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Why can't I stop crying

(20 Posts)
herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 12:51:23

I started speaking to someone on a dating app about six weeks ago, and we were in touch for three weeks. We had long chats every evening, discussing life plans and ambitions/goals, met up within a few days of chatting and then had about six dates. Everything was very whirlwind and new, and even though I had doubts (we were different in key ways!) something felt really, really right and I felt like this could be it.

He was 5 years older than me (I am late 20s) and made it explicit from the start he wanted to settle down and was there for something serious. He was doing all the chasing and was very intense really from the start. E.g. said he would only date if a relationship had legs, kept mentioning things in the future, was really keen on me physically and seemed to fancy me madly (he wasn't my normal type but I liked him for more than just his looks), we just seemed so similar in what we wanted and our simple tastes in things. He kept saying things like he believed that people shouldn't be so quick to move on on dating apps and they should work things through, get to know each other.

I really felt that something was meant to be between us and he was doing all the chasing, was being very coupley and pushing things forward. he even suggested on our 4th date that if I got pregnant he would be totally behind it (!) and it wouldnt be weird if that happened. Psycho yes I know.

Fast forward to when we dtd a couple weeks in, it transpired that i was less experienced than him and he really freaked out. basically it was my 1st time, he kept saying that guys would never realise that as I was a "really hot chick" and then seemed to get insecure and say "now I guess you will want to dtd with loads of other guys". It really rattled me how he behaved but essentially he freaked out as he though I would now want to get serious with him and be a couple. He then messaged a lot but slow faded. I ended up breaking things off with him but suggesting we could be friends (he had suggested this as an option at one point) to which he enthusiastically agreed but then ghosted again!

This is all against a backdrop of his fiancee leaving him a year ago and quickly becoming pregnant with someone's else child soon after and then having a termination. Which he helpfully revealed on the last date. The whole way through he kept saying how over her he was, but then revealed that he had been trying to win her back at xmas but she was completely over him.

I feel so used and yet so sad. I feel like I wasn't that into him at first but he really pushed and pushed until he got inside my head and I felt attached, and then pulled away and left my without my dignity. I played it so cool at first and hate myself for even going there in the first place. I didnt do anything crazy but obviously suggested being friends at the end.

It is now about 8 weeks since I started chatting to him and I have still been crying most days, not about him, more sadness about how right it felt and how then how humiliatingly it ended. I did feel we were a match and connected, and without sounding arrogant physically I was why out of his league (my friends have said this too), I was so good to him, it really rankles to think how quickly he moved on and was able to ghost after saying all that stuff? He was so blunt and direct that I dont think it was bull, I do think he meant it in the moment... Who else is he going to end up with then?! And then to ghost even about being friends? I have so much anger about the whole situation and still have dreams about it, not sure what is wrong with me.

Please help as I am a mess

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herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 12:53:04

PS I did wonder if he was future faking etc etc and love bombing but to be blunt I dont think he was sophisticated enough for all that!! I do think he meant what he said at the time. But just has really affected me. I can't move on. There is obviously no way I could do this without 100% losing any remnants of dignity, but I wish I could see him one more time and really make him want me again/make him regret this.

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MaeDanvers Mon 20-Jul-20 12:59:12

So he was your first time having sex? Is this also your first experience of someone rejecting you romantically?

Because both of those things can be pretty intense when you've never experienced it before!

How long has it been since you spoke to him? Do you mean it's been 8 weeks since you first met him online or 8 weeks since you last spoke to him?

herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 13:02:59

No not first experience of rejection - I am weirdly quite experienced with men dating-wise and otherwise but just from a dtd front I am not. So have done lots of other things but not that.

Tbf Im not so annoyed about the dtd thing and rejection from that, more how he behaved like a lunatic and then backed off. I gave him the benefit of the doubt from every aspect and as soon as I let him in to my baggage, he freaked out.

It's probably been two weeks since we last spoke, 8 weeks since we first met. He said all this stuff about it being a shame we hadnt met at a different time, he would love to be friends, he really enjoyed hanging out and we should go for a drink. I then messaged a week later by accident and deleted it, to which he asked if all was ok and asked about going for a drink. I said sounded good and loosely suggested meeting that weekend to which he ghosted. I can't possibly say anything else now can I

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FootInBothShoes Mon 20-Jul-20 13:12:46

I really felt that something was meant to be between us

Ah, its crap but he instilled this belief in you.

Not everyone who 'future fakes' and love bombs does so because they're a manipulative cock.

Sometimes, they completely believe it but none if it is based in reality so it quickly falls apart Sometimes they lack confidence and believe that if they offer a woman what they believe women want, then women will stick with them.

This man offered you the romantic dream. But that's for fairy tales and romcoms, not for real life.

