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I don't know if this can be it anymore(9 Posts)
Thanks for reading. I'm wary of how I may come across but I need to get this off my chest
I married my husband after we got pregnant 2years jnto a really wonderful relationship. I'd been single through choice for a while, after suffering a trauma I struggled to accept people liking /loving me and rejected a lot of kind and generous (in spirit not materialistic gifts!) boyfriends when they got serious. I then met my now husband and through friends telling me he is fun a good guy, we had mutual friends etc it seemed an easier "leap" to trust him and 2 years in we were married with our first. Now we have two kids 4 and 2. The problem is that this kind man has become quite difficult. When we were dating he wasn't too clingy or pushy or needy but he was very "interested" as we all are when dating but he showed thoughtfulness and care. Now I feel I'm with a man that likes to go out a lot to the pub with work ( not in lockdown obviously) and drinking with friends etc. Hungover he is rude and unpleasant but he can't go more than 2-3 weeks without feeling desperate for another release. All his pals are the same. The difference is his pals wives don't work so there is a different dynamic there. With me and my oh, I work full time in a stressful job to contribute to the level of lifestyle both of us want and that which all his friends enjoy. When we met I was looking for jobs abroad and he was keen to join me. We didn't move at that point but he always knew that as an army child myself growing up all over the world I wanted the same for my kids. He now says if I want to move abroad he won't come with me. I also desperately wanted 3 kids. He now says no way. I feel trapped. Like I'm just stuck here doing a job I actually hate, with less financial security Than when I was single, wishing I'd married one of the men that had really wanted me over this guy. I have these thoughts a lot and then push them away as obviously I do love him and I would like this to work. But I just feel lost and trapped
I told him this last weekend and his response was that he's not a bad person and would never want to make anyone unhappy or be responsible for stopping them living their dreams so he wants me to do whatever makes me happy. It just feels so sad. Like he takes no responsibility for this life of ours. He loves his job and colleagues, and I do not love either of mine so would leave in a flash. But I just feel like is this it ?! He says he has his friends (from school still 😕) and why change that ? But I was hoping for more of an adventure than this, a noisy house, experiencing life from different angles together. He is so happy with tv, same friends, pub trips. Sometimes I feel I've been. Tricked while dating and now he's showing who he really is. I don't know what to do. Sex is also rare and he rarely ever wants to be with me. I am attractive and in good shape I work reallt hard to stay in shape etc. I make an effort with my appearance to keep things alive and a physical attraction there I just feel he can't be bothered
Op - I don't want to sound dismissive or unkind but what is keeping you in this relationship? He has made it painfully obvious that he doesn't really care about you (sorry) so the only solution is to move on.
I did the same thing after a long marriage; it took me years to get round to making the break but God - the relief of having my independence now!
Don't cling on to something that isn't working - be brave and put yourself first.
Have you had any therapy for yourself to address the trauma that prevented you forming previous relationships? Only there could be a deal of work there to uncover the real reason why you feel so unhappy.
Also does your DP have an increasing dependence on alcohol as that can also cloud things? (He is regularly prioritising it over you and DC).
Would relationship counselling help, to be clear on what the true issues are as each of you see them?
Ultimately travelling the world is probably not worth breaking up a family for. Conversely you are only 6 yrs into this relationship which is not enough reason to stay together forever if you are ill matched.
Thanks for your replies
I feel really guilty reading them as I partly wonder if he would be so hurt if he read this and also feel guilty wasting your time if I don't act on it
I can't stop thinking of all my exes who have gone on to be wonderful (seemingly !) husbands and lived adventurous happy lives and my life seems to have just turned out average and a bit of a struggle
When I met my oh I felt he was full of promises and really cared for me... I never felt comfortable with lots of gushy praise etc but he was the right balance of kind and caring. And I think maybe he did suit the stressed traumatised side of me because he was so incredibly laid back that I learnt to stop pause relax etc
But now I find myself seeing him as lazy, inconsiderate, not bothering if he doesn't get the reaction he wants (only wants constant praise cannot handle criticism). We seem like such a mis match
I see the point that 5 years vs a life time seems insane reason tos Tay together but my kids love him so much I'd feel awful leaving him for. Nothing else or more to offer them except they just don't live with their dad anymore
It's not like with kids this young and working so hard I would suddenly be able to go meet other people and see if there is a better match out there for me etc
I'd just be stuck alon and probably missing the company
But yet I find myself wanting - we argue which I hate and he never lets us have an argument without saying this is so sh@t why do you always criticise me etc ...
and I've found myself googling exes and feeling i made a massive error in staying with this guy and how my luck must have really been down when it all happened. I'm embarrassed I say this. I'm a career woman yet I'm almost hoping some Prince Charming will appears and fix this situation. Or my OH will fix it! I haven't given up hope that he can be that guy again and provide and care and ease the. Burden on me. But right now I feel over burdened and little room to say anything as it turns Into a blazing row and he says he can't physically do anything more
His drinking is an issue. It's a symptom of his social group but like I said they have different familial set ups . He needs to have fairly frequent big blow outs of sinking pints in the pub with lads. And then he strain on me esp when I get up for work next day etc is huge
But the. As he says - what did I expect? I knew he liked going to the pub when we got together I just never imagined that it would all be like this
Yes I would likely benefit from counselling I had it a lot at the time
But then it was so expensive and I could not afford it
It sort of worked then I had other coping mechanisms (namely eating issues) and then learned to get rid of those when I became v happy with my OH
I don't have those issues anymore as I am determined it's not for my DC s to suffer for my own issues and will not let it come back so that is dealt with but my responses to situations can be hard for me to digest emotionally sometimes and I'd love to have a some therapy
We tried relationship therapy but it wasn't for us or that counsellor wasn't
Also with kids it becomes expensive and as my OH is our with work plus friends
It meant we had little spare nights a week and our only time together was talking about our problems
How do I even start putting myself first when every time I do I feel guilty ???
You have been tricked. He's waited until you've settled, then moved all the goalposts to fit his selfish needs.
It is sad, but it'll be sad for a lot longer if you stay. Every day will be moulded to his liking, and no day will be moulded to your liking.
He doesn't need to get drunk, he chooses to. What do YOU need?
Life is far too short to live with this man. If you think of a life apart from him, how does it seem?
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