Four years together and only spending a night together at weekends

[Outdoorsie]

We're both late 40s and together 4 years. No children. We live an hour apart from each other. We used to see each other during the week initially but for the last couple of years we only see each other at weekends, and even then not every weekend. However we would see more if we've time off work.

I've started to wonder what future we have. He's very set in his ways and there's been no talk of progressing things. It's not that I'm unhappy but I'm feeling lately things are becoming a bit boring, feel things starting to fizzle out a bit.

Anyone in similar circumstances or any advice welcome!

[Alloverthegrapevine]

I'd actually be quite happy with an arrangement like that. I've done happy families and if I were to start over, more time and space to myself but with "someone" at weekends and holidays would be lovely.

If he's happy like that but it's not for you, I doubt you'll get what you want from the relationship.

[TwentyViginti]

He's very set in his ways...... He doesn't want to progress things. He has a certain time slot for you in his life and that's it.

I had one similar. He didn't like his routine upset - no spontaneity. I didn't stick it out for four years hoping for more though.

[flyingant]

What do you want things to progress to? Your current situation sounds ideal to me (apart from the boring bit). The time that you do spend together - could you actively try to make that more interesting by doing different activities going to different places? Or do you specifically want to see more of him/live together?

[TheStuffedPenguin]

It's obviously not working for you so I would suggest you draw this to a halt . A man should be desperate to spend time with you and you him .

[Aquamarine1029]

I've started to wonder what future we have. He's very set in his ways and there's been no talk of progressing things

That's because he has no intention of ever progressing things. I think his actions have made that perfectly clear. If you want more, you are massively wasting your time on this man.

[BlingLoving]

Well, depends on what you want. If you want marriage and children, then no, this isn't sustainable. If you live a full and independent life and are happy with this level of contact, then fine.

The point is that after 4 years if you haven't settled into a way of being that works for both of you, then this is clearly not a relationship to maintain. So if you want more, tell him. If he agrees, great. if not, there's your answer.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

How certain are you that he's not married?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I have a friend who is in a very similar situation to you. She is mid 40-s, been with her partner about 5 years, he is late 40's. They live 45 mins-1hr apart and see each other at weekends and sometimes a night in the week.

They have discussed moving in together but that would involve quite big sacrifices on one side(whoever moved) and actually, they are happy as they are because having ever been married/had kids, they are both happy in their own company and have things they enjoy away from each other.

My friend did at one point feel they weren't seeing enough of each other (neither have kids) so they now see each other a night in the week too and I think this has made a big difference. Could you do that?

I also live an hour away from my bf and neither of us have any intention of changing that, due to kids, jobs, friends, family, etc. We are both happy with that though, which I think is key. If one of us had an issue with it I think we would have to address it. All relationships are different and there is no right or wrong way of doing it but your relationship has to work for you both.

[Littlemix1]

I personally wouldn't be happy with that set up especially after 4 years

[Justrunitunderthetap]

Yep, that just about sums up my situation. Same age and we've been together 4 years. He proposed on our 3rd date. I laughed it off & maintained an arms length relationship which he admitted suited him after 2 failed marriages.
Weekends have become dull: as it's the only time we see each other because of our jobs, the pressure is on to have a great time, except I'm usually too knackered to participate.
Recently I've realised I do want more from the relationship - I want to settle down, share a home - except he has basically told me he'd expect a more active sex life if we shared a home. I'm in the process of finding the courage to move on....

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

He's very set in his ways and there's been no talk of progressing things.

This works for him. He likes it this way. Does it work for you? Are you happy with this relationship? If not, stop wasting your time.

[MsJinks]

5 years and counting here! It is more of a FWB type thing though at first I was all into him and wondering where we’d go. It’s got too samey for a while, but equally convenient as I wouldn’t want to live with anyone and I can’t be bothered to start all over at the moment. However, it’s winding down and has been for a year, it’s not every weekend, or sometimes even every month! It irritates me a tad that he misses ‘them old times’ which have changed due to life moving on really - for me at least - and as I think life does, except his has not altered since day one (is this a man thing?). I’m now in the position that it is too much effort to go more often, or make it all more interesting but equally lazy about pulling the plug, as it’s comfortable and convenient. Whatever works for you I think - but you’re at a point when maybe it’s not - it’s just taking that decision (that I can’t myself!) - it may wind down naturally, but it might stagger on when getting it over with could be better for you. I totally get the boredom of it all, and can’t say it will improve without some sort of action being taken.