You say that you had doubts. Some doubts are normal. Others are not to be overlooked.

I actually think you've had a rather lucky escape with this one.

It doesnt really mtter why he did/said the things he did but, however impossible it feels right now, you will feel a lot better in another 8 weeks if you block him and have no further contact. I can pretty much guarantee that.

EricLove123 Mon 20-Jul-20 13:16:01

There's a lot more going on if you're late 20s and lost your virginity to someone you barely knew and now you're furious they don't want to be with you.

herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 13:18:35

@EricLove123 as I said Im not furious he doesnt want to be with me because of that... Im furious re the disrespect he has shown me and the fact I trusted him. DTD is by the by. It's more the fact I let him in and he completely went cold on me, forcing me to end things etc. Im glad I did it, I feel humiliated re the fact he ghosted and didnt treat me well.

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Lillygolightly Mon 20-Jul-20 13:18:50

Just as MaeDanvers said your first time having sex with anyone can be very bonding and feel very emotional. This is very much heightened by all the things he said to you and the fact that he was pushing the relationship on.

Being frank you have dodged a bullet here, it sounds as though he really isn’t over his ex and I would definitely say he was future faking. Op right now he is damaged and I think it would be quiet likely from what you’ve said that he is the sort to become abusive in time. From what you have described it sounds to me like what he is doing is trying to catch up with the ex on relationship terms, so he can tell himself he is over her, so that he can say he is love with someone else and has moved on etc. The downside being that he can tell himself all of this, he can even live it, but it sadly doesn’t make any of it true.

Importantly OP you have done nothing wrong here, nothing. It sounds like he has made an awful big deal about you being a virgin, which was absolutely terrible of him. How dare he assume that just because you had now had sex, that you would suddenly want to have sex with other too. What a dim and disrespectful view for him to take of you. Rather that reassuring him I would have been very bloody offended and expect a huge apology for even thinking such a thing let alone saying it!!! If I were to have sex with someone who hadn’t had sex before I would delighted that I was special and trusted enough that they chose me. The only negative I think I would have felt is a bit of pressure to make their first time as enjoyable as possible for them and perhaps worry about hurting them. You feel awful because you have given this special honour and he hadn’t at all treated it as such. I’m very sorry about that, but that is his fault not yours. Please don’t feel to bad about it, most of us have less than ideal or satisfying first sexual experiences and they often don’t turn into wonderful loving long term relationships either. That’s just life.

I know it’s hard but try and count yourself lucky for not getting dragged into his emotional mess. You deserve so much better and I’m sure that in time you will find it! flowers

herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 13:28:24

I agree, I was far too nice with him and wish I had ended it there! A bit of me thinks if I hadn't said anything about it being first time, we would still be seeing each other? Or at least I could have ended it on my terms? I hate him so much! He was so not worth any of this stress and I wish the whole thing had never happened really

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herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 13:34:17

I just want to add, I didnt consider it an honour or a special privilege. I considered it something I wanted to do at the time and felt that he should know as it was probably going to be fairly obvious, I just blurted it out. He was the one who went crazy about the significance of it.

I am not angry about the fact he has chosen not to be with me (!), more annoyed about his pushing things forward and then suddenly losing the plot and making me be the one to end it. He didnt even have the respect to properly end things.

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EricLove123 Mon 20-Jul-20 13:37:04

He might be like you were and thinking there was this great connection and have meant every word but realised it wouldn't work out or whatever. Especially when you barely knew each other and you showed him your 'baggage'.

Fact is, you spoke to him for a few weeks and met him a few times and were happy to sleep with him and now think he owed you something. He doesn't. You barely knew him, you're almost 30 so not a kid, you made choices. And you ended it. You wanted to be friends after ending it and he's not bothered.

I'm really not sure what you think he's done wrong other than hurt your pride to be honest. Which is what seems to be the issue, you weren't that into him, you were out of his league, you were so good to him, you just want him to want you or regret it..

You sound incredibly intense and a bit obsessive and over-emotional which might be why he doesn't want to do what you want him to do.

herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 13:48:53

@EricLove123 ok fair point, yes maybe I am all of those things, tbh I dont really think I am better than him in any way at all, it was just me trying to make myself feel better! The irony is that he was quite obsessive and intense, and yes perhaps I can be too. I didnt show him this at the start obviously but then let him in and I felt like as soon as he thought oh gosh she is maybe emotional, he just cut things dead... despite me giving him the benefit of the doubt with regards to all that on his side/being happy to see where things went etc.

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herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 13:50:55

Do you think it would be weird if I messaged again down the line?

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DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon Mon 20-Jul-20 14:01:22

Leave him alone OP.

