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Its never been me

(13 Posts)
lowandlower Tue 04-Aug-20 12:24:06

I don’t know how much more I can take. 35, no great love story or children.

This year I’ve congratulated another six friends on births and pregnancies. I’ve help organise two hen dos and a wedding. I’ve spent god knows how much on continual pregnancy announcements and engagements at work.

I used to be the life and soul and be so happy for those around me. I’m just bitter now.

Why have I never had the scan photo announcement, the wedding, the engagement, the shared home? ANY one of these things.

I’m so unhappy today and feel like I am destined for a life of loneliness.

OP’s posts: |
lowandlower Tue 04-Aug-20 12:24:23

Don’t know what I’m asking. Just utterly fed up and sad today.

OP’s posts: |
ArriettyJones Tue 04-Aug-20 12:26:44

Well what’s the plan? Allowing yourself to be bitter will make it worse. You need to decide a few things. Like whether you’d have a baby solo. Or where you are most likely to meet someone compatible.

lowandlower Tue 04-Aug-20 12:34:38

I’ve done this for the last 12 years. It’s hard not to become bitter. I’m so sad about how life has turned out.

Wouldn’t want to do it alone. I just wanted some of the normal things everyone seems to have.

OP’s posts: |
ArriettyJones Tue 04-Aug-20 12:38:14

I’ve done this for the last 12 years. It’s hard not to become bitter. I’m so sad about how life has turned out.

It wasn’t a criticism. It’s understandable. But, realistically, you only have a few years and you need to be decisive and proactive to maximise your chances now.

Wouldn’t want to do it alone. I just wanted some of the normal things everyone seems to have.

That’s just it. You probably have time to have some of them, possibly all of them, bug to maximise your chances of having at leat one of them you need to prioritise.

Maybe short- term counselling would help you sift through this a bit?

Autumn4eva Tue 04-Aug-20 12:42:17

Op you're allowed to have an off day. As long as you don't allow those days to become a regular things.
You're 35, plenty of time to meet someone. But I know plenty of married people with children who feel lonely at times.
I'm sure some of your friends look at you and envy you being "free" to do what you want. The grass is greener.
You need to work on yourself, realise being on your own isn't necessarily a bad thing. Better than being in an unhappy marriage.

User50000999788887876655 Tue 04-Aug-20 13:33:49

You’re still young. Live your life for what it is and enjoy it. Do the things you can’t do with kids and just live every moment. Life is so short, you never know what can happen in a year.

threesecrets Wed 05-Aug-20 13:56:37

I have those things... I suppose I got them because I thought that was what would make me happy. I think i would actually have been happier in a little terrace to call my own.

threesecrets Wed 05-Aug-20 13:57:09

I had a friend who adopted a baby girl in her 50s btw. She is single

Heidi3333 Wed 05-Aug-20 15:04:44

I hear you! I too felt the same way as you at your age - a string of failed relationships, no children, no luck at all in my personal life and it really made me despair, esp as I was v broody. Why everyone else and not me?

Then I decided I couldn't sit around and mope and took matters into my own hands. I had ivf using a sperm donor and am now mummy to a lovely 4 year old girl, own my own flat, car and happily single. I'm so glad I didn't hang around and wait and feel sorry for myself or I would have missed my chance of 44 now.

Happinesss doesn't always involve having a partner. Have you considered going it alone to have a baby?

passthemustard Wed 05-Aug-20 15:09:23

The thing is even if you do meet someone and have a child there is no guarantee you won't end up doing it on your own anyway. Take control of your life and work out what you want, and what is your priority, then do it.

snowqu33n Wed 05-Aug-20 15:38:23

I went to work abroad in my late 30s and started a new life. Had a baby in my 40s conceived naturally.
I could have written your posts when I was your age.
The future is far from being set in stone, but it’s unlikely that things will just change if you don’t do anything to make it happen.
I considered adopting and also the ivf/ sperm donor route in my mid 30s but I was fed up at work and not that happy with where I was living.
The next few years after I chose to make that big change were some of the best years of my life. I never really gave up on having kids but I was so busy and doing so many interesting things I didn’t think about it much.
I am not saying it was easy - far from it, but at least I felt I was taking control over my future a bit and not stuck waiting for something to happen out of nowhere.
I know in the current uncertain times it’s difficult to go out and do some things, but one of the things that was a catalyst to my decision was taking up a new sport that you need to do in the mountains.
So, just try a few new things and see what happens.
Sports are also ostensibly a good way to meet men.
I would also say that many women wind up parenting alone anyway when a marriage breaks down and wish they’d done so from the start after trying to coparent with a partner that turned out to be less than ideal.

It’s up to you. No fate but what we make.

FingersCrossedForAllOfUs Wed 05-Aug-20 16:32:40

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.
Bitterness is not healthy though and I know it might be easy for me to say but try not to let this set in. It will affect your whole life if you are not careful and you are still young.
As an aside, I am 40 and I'm going through a second cycle of IVF with my DH. But what this has taught me is not to have any regrets. If we hadn't at least tried I know I would feel such sadness about it. I understand you would like to be in a relationship but would you consider going it alone? At the least it might be worth looking into some fertility tests so that you are clearer on your options and to find out whether freezing your eggs might be a possibility. What you don't want is the next 5 years to go by and you are then left thinking what if?.... I wish I had done this or that.
Please don't give up on meeting someone though. I'm sorry if you've tried these things but what about your friends, do any of them have lovely brothers or male friends they could introduce you to? Do you have hobbies and interests? (I know its tricky at the moment). Could you expand your horizons which will hopefully make life more enjoyable with the possibility of meeting new people?
As others have said being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean complete happiness and you will see from so many threads on MN, many women thought they had met 'the one' only for it to all fall apart. There are no guarantees for any of us.

What is most important is doing things that make you happy and working out what your next steps are. On a down day like this it's not easy to do but, tomorrow doesn't have to be a repeat of today. Make some positive plans and keep moving forward.
I wish you luck OP flowers

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