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Relationship breakdown

(22 Posts)
Jam12 Mon 08-Jun-20 04:07:29

I really need some advice. I am writing this as I lie awake a 4am.
I meet this guy through a mutual friend 4years ago. At the time he had planned to go back to college fulltime. I was and am working fulltime. We started going out and had lots of ups and downs. He is very opinionated and arguments would easily start especially if I'd had too much to drink. Our sex like was always lacking and would always be on his terms.
3years on he gave up his full-time job to go back to college fulltime for 5years. I found out I was pregnant and he lost it saying I should have an abortion and things would be really difficult between us and it would never work. Abortion for me wasn't an option. I wanted this unplanned baby. I've my own house and a job and I knew I could support myself and the baby. Anyway he moved in with me to my house but throughout my whole pregnancy was horrible to me leaving me an emotional wreck. He also refused sex with me. I pay all the bills and mortgage and he buys the food which is our current arrangement.

I had the baby and a month later I felt compelled to check his phone as we hadn't been getting on. I found messages he had a sent to a girl he knew in America. He told her it was over between us and he couldn't stop thinking about her. We argued and I pretty much pathetically begged him to stay which he did. He promised to not text her but remained friends on social media. I made the mistake of checking his phone again in February just gone and there were more messages about how he missed her and how hot she looked. I absolutely broke down and told him to end contact which he said he would. The same week his ex sent him a video of them having sex which he admitted to me. I feel like I'm going insane at his lack of anything towards my feelings. I sent the girl in America a message on Instagram just asking if anything was going on ( I know I sound crazy). She let my boyfriend know about this and he went mad at me. He promised he has ended contact with her. I know she lives halfway across the world but I feel emotionally cheated on.
My boyfriend is very smart but I feel like he is manipulative. He never says sorry in an argument, it's always my fault. He always gets his own way and can be extremely selfish. He tells me I'm a nag and that I make him feel guilty for everything which I've convinced myself I'm a terrible person because of. He never says I look nice and rarely says he loves me. Searches on his computer say hes looking at porn. He said he needs to feel something to have sex with me. I no longer snoop because I'm afraid of what I would find. He has hidden when he is last active on all social media and also has no pictures of me or the baby anywhere online (He says this is because it's private). He has no friends only one who he never sees. His dad has lung cancer and limited days but he has barely been to see him.
Our baby is now one. I don't know what to do. I want to tell him to leave but I can't find the strength. I've confided in my mutual friend who knows us both and she said to tell him to leave. I'm really unhappy and it's having a negative impact on my confidence and self esteem. I'm partly to blame too because I do nag at little things but I'm so bitter about how he treated me that I find myself getting angry at him. Talking and communicating ends up in an argument.
I want him to be in the babies life but I don't want the baby to be like him. Help I don't know what to do

OP’s posts: |
EventRider1 Mon 08-Jun-20 04:21:40

So let me get this straight...
This guy is basically a cocklodger as you pay for everything. He is never nice to you, tried to force you to have an abortion, doesn't want to have sex and has been speaking to other women and has told them it is over between the two of you? It also sounds like he is emotionally abusive as well.
Your friend is right, do yourself a favour and get rid of him! He can still be in the baby's life if you want him to be but that doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with him. You and your baby deserve so much more than that.
You will never find mr right if you waste you life with mr wrong. Someone will come along who will adore you and your baby and treat you how you deserve to be treated.

Jam12 Mon 08-Jun-20 04:31:19

He does pay for the food as he has some income (not a lot). He spends a ridiculous amount which we cant afford though. My friend so suggested the term emotional abuse too. I know I'm not fully innocent as I'm a neat freak around the house and clean to busy myself. I'm so confused as he has helped me to do up the house doing lots of jobs in the last 2years. That's why I also feel difficult to ask him to leave. He is good with the baby but I hit a raw nerve last week when he insisted during an argument to me that he was a good dad to which I said 'yeah sure'. I was so angry he drove me to say it even though it isnt true.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Mon 08-Jun-20 04:35:36

He brings nothing positive to your life and you don't need him for anything. You say you don't know what to do, but I don't believe that's true. You know you need to kick him out, you just haven't. How much misery are you willing to suffer, and how much more of your life do you want to waste? Stop procrastinating and just get rid of him.

LadyB49 Mon 08-Jun-20 04:54:51

I'm tired, it's late, and i just can't start to list reasons why you should kick his sorry arse out the door. He says you nag... Id be nagging too. Id also have checked his phone. His behaviour called for it.

You say you can support yourself.
Why would you allow yourself to be treated this way.
Think how happy and content you and your baby could be without this horrible excuse for a partner.

Please get rid of him.
You sound very upset and put blame onto yourself. Forget that.
All you need to ask yourself is..... Are you happy? Do you want to live like this? I'm sure not.
In the kindest way I ask you to wipe your eyes and pull up those big girl knickers. You can do it.
Tell him to get out. No tears. At least not in front of him.
You will find peace and joy. You will be so glad you did it.
Best wishes.

longtimecomin Mon 08-Jun-20 05:09:28

Oh my god, dump this loser. What exactly are you getting from him?

caribooshriek Mon 08-Jun-20 05:15:08

Is there anything good about this man? Why on earth are you hanging on to such a jerk?

