Talk

Advanced search

Help!

(8 Posts)
scarlywarlyx Sat 04-Jul-20 00:17:30

Hi everyone

So last year my couison told me that my dad, wasn't in fact my dad and that it had been a family secret for many years (I am now 28) and she gave me the name of the man she believed to be my real dad.

I knew who he was when my she said his name as I knew already my mum had been in a brief relationship with him just a few weeks before she meet my dad and got pregnant with me.

I have always had a feeling that he might not be my real dad, I have no reason for that just something has never sat right with me.

I decided to ignore what she had told me. Fast forward 6 months, a man contacts me on Facebook claiming that he is in my dad and he wants to meet me, and so do my half siblings.

I finally got the courage to ask my mum about this, she told me that she didn't want to talk about it and that she didn't actually know who my real dad is, she just wanted to believe it was the man she wanted it to be. (My parents are still together)

This was last year and I have not acted on anything because my mum really fell out with me when I mentioned it and I am scared I could lose the relationship we have.

Everyday I think about this. I want to know the truth but I don't want to hurt anyone, I also feel extremely betrayed by my family members who knew.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Any help on what you think I should do would be much appreciated, as this is such a private matter I have not told any of my friends so I have nobody to speak to.

Thank you x

OP’s posts: |
RoseTintedAtuin Sat 04-Jul-20 01:04:27

I haven’t been in your position but FWIW I think it may help you speak to your mum about this if you put yourself in her shoes. I don’t think she was upset with you but upset with herself and scared that she would lose the picture she has painted of her family if you were to know the truth. She may fear losing your respect and that of others in your family and be scared of the judgement you may feel or that she would get from others. I would suggest giving her some time and asking for a chat over some tea and explain that you understand how this must feel for her including her fear of all of these things but that for your peace of mind you would like to discuss what was going on in her life around that time. Dont give assurances you cant keep but perhaps say that you don’t want to rush into anything before first securing her and how she feels.
I appreciate that this is about you and you want to get to the bottom of it but in order to maintain a good relationship with her she may need support before she can open up and give you the information you need.
Wishing you the very best of luck!

flowerpot99 Sat 04-Jul-20 01:41:31

OP it's really up to you. If you want to know you can contact this guy and maybe do DNA to find out for sure. Would you want to build a relationship with him if he was your dad? I was in a similar position growing up thought someone else was my dad. My mum told be when I was a teenager I didn't really ask much questions as she's so awkward and I didn't want to annoy her. Anyway he got in contact via Facebook when I was about 25 but at that stage in time I wasn't really bothered about meeting him. He actually died 2 years ago. And I've still no regrets about never meeting him. I didn't owe him anything and I was happy with the family I had.

Windmillwhirl Sat 04-Jul-20 01:44:47

I agree this is your decision and choice, not your mum's. In your shoes I would have dna tested take it from there. Maybe consider some counselling to help you through the process.

dontgobaconmyheart Sat 04-Jul-20 01:50:43

Your mum is unreasonable OP. You have absolutely right to know who your own biological parent is, she is off her rocker if she thinks otherwise because she doesn't like the inconvenience.

Does her husband(your 'original's potential dad) know that there is doubt? Is that why she wants it kept quiet?

Since she has examples putting herself first I'd follow suit and do the same by privately doing a DNA test with this potential biological dad who has contacted you. I'd meet nobody or him until the matter is cleared up once and for all. I'm sure he will be more than happy to provide a sample and between you you can easily get the truth. Or have you and your sisters DBA tested to see if you share the same parentage.

It must be a real shock OP and I'm sorry your DM has let herself down by not attempting to empathise with how it must be for you or what it is like not even knowing who your parent is. Hopefully you can establish it quickly and decide how you want to proceed flowers

ShinyFootball Sat 04-Jul-20 01:56:50

This happened to a friend. She found out as a teen.

If the man who has contacted you is the same man as the name you had before. Chances are he's your dad.

It's complicated and upsetting. I know.

I don't think there's any mileage in talking to your mum tbh. She has lived a lie for a long time and just won't. As you have found.

Depending on how you feel. You could message him. Have s phone call. See how you feel. You don't need to rush. You could meet just him on neutral territory eg walk or coffee if you feel ready. Don't be rushed.

My friend is now in touch with her real dad and the one she was raised with. They are v dysfunctional all round so I won't say it was amazing! But, she's happier for knowing.

AlwaysCheddar Sat 04-Jul-20 07:37:51

Get a dna test. It’s hard but your dad has been there forever, whilst the other one hasn’t. He may be your bio dad but your current dad has been daddy. If that makes sense.

angelofmum Sat 04-Jul-20 08:46:36

Your mum is being selfish I'm sorry. There is never an excuse to deliberately make a child believe someone is their father if they actually don't know. She should've been honest with you when you were at an age that you could understand the situation. She should be tiptoeing on eggshells around you for the way she's behaved not the other way around. If you want to know who your dad is you have every right to find out. Can you contact this other guy and both do a DNA test? Your mum doesn't have to know about it if she's not going to support you.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in