Time to break up?

[goforit99]

Things have been very different for my partner and I since we had a baby. She was a prem and we spent a few months in hospital. Since she has been home, I find that I cannot stand my partner, he gets on every inch of my nerves 70% of the time. I thought it was due to lack of sleep, new baby, PnD but, it's been ages and he still triggers me in certain situations. I don't know if I've lost respect for him? He works and I don't, but we both pay equal share of rent and everything is split in half, yet I make dinner every night for him and us, I clean, I look after baby all the time (a given of course, not complaining) and he comes home to be treated like a king. He complains that he is knackered from work or is tired and I just want to scream 'but you are not working for us, you are working to pay your half of the rent . He can't afford to pay more than his share and the promise of him looking after us haas never manifested. He did does things that get to me a lot of the times, constantly playing golf on his phone and if he loses he swears and punches the sofa, the health visitor popped round once and was talking to him and he said ' one minute whilst I take this shot of golf on my phone' , I found that so disrespectful and immature. I'm just fed up, I am not attracted to him anymore and if we were to ever work, a lot of things need to change. I loved cities last year with him and it won't be that easy for me to leave and move back, I just want to know if this is anywhere near normal or any tips on what I can do? We both care and love our baby more than anything and she is loved, I'm just tired of being in a loveless relationship.

[goforit99]

There is so much more I can write but I would spend a whole day typing. I feel confused and I don't know what to do.. I've never felt so angry towards someone in my life.. he just gets to me.. he could help out and tidy up a bit without me asking, "his side of the room" is messy, he just chucks his clothes whilst I tidy up everyday, I just want a relationship and I don't feel this is it, he's doesn't have enough money so he says and this makes me feel like I can ever imagine a future together. I have plans to buy my own home etc and he always talks about that but I can't ever imagine him being capable of affording a mortgage etc... here I am rambling on.. anyway.

[PurpleIsTheColour]

Hi OP,
He doesn’t sound very committed to your partnership and it looks like a typical example of the man that becomes a father but very little changes in his life-he still expects his wife to do all house work, cooking etc and look after a him and baby at the same time. He sounds very selfish and lazy.
Is there a reason why he never has money-if you’re on mat leave and use that to pay half of your share of rent and bills it’s not really fair because your disposable income would be much lower. Is he in a very badly paid job? The way you talk about him not having money sounds pretty negative so it looks to me like your frustration must have been building up for a while and with the hormones after giving birth things are coming out on the surface. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel and what annoys you in his behaviour?

[goforit99]

@PurpleIsTheColour I would not mind being "that wife", if he could look after us financially, that is what he told me whilst I was pregnant, you stay home and look after baby and I'll work to look after all of us, I thought that wouldn't be bad since we have a man looking after his family but this never manifested.

Re his job, it's commission based and he is good at what he does but he was furloughed for a while and has just got back into the swing of this. Yes I am on mat support however it's more than what he earns as a basic. To be honest with you I don't even know what I am complaining about anymore, there is far too much! I love him for being my daughters father but I don't love him, does that make sense? The frustration has been building up for a very long time. Before moving cities last year (before baby), I bought a new car, had savings etc, we ended up moving to a small town where his family loved and I couldn't find a job and had to use the majority of my savings to pay my bills etc without work! He wasn't working for ages whilst we were there (4 months probably) I saw a different side to him. I then decided to move first to a new city which was our initial plan, he followed but I paid the deposit for the rental property as he couldn't afford anything! I bought the majority of the furniture and I was working straight away whilst he was out selling crap with his friend for some cash in hand, when I got pregnant, that's when he got a "decent" job and started earning money, although not enough he did try,I'm not knocking his effort for getting a job just that he doesn't earn enough or have enough after he pays his half of the rent, electricity etc and it makes enjoying things or looking forward to the future hard because it looks like I will have to pay for going out or purchasing a car (which we need for baby )

[anonnnnni]

What do you need, OP? What conclusion are you trying to reach? You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave a relationship that’s gone sour.

[goforit99]

@anonnnnni I honestly don't know what I want! We have a baby, I want to know if there is anything that can be done, if these type of issues are normal or if anyone who has gone through it could shed some light? I don't want my decision to separate to be without deep thinking as we have our baby to think about and I don't want to be selfish, however, do I stay in a relationship that has gone sour for the sake of our baby?

[Wondersense]

What do you think he would feel if you suggested a split? I can't imagine he'll like it because if he's really bad he'll miss you cooking & cleaning for him. How would he feel about it emotionally? Do you think he even loves you?

[MadeForThis]

Only paying half the bills isn't really the issue.

He doesn't support you.

He expects you to look after him too.

You have enough on your plate with a new baby.