If you are quite experienced with men why was this your first time? Were you saving yourself for something you considered special? Or youve not trusted a man before? It just seems strange to dtd with him quite early on but not with other men, you are acting quite casual about Dtd but it doesnt really fit withyour actions

You dont have to answer but it sounds like classic Im angry at myself for losing my virginity to a knob feelings, its natural to feel quite strongly if you have had sex with someone for the first time, I think especially if you are a little bit older actually.

herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 14:07:40

@DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon yes I think the latter, just feeling angry at doing it with a kn*b really. Definitely not saving myself, more a case of never that bothered about it and had good chemistry with him. I guess it would be ridiculous to ever message again wouldnt it. I just feel quite conned that I thought our connection was that good, despite the fact he kept instigating it and saying how much he had enjoyed us spending time together and chatting etc, and I know he was into me my physically too. Just confused as to how he could have been so keen and then not

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herstoryyyyy Mon 20-Jul-20 14:52:07

Thank you @Lillygolightly that's a really kind message!

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MaeDanvers Mon 20-Jul-20 16:24:17

I think probably you are feeling hurt about being rejected but focusing it on him being a total knob - which he is. How can someone who is clearly such a twat be so cavalier about you?

For some people, it really is about wanting to lovebomb and creates a fast sense of intimacy and once they feel they 'have' you - sexually AND emotionally, they suddenly don't quite want you anymore. This isn't a reflection of who you are as a person, it's a reflection of their issues. That he worked and worked to get you to open up and then bolted the moment you did suggests to me that this is not a person who is mature with their emotions and who prefers a chase and game rather than meaningful intimacy; sexually and emotionally.

I think it wouldn't be in your best internet to message him again. A more interesting question might be to ask yourself each time WHY you are getting the urge to message him. You can learn so much about yourself by just thinking along those lines.

So far from what you have said it seems mostly injured pride and self-esteem - that he was so into you (or gave the appearance of it) and then bait and switched you. Seems like you want to contact him to make him regret it or to get him to be into you again - but really, do you want a guy like this around you for any reason other than to mitigate those feeling of anger and being affronted that he was such an asshole? One way to figure it all out is to play out the scenario in your mind to it's most satisfying conclusion - like do you want to message him then he apologises, or begs for you back, or behaves wonderfully to you and never hurts you again? Or do you see yourself walking away from him having dumped him? That's also instructive as to why this is upsetting you so much.

But the other thing to remember is this is still really raw and fresh, it's only been a couple of weeks. So maybe try to be patient with yourself. You're crying because you are sad and angry. Nothing wrong with that. It's ok to feel sad and angry when someone you trusted lets you down. flowers

anotherdisaster Mon 20-Jul-20 18:22:52

Its sounds to me like the following
1. He's NOT over his ex
2. He's rushing things to get over his ex
3. you being a virgin suddenly made him realise that you sleeping with you is actually a massive deal because of that
4. he's now panicked and realised 1. and 2. above.

category12 Mon 20-Jul-20 19:28:39

Please don't message him, OP. You think you feel bad now, you'll feel far worse after chasing him.

Some people can just be natural manipulators, they don't really know any other way to be, and it's not a lot of forethought or sophistication - it's just what they do.

Lillygolightly Tue 21-Jul-20 11:05:44

@herstoryyyyy

I hope your feeling a bit better today. Please don’t message him, I completely understand the temptation but I worry that you will either feel further hurt by him. Honestly don’t give him the power to do that, he could simply not respond which will make you feel even more angry/upset or he could respond in a very cold manner, it’s so overwhelmingly unlikely that he is going to say what you want to hear. If by some miracle he did say what you want to hear, it will only suck you right back in and you’ll be dragged right into his tangled mess.

Relationships, good relationships shouldn’t be this hard, especially this early on.

FWIW and if it helps I’ll share that I love sex and enjoy it, but for me I find it really very hard to feel that level of attraction and connection to someone that would make me want to go all the way with them. I used to think it was because I was unbelievably picky or whatever as I could have a man in front of me so attractive he looked like he was chiselled by the gods and yet have zero desire to sleep with him. As I’ve gotten older and more experienced and know myself more (10 years older than you) I’ve realised that for me I need to be mentally attracted to someone as well as physically, I need to find and feel an almost intense level connection and obviously this is hard to do. When you find this, as I think you felt you did it can be so frustrating to realise things weren’t at all as you had thought. I really think you should applaud yourself because as soon as he started messing you around, you listened to your gut, refused to be treated like crap and dumped him. That was the right thing to do, and I know your doubting yourself right now, but please don’t. You were right to dump him and hold out for better because you do deserve far far better. Don’t have waited all this time to find the real thing and then let yourself be stolen by a fraud.

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