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Overbearing MIL... Am I overreacting?(17 Posts)
I just want to start off by saying that my MIL is a lovely woman who has done everything to make me feel welcome and part of the family.
However, I now have a 4 month old and ever since we told her about the pregnancy I have found her to be somewhat overbearing.
That was when she started texting me every single day and if I don't reply she texts me over and over again until I do. I am not a texty person to start with and find it very annoying, especially because my family arent like this. We are more relaxed and just check in with a phonecall every few weeks so I am not used to the constant texting.
When found out I was pregnant she then decided to buy everything for the DS. I'm talking EVERYTHING (cot, pram, carseat, playmats, nursery furniture etc.) I was grateful but it took some of the fun out of expecting our first child. She also tried to take over my baby shower annoying all of my friends and wouldn't stop going on about naming DS after my partner so we caved and gave him it as a middle name.
The thing that bothers me the most though is this. She is constantly asking things like if he has slept in his cot in his own room yet or used the forward facing function on his pram yet. I inform her he is too young/not ready and he will yet she will continue to ask me. Just because she had her son in his own room at 8 weeks doesn't mean that mine should especially with what we know about SIDS etc
She is desperate to have DS overnight and said that I NEED to get him onto formula so she can have him overnight. I was so shocked by this I couldn't speak.
Sorry for the rambling but I feel as though she is trying to take over despite what is best for my baby and I. She wants to watch him 2 days a week when I go back to work and I am grateful for the help but I feel as though she won't listen to me and do things the way they were done 30 years ago for her son which isn't necessarily the safest way. The more she behaves like this the more I pull away from her which is a shame as I would like her to have a good relationship with her grandson as I think she is a nice person.
Am I overreacting? Should I tell her to back off? I don't want to upset her but I feel as if she wants to take my baby away before I am ready
No no no! You are not over reacting and you need to start standing up for yourself. This is your baby, not hers. This is not the behaviour of a loving grandmother, but if an obsessive woman who is trying to play at being mummy, all over again. She’s riding roughshod over your feelings and that doesn’t sound loving.
Do not let her look after your child on a regular basis, because you know you’ll be back here, complaining that she gave him solids before he was ready, feeds him food you don’t like, is fucking up his sleeping routine, has taken him for his first haircut, etc. You need to budget and use paid care, when you go back to work, or the cost will be much greater than money.
I wish my mil and mother in law were half as interested as your mil. Neither of them showed very much interest. Mil was only interested when she wanted to give her opinion on something about how we were doing things with the baby. Neither have ever offered to mind grandchildren even when we really could have done with a hand. My children are now 8,10 and 12, so easy to look after and still no invites or real interest. I think you should appreciate the help she is offering you because as you said she is a lovely woman. I think it's really unfair to not have her involved when she genuinely is interested and obviously loves her grandchild very much. With regards to buying everything, what's the problem. Children are expensive particularly if you have more than one.
No I do not think you are overreacting at all! I experienced this and it only got worst the older my son got. At first I was excited for my MIL to have her first grandchild and did everything she asked however when I went back to work and she looked after my son it got to the point where he would not even come to me and would cry every time she left which she encouraged, then I started to resist some visits and she became manipulative and went through my husband. For years I did not say anything until one day I lost it and things have been strained ever since, it took my marriage to breaking point! Having been here if I was to go back I would set clear boundaries from the start and not let your mil buy everything she had her turn with your husband it’s your turn now! Just be firm and make sure you get the support of your husband let him know how it makes you feel!
IndieRo you have spectacularly missed the point
I think your DH needs to have a word with her.
Not over reacting at all; she needs some firm boundaries and quickly otherwise she’ll end up doing things that you don’t want her to do. Ideally it’s up to your DH though to have that conversation
No I don’t think you’re over reacting. You guys need to tell her she’s suffocating you all and needs to back off.
She’s not a lovely woman though is she? She’s causing you stress and concern at at time when you need love and support.
Talk to your husband, he needs to firmly explain to her what your boundaries as a family are. Not speak on your behalf though, make it clear he’s not reporting what you think to her.
IndieRo’s comment is not helpful please ignore that.
It sounds an awful situation you really do have my sympathy, the getting him off formula for her own benefit is something I’ve experienced and was equally mortified.
You really do have to stand up for yourself, with your partners full backing. Hopefully it is only one conversation that needs to be had and she will learn from that, there may be a bit of sulking for a while but that is worth it compared to the alternative. I totally agree with another poster, she will want to ‘be the first’ to do new things with him, ie wean, haircut etc etc
They stay babies for such a short tiny amount of time, please enjoy and relish it. Yours and your babies happiness is far more important right now.
Would you tolerate a friend doing this to you?. No probably not.
Your boundaries re your MIL need urgent revising upwards. She is overbearing and therefore not a nice person, why did you state that she is at all?. Your MIL thinks you're both weak and a pushover. Not all relatives are nice and kind and his mother wants to play at being a parent again, this time to your child. Its not acceptable and I would certainly look into finding alternative childcare for these two days a week as well going forward.
Both you and DH need to tell her to back off
( Be prepared for the fact that you still allowed her to buy the necessity's thrown back at you though as this will likely be her retaliation when cornered)
You're not overreacting. She sounds suffocating.
What's your DH's view on her behaviour? She is his mother so he should be the one to tell her no.
Don't feel railroaded to do anything you're not comfortable with. This is your child not hers.
I'd be planning for paid care as PP said some things coast more than money
IndieRo Are you MIL by any chance!
"I wish my mil and mother in law were half as interested as your mil."
Someone always comes out with this shit, don't they?
It's not interest is it?
It's self interest!
You are not over reacting in the least. How you feed and care for your child is YOUR decision, not hers. Do not put your baby on formula if you don’t want to.
It’s lovely that she is interested, and so generous, but I’d start easing away if I were you. Leave the texts a couple of days. Don’t share so much information. Be unavailable and out and about more.
You need her to understand you have a life of your own, and the sooner she realises that, the better.
New baby everyone has new roles and it can be hard for everyone to adjust, suddenly it's clear some people have unknown preconceptions that seem extreme!
The key is getting everyone on board with clear communication about how you feel, and hopefully everyone will listen and understand.
If that fails then it can damage the relationships but you would have to reduce contact and defend your own wellbeing
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