[goforit99]

@Wondersense I've asked him to move out a lot and we argue a lot, only recently we have "tried" to sort the relationship out. He just infuriates me with just being there, I think I've lost respect for him and it has been building up! I spoke to a psychologist (I'm still under their care from when my baby was In hospital) and she said hormones are still playing a part as I'm still breastfeeding! I've told him I don't love him, he says he knows and feels that I hate him! I don't think he loves me. He doesn't want to break up and to be honest I think it's more so because he won't have anywhere to move to? Also he will miss seeing our daughter BUT I have made it clear that I will never stop him from seeing her so he is welcome to see her.

[goforit99]

@MadeForThis this is what I think too but the guilt kicks in and I keep telling myself that he supports me by paying half, is he meant to be more supportive? Sorry, I'm in such a state of confusion that I'm losing it.

[Wondersense]

Your psychologist has a point. I've read a few times on these forums about who have pregnant or have a baby who go from being ok with their husbands to absolutely not being able to stand them. Some of them feel sick at their husband's smell, some of them can't stand to be physically near them. It might have no basis in your case but there is a theory that certain hormones make anyone who is not your family member seem repellent. I've mostly heard of it pregnant women but it's worth looking into anyway.

Other than that, there are good reasons here for you to feel frustrated. You need to see him step up to the plate financially. You need him take more of an interest and not acting like a disinterested dick when the healthworkers come around. I'd be really embarrassed by that too. There might be quite a gap between two in maturity levels. Maybe you are the one who should be working whilst he stays at home with the baby?

[goforit99]

@Wondersense I will have a look at the hormones and impact they have as I do believe they are playing a huge part, this anger and resentment that I am harbouring is not like me so I'm sure there is something up!

I agree re the maturity levels, he is older but less mature for sure.
Our baby is 4 months old so still a while till I can go back to work, I'm trying to see if we can hold out till then with the relationship.

Thank you so much for responding.

[MadeForThis]

Paying half the rent isn't supporting you, it's paying for a roof over his own head.

He needs to be both a supportive partner and a father.

[goforit99]

@MadeForThis thank you! I've lowered my standards a lot due to being vulnerable during moving cities, pregnancy and premature birth! I feel I'm settling for less than what I deserve because I'm afraid of being alone and starting again, with a baby so I'm just agreeing and going with what he does and says! I do want to be treated a bit, to not feel like I am the man of the house( I say this because I earn more money than him even though I'm on maternity, I have savings and am capable of paying for the rent and bills without his half). Am I being to money obsessed?

[GoNucksFiven]

Hi OP. Agree with PP. You need to take a look at your possible hormone issues etc. Your decision needs to be measured.

That said, I'm 8 years into a relationship with 2 DC and my "DP" has behaved like a dick for years. He's trying really hard now but I'm fairly sure the love has gone. I'm currently stuck and it's godawful.

So consider your hormones etc, but if you still feel afterwards that you don't love him then no, it is not worth staying for the sake of your DC.

You will find yourself more entangled in the relationship and it will be harder to get out of it later on.

Staying for the sake of DC rarely works.

[goforit99]

@GoNucksFiven thank you! I am looking into the hormones issue, I want to make sure that I check all other variables before making any permanent decisions!
I'm sorry to hear about your experience and if you don't mind me saying, I don't want to be that deep into a relationship before I make a decision to leave, I hope you can find your best path for your sake too 💕.

I do hold a lot of resentment towards him and it was there before I got pregnant, so I'm sure it's also to do with his standards and mine, we just clash, I want someone who will lift me up and I will do the same, I just feel like I'm plodding along and agreeing and settling for the sake of being comfortable rather than standing up for myself! It really is a loveless relationship, we haven't hugged or kissed since our daughter was born in February and sex, well what does that word even mean, absolutely nothing! I want to see progress, I want to see him try and push harder and not accept low standards for himself but he isn't built like that! I am a go getter and as soon as I can will go back to work and continue rising.

[goforit99]

@GoNucksFiven just to add re why we clash, he is the type of person to argue with people on Facebook and gets banned from Facebook .. I mean what nature adult does that? First thing he does is check his phone as soon as he wakes up! I'm sorry for rambling on but it's becoming pretty clear to me that I don't want to be with him! I'm just scared to be alone with a baby in a city that's not my home, my friends and mother are a couple of hours driving but to leave the home I settled in to and move back with a new baby during a pandemic is a really scary thought! I'm scared of doing this alone and that fear is keeping me here.

[GoNucksFiven]

@goforit99 Sorry I didn't respond to your @

If the problems were there pre-pregnancy then it may well be time to get your ducks in a row. Ours were and I should have run then.

I'm trying to find a way forward but it's very difficult, also very outting so will leave that there.

As for sex and intimacy I empathise.

The bottom line is that if the relationship isn't fulfilling your needs, it won't fulfill your DC's either.

[MadeForThis]

You don't need to rush into any decisions but ultimately you deserve to be happy.