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Exhausted by conflict

(5 Posts)
DrowsyDragon Wed 24-Jun-20 16:48:25

My mum and my DH hate each other. DM is quite controlling and the last few years, especially since I had a child, have been a long slow process of trying to set better boundaries, reduce meddling, protect myself and my family. DM and DH particularly come into conflict over our DD. She is very belittling of him as a partner or a parent. DH is not perfect, in fact he had a mental health breakdown earlier this year which put a HUGE strain on our marriage. I have stopped confiding in DM at all because she just calls him controlling, rude and a bad partner/parent. Which is ironic because he calls her all the same things. DH was not a great partner while he was ill, he was very selfish and quite dismissive of my feelings etc though he ALWAYS made an effort for DD. Since going on medication, it's like I got my old DH back. he still has bad days but he's open about them and what's going on so we can work around them and the rest of the time he is his old self, funny and warm and supportive .

The big change is, any tolerance he had for my mum and my dad who does facilitate mum's lack of boundaries and controlling ways is completely gone. He is forceful to rude with them when they cross his lines. Straight from 0-10.I am sure a lot of you will say fair enough and I should get as strong as him but it's very hard to unpick a life time of Dm telling me I am 'hers' and all we have is each other (Her, DF and me). Now lockdown is ending and they are coming around more these rows have escalated. They are upsetting DD and upsetting me. DH says it;s the only way my parents will learn. They refuse to change anything even when I ask them nicely. I'm also 24 weeks pregnant with an IVF pregnancy and I;m just so tired of being stuck in the middle and feeling like I am failing absolutely everyone. I just want everyone to calm down and talk but that seems impossible. Is there anyway to stop it hurting and just take my DH's side? Despite everything with my mum I am so scared of losing any relationship with my parents. Please be kind. I think if I read my post I;d think I was pathetic too.

OP’s posts: |
OneForMeToo Wed 24-Jun-20 16:54:03

Me personally I’d just only meet with my mum without my husband. They don’t get on it’s clear. I also wouldn’t be telling her anything about dh and I wouldn’t be telling dh anything about her.

Sometimes people just don’t like each other and I’d guess after Keep hearing how his not good enough his just had enough of tolerating her at all.

1235kbm Wed 24-Jun-20 16:56:41

What you're doing isn't working OP - being 'nice' for the sake of faux peace ie letting people trample all over you, never works. People who take advantage just take more advantage. They have no respect for you or your boundaries.

If your parents being at your property is causing arguments that upset your daughter is there a compromise to be had? For example, can you organise to meet your parents outside your house at a park or at their place?

Tell your mother that, you are aware of how she feels about your partner and you would like her to stop bad mouthing him in front of you. Enough is enough.

Unless your partner is abusive, then of course you should support him. If they are being rude to him, stick up for him but it's better if they just keep away from each other. Accept that as a compromise.

Babynumber2dueNov Wed 24-Jun-20 20:40:18

I literally could have written this EXACT scenario! We have basically put it as my DH is very very low contact with my DM, has a little contact with DF but they basically just stay away from each other. They don’t want to hear about one another really and whenever I do need to vent, like you I don’t do it to either of them. Luckily I have a brother I can turn to about DM, and brilliant friends about DH MH. I’ve found it much better in recent months, where no one ever mentions they don’t see each other- they’re civil and friendly when my parents have come to the garden but nothing more, which is fine. It’s not what I’d choose but it’s better than it was. I have found though that DM has tried to control other things a lot more since DH has distanced- watch out for that! It works well for us as I work part time so see DM when DH is at work. Just an idea!

DrowsyDragon Thu 25-Jun-20 11:06:28

Thanks all! I think I probably needed a whinge as much as anything. Yeah I just need to give up on the idea that this is fixable and look for workable instead and you are all right, that’s minimising any contact aside from when unavoidable - birthdays, xmas etc.
(This is where I really wish I’d got my drivers’ licence before lockdown - lived into London until V recently and it just wasn’t on my radar).

@Babynumber2dueNov god that does sound familiar except I’m an only child. DM tends to lovebomb a bit when she wants to get control back.

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