I didn't know what a boundary was (as a term.) Are you good at assertiveness and how do you personally do it?

[NoMoreDickheads]

Excuse the long thread title.

Just that really. I hadn't heard of a boundary in an interpersonal context much until I came onto Mumsnet. I don't think people used to use the term so much in general when I used to read self help books and stuff 20-25 years ago.

I had only really heard of the related concept of assertiveness. I know this is perhaps only half of boundaries or something. For me it's really about assertiveness anyway, in as much as I mostly know what my boundaries are/ when I'm not happy with something, I just find it hard to say anything about it to the person in the moment, it's like I'm struck dumb.

Messenger and stuff make it easier for me to voice that I'm not happy with something- my ex used to try and insist on talking face to face and I know some people think it 'should' be like that, but I would hardly ever succeed in saying what I need to say in person, and the other person would always dominate me (which is probably part of why he insisted on communicating that way.) If someone tried to stop me communicating in a manner in which I am able to in future, I'll just say 'I'm happy this way, thanks.' If they're not happy with it then it's their choice and they can clear off.

I suppose if someone has really crossed a line/boundary when I saw them, I could get home, say my piece, and probably block- or just block, which I did with my ex in the end.
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So, are you good at assertiveness and what are your tips and tricks to achieve it?

[Nicolastuffedone]

Yes....but I think it’s come with age. I don’t have to try to ‘fit in’ now. I have a robust self esteem and that helps! I’m not someone who gives much thought to what will other people think....I’m not nasty or unkind to people, but I’m assertive when I need to be.,

[Maria53]

I'm 28 but have been told I have good boundaries for my age. I've certainly noticed people the same age as me in the last 6 years or so in a work context mainly let themselves be walked all over.

You have to know yourself, your principles and what you stand for - and know that there is no shame in standing up for what you believe in to be true to yourself. Once you truly reach this point the assertiveness comes quite naturally I think.

[NoMoreDickheads]

@Maria53 Good for you! It must be particularly difficult in a work context, I imagine, in circumstances where saying 'no' could actually impair someone's career.

In friendships/relationships I think I might do better now as I'm less desperate to keep friends etc.