your updates. Do not have a baby with this man! In fact I think you should leave him, this is not a good relationship.

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ALLIS0N · 23/08/2020 15:48

Op please listen to @Bunnymumy. You know she is speaking to you from the heart and from hard experience.

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