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Lonely and sad some kind words please

(19 Posts)
Sunnyday1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 09:31:53

So my ex finished our 5 year relationship about a month ago, he wanted to stay here living as friends but I quickly realised this would not work so asked him to leave. He was surprised said he thought I was going to come up with a solution. I Think he hoping I would beg him not to go.
I have no idea where he is, have had a couple of messages about money, he thinks some money has been paid into my account for him but is not there. I have asked to pick up the rest of his stuff but he is dragging his heels.
Trouble is I am in a foreign country, dont know a soul as only moved here 6 month ago and due to lockdown. I feel tonally lost and lonely I did not expect to move to a foreign country to be dumped. Moving back to the UK is not an option atm. So need to dig deep and get through this.
Just wanted to vent I guess. I am doing the right things joining local social media groups but the days drag by.
My friends all say I am better of without him they all think he is horrible human being in the way he treated me I have also starting finding out some disturbing things in his past. Since the split people have started comeing forward with information. Sorry for the long post but any wise words much appreciated.

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ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 09:42:42

Sounds like you have done the right thing. Probably best if you tell him he needs to pick up his stuff by X date or you are going to give it to charity/post it to his parents, depending on how much there is. Then block him and work on your own life without wondering about your ex.

Where are you roughly? Have you joined expat/international sites? They are full of people in the same situation. Are you planning to go back?

Sunnyday1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 09:49:15

We are in France and yes joined a few groups there. All I seem to are men hitting on me, wanting to be "friends".

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ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 11:16:43

I know that from the younger international groups - though if they have any proper meetups you might find that they attract more normal people. I'd reccomend not posting an attractive picture or saying that you are looking for friends smile Maybe look for all-female groups such as "Girl Gone International", or hiking groups or similar? Local "Anglo-French" type institutions are usually also more serious and do table ronde things in normal circumstances. You could also try either giving (paid) English conversation lessons or doing free "tandem" meets (again, with women if preferred) where you speak half the time in French and half in the other language. Gives you something to do that's quite social, and you might find you get on. Maybe also offer to do dog walking or something if the evenings are long!
If you have a spare room, you could consider creating a flat/house share.

Sunnyday1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 11:40:04

raven thanks for the idea. I am def no younger group. I am in my early 50's. I have joined lots of groups and starting to speak with a few people.. big problem is the house is in a very rural location. I miss home, miss my family. I hate him for putting me in this situation

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation Wed 05-Aug-20 11:46:57

That sounds pretty shit OP, sorry. But definitely sounds like you've dodged a bullet with the ex.

Regarding his stuff, I'd just say to him "Please collect your belongings by 31st August. After that date I'll be throwing them away." The money, if I've understood correctly, he's expecting someone to put money into YOUR account which he then wants you to send to him? I'd just say "I haven't received anything so you need to contact them directly and ask them to send you a cheque or bank deposit to your own account."

Do you want to remain in France long term? Are you working? If so I'd try to socialise lots with colleagues, or join local networking events if you're self employed.

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 12:20:30

Is it anywhere nice? Could you rent it out or put it on airbnb and then use the money to live somewhere else?

Sunnyday1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 12:26:57

To answer questions I am self employed but due to pandemic not working atm. Probably makes it worse. I am trying to build contacts but not easy. Yes in a lovely area , my small house needs finishing. He was supposed to be doing the work and left me in a total mess. Money yes he did not have a bank account so used mine but people have not paid. On top of the emotional stuff having alot to contend with .its horrible

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ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 12:31:19

Some people are being a bit slow to pay at the moment.
So has he been leaving you to be the adult, and not even bothering to do things like get a bank account? He's not paying social security contributions then, if he doesn't have one? Sounds like you'll be better off without him in the long term?

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 12:34:03

If you know who it is that's meant to be paying, I'd contact them in a letter with proof of delivery and tell them they can't use your bank account, and to contact your ex for further details. If they do accidentally pay it to you, you can then just reject the payment online and send your ex a screenshot or whatever.

Meadow1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 13:07:23

I have tried to be civilised. He is being vague about picking his stuff up. Even his text sound arrogant. Because he owes so much money was reluctant to have a bank account as French can go into your account.

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 14:14:26

Sounds pretty dodgy tbh. Would he even be covered by health insurance during Covid, if he hasn't got French health insurance? After 6 months surely he should have signed up? Good that you didn't share an account, at least. Nothing uncivilised about setting a clear deadline by which he has to get his stuff.

Meadow1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:37:30

He has lived in France for 18 years, no bank account , huge debts, everybody thought that he just used me to buy a place so he would live rent free and to isolate me from my family and friends. Seems they are rigth.

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 16:44:21

Wow. Either he has actually got an account and is lying, or he's avoiding the (mandatory) social security contributions etc. Whichever it is, you have done well to chuck him out. Hope you do not have his name on any of the paperwork? Sure, your friends were right, but it's not worth dwelling on something you can't change. Sometimes it's clearer from a distance.

Meadow1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:04:53

No he def does not have an account and not paying any taxes, they are after him. No the house is mine. Due to lock down I have not yet done my paperwork to be here but that is in hand.

ravenmum Wed 05-Aug-20 17:14:46

Great, good for you. Do you think you might at least appreciate the "adventure" of being abroad, the chance to learn the language better, the nice area? He's a dick, but perhaps you can get your revenge by actually making the most of it?

Sunnyday1203 Wed 05-Aug-20 18:20:20

Raven very early days. Hopefully will have family coming over for a visit soon. That will be lovely. Just need to get my head around stuff. He has just left such a mess. Not sure where to start

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bakedoff Wed 05-Aug-20 19:03:52

Is there absolutely no way you can move back home?

Meadow1203 Fri 07-Aug-20 11:27:16

Sadly no . I have a property here and nothing in the UK.

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