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Does he even care?

(17 Posts)
peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 12:40:36

Recently ended 2 year relationship. It was very up and down, some red flags, lots of issues I posted about on here before under my name and other names. Issues caused by both of us really.

I am trying to stay strong and stay away from him, I know it is for the best, and my therapist says I need to break this cycle we had of having big arguments/sort of splitting and not chatting for a while and me usually making the first move going back to him apologising (whether I needed to or not) etc.

However it is hard as he is a very close neighbour, we live in quite a communal kind of place. Yesterday I was working from my home office, could here him outside sitting and having a laugh and chat with our mutual neighbour for quite a while. It just made me low as seems like he doesn't care at all we are broken up? There he is outside chatting away.

Meanwhile I am the one that feels awkward, as I am the "newbie" here i.e. I moved here only 2 years ago, he and the neighbours have been a lot longer, I feel I cannot now go out and have a chat with them, or have a chat with this mutual neighbour who lives in between us, if that makes sense.

I have times where I feel determined to stay away and other times where I miss him and then like yesterday, feeling low hearing him outside having a good time and me inside alone working.

I know it is ridiculous and perhaps all I have is a bad case of limerance. Don't know why I am posting really. Just feels like he doesn't give a shit. Or maybe he doesn't think it is really over and that I will be back round again eventually. Really think he just doesn't care though and perhaps never did. Just feeling sorry for myself I guess, and disappointed as I am not sure he is the person I thought he was, or the "nice guy" that he claimed to be, deep down.

Thanks for listening to my pathetic ramble!

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peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 12:46:31

I say I ended it, but what happened was, we had a small discussion/argument via text, and he jumped to his usual default of oh let's just call it a day then, and I said, oh fine. And we haven't spoken since.

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gamerchick Wed 15-Jul-20 12:48:15

He's acting normally because you usually go running back begging for forgiveness. Why would he need to change?

peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 12:56:22

Thanks, yes, I suppose so. That's why I am trying to stay strong and stay away this time. I suppose I am just feeling sorry for myself!

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anotherdisaster Wed 15-Jul-20 12:58:25

Sitting chatting doesn't mean he doesn't care. Some people can hide it well. I dumped my last bf and he was posting all over social media what a great time he was having. I didn't believe a word of it.
Stop focusing on him and what he is doing and feeling, and put yourself first for once.

chickenninja Wed 15-Jul-20 13:05:33

He was outside your house? Possibly showing off because he knew you was watching!
I know it sounds a bit extreme but can you move away?

PornStarOvaltini Wed 15-Jul-20 13:06:09

Whether he cares or not OP is not relevant and will hopefully help you keep your resolve to move on from him.

Think that he's doing you a favour by behaving this way and helping you to know he's not right for you. But, don't let him stop you from doing the same.

Show him you don't care by chatting to neighbours & stop letting him continue to dictate your behaviour. X

Crystalspider Wed 15-Jul-20 13:10:27

It must be hard living so close that you can hear him! is moving a possibility? If you're renting.
Stay strong for the time being, don't get in contact, you said you did and apologised when it wasn't even your fault. Break the cycle for good this time, never ending arguments will keep you stuck in a toxic relationship, it will hurt at first to stay away but better in the long run.

HGKPG Wed 15-Jul-20 13:20:40

Didn't want to read and run. Understand totally an dits one reason I swore never to date anyone in my home town due to how my ex was when we broke.
I ended things with my 3.5yr partner last night. Like you I was always the one to go back and make amends my fault or not but not this time. Sometimes it's for the best, even though right now it won't feel like it.
If you can move maybe do that, easier said than done to keep your head high when you're feeling down x

peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 13:27:40

Thanks everyone. Yes it is hard living so close, I would never recommend dating a neighbour again.

I did consider moving but the thing is I own this place, so not as easy as renting. I really like living here otherwise, and it is very affordable. I suppose I just have to accept that the reality is that it will make it harder to properly end the relationship and get over it.

I don't think he was really showing off in any way, sounded like they were being fairly normal, and it is quite common for them to be outside hanging out for a while, and indeed I used to do it too with him and the other neighbour. Although yes I guess perhaps behind closed doors he is a bit down but not showing that when he is out and about.

I know I shouldn't care what he is feeling. I'm just really down as I did love him and enjoy his company. I feel like the issues we had were ridiculous, we could have gotten over them, except for the fact there were these potential red flags and our totally inability to communicate and resolve arguments. So yes I guess really it wasn't right.

I am just rambling. Just need to keep my resolve to stay away and prove to him this time that I won't be the one trying to get us back together again or apologizing.

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peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 13:28:26

Thank you @HGKPG flowers

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peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 13:30:58

And I guess next time I hear them outside I just have to move my laptop to another room to carry on working or put some music on or whatever, depending on what I am doing.

I could go outside and say hi too, chat to neighbour even if he is there, but I really feel I should be avoiding him entirely for a fair while. As he might take this as a sign of some sort of willingness for something again/some sort of apology, I don't know.

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HGKPG Wed 15-Jul-20 13:48:10

I get where you're coming from, it's not easy.
As I said I was always the person to go back, sort things etc.. Think he knows that. Last time I left it I had a random message off his sibling which I still don't know if it was doing.. Yet after speaking to them i still ended up making the first move.. I'm not playing cat and mouse anymore.
Sorry ranting.. Its hard I know

peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 13:54:14

Yes I know. I am sure 99% of the time it was me going back also.

I mean, I'm not perfect myself, I feel guilty for the part I played in also causing problems, issues. But tired of always being the one trying to resolve things or apologize.

I am absolutely determined not to do that again and be cat and mouse anymore. I just have to remember that when I overhear or see him, as a neighbour. Have to not let it effect me or make me feel low. Distract myself I guess - go and dance to some music or something in a different room! And stay busy.

It is so, so hard, when the love (well at least from my side anyway, who knows about him) is still there and the attraction is still there and you can't avoid potentially still seeing each other (suppose it would be similar if we worked together for example) yet you know it was pretty toxic and you are sick of the cycles.

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Natureotter Wed 15-Jul-20 14:35:16

Keep your chin up.
Remember his flaws and the red flags
- his inability to apologise for hurting you
- he wants you to chase him and go running, apologising for things you shouldn’t be in order to win his affection again
Sounds like he goes into sulks when he doesn’t get his way and you’ve called his bluff this time and he’s quite happy waiting on you to make the move.
I bet in a couple of weeks he will be at your door when you haven’t bitten. Don’t go back there, you have recognised it’s a toxic relationship and it’s not working, he won’t change and you will end up more hurt.
I work with my toxic ex and I don’t speak to him at work, but it is hard hearing and seeing him, it’s very triggering but just remember his flaws and remember what your worth!

peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 16:43:25

Thank you, I know you are right. My therapist asked what I would do if I stay away long enough and he is finally the one that makes the first move. I said I am not sure. I would hope to just ignore/not respond but it depends entirely on my mood and strength levels at that particular time! I said I certainly wouldn't agree to getting back together - again - without a serious adult non-heated talk about our issues. But I know we cannot do that without arguing and I know, deep down that you are right. He won't change, and the bad dynamics over the relationship won't change.

It's so very difficult. Fortunately I have never dated anyone that I work with, like you. But dating a neighbour...never again!

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peachesandoranges Wed 15-Jul-20 16:46:45

He is hanging out there again right now, chatting to my neighbour...confused

To be fair that is something he has always done, probably since before I moved here. Said hi to him on his way in from work and sometimes hung out longer for a chat. Still argh!

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