Darkdiva Mon 08-Jun-20 05:37:16

@Jam12 oh sweetheart I read this and so many things I can relate to. I have recently posted my first about my relationship issues and I know how hard this is. I was up at 3am after about an hour of sleep and i have a child too. Trust me when I say this, no matter what he says he won't change. I ended up being left alone to struggle while my ex just flits from woman to woman. It started on social media, no photos of us or the family. Messaging other girls and said it would stop but it didn't. Untill it got to the point where he was meeting up with some and affairs started. Its really difficult when we are so heavily invested emotionally. My self esteem hit rock bottom and its the worst. He is still lying now after he left. You need to get him away from you. It only makes a bad situation worse. I dont why some people are like this. You sound like a woman who has it together. Your stronger than you think. Be kind to yourself and think of you, think of what you want for you and your child. I should have kicked my ex out before but I thought ibwas doing the right thing but I wasn't. Don't give him any attention anymore because that's what men like this love. The second I stopped giving my ex attention he wanted me back, stupidly I let him back in and it started all over again. Its just not worth the heartache in the end for us or the kids involved. Nothing is ever clear cut, you can't turn your feelings off even though we would like to. Im so sorry your having to go through so much stress when all we want as moms is to enjoy motherhood and share it with the person we had the child with.

Darkdiva Mon 08-Jun-20 05:46:37

And my ex was a good dad until the moment one of these mesaages turned into a full blown affair, then he just went and forgot all about his child until i just gave up trying to force him to be a dad. He came back, was being good daddy again until all the messages started again and now he has seen his child for a few hours this week and that's my lot. He is threatening me with court now to see his child when I don't stop him and give him opportunity but he is busy or tired. I don't know what goes on in there minds. At this point I am struggling quite badly with the feeling that I have, anger, loneliness the works and trying to be a good mom. Please don't blame yourself, I know how you feel but its not you, you haven't done anything wrong.

Windmillwhirl Mon 08-Jun-20 06:25:05

You are your own worst enemy, op. He is using your. Stop thinking this can ever be ok. It's not going g to work out.

The fact you want it too in spite if all he has done is very worrying.

Your selfcesteem must bevinvtatters to accept this as a relationship.

I think you should get some counselling before you move another guy in. Your bar is very, very low.

Darkdiva Mon 08-Jun-20 06:32:34

I don't see this as worrying at all. Not everyone is made of stone and you have so many different feelings swirling around your mind you can't make sense of it. You want to do the right thing and when you are under so much stress, and when you feel that way you make yourself the last priority. Its easy to say dont do this or do that but thats how she feels. Time will allow the feelings to sort itself and you will realise you will be ok. Being honest with how you feel isn't a bad thing.

MyOwnSummer Mon 08-Jun-20 07:38:56

Its your house, mortgage in your name... which means legally he has the status of a lodger. Almost zero rights.

Strongly advise you to chuck his stuff in bin bags, dump on the doorstep and change the locks. You are literally paying to be treated like shit, and to teach your child that this is normal.

Its not you, its him - arse, boot, door - in that order.

HugeAckmansWife Mon 08-Jun-20 07:49:20

I understand the reluctance to end it. I'm dithering about ending a relationship with someone who's just a bit selfish and annoying. We don't even live together so I could easily but it's hard to give something up that you had hopes for. BUT this guy is awful, poisonous. Asking him to hoover and tidy does not mean you're to blame for his behaviour. You are in a good place practically, it's not your job to make his life easy. Ask yourself why he has only one friend. Start putting arrangements in place to be a single parent, look at childcare if it's needed, what benefits you might be able to claim, use the cms online calculator to find out what he'd need to pay in maintenance and think about what contact pattern might work and line up some friends to be around in the immediate aftermath while he's moving his stuff out. If you've got it all sorted you are not just leaping into the unknown and he won't be able to confuse you with 'you won't cope, you can't afford it' etc. You'll have answers and be the one in control.

SpiderStan Mon 08-Jun-20 12:39:58

I'm siding with the mutual friend.

Tell him to leave.

He wont respect you, your feelings, your relationship or his family. He has proven that he has no intention to do so. He sounds like a horrible man. Remove him from your life as much as you can. You are better than this. Remember when you had your own place, your own bills to pay, your own life? Get that back.

JustC Mon 08-Jun-20 13:11:09

Sorry this will sound harsh, but it seems like to him you are just the landlady. He is not in a relationship with you, and you need to be stronger, you need to love yourself, stop forgiving him and beging him to stay.

Jam12 Thu 11-Jun-20 08:01:49

I suggested a break but he still hasn't left my house. He said he's sock of discussing things and me getting upset. He's been hanging around the house the last week spending hours sorting storage on his laptop for college. I've work to get done by Monday so I mind the baby and try fit an hour or two in in the evening. I went to his laptop to see something and it looks like the 'work' the is doing for college at every opportunity is watching porn. I'm so annoyed that while I'm watching the baby he is doing this. He could go weeks without initiating sex and this must have something to do with it. It's ok for him to watch porn but it must be a daily thing now for him. When I confronted him he laughed and now I'm getting the silent treatment which will continue for days.

OP’s posts: |
Dontletitbeyou Thu 11-Jun-20 12:45:02

He isn’t in a hurry to go anywhere . Why would he , he’s got it cushy . You pay the mortgage and the bills , while he watches porn all day , pressures you into having an abortion , lies to another woman about no longer being in a relationship with you, and tells her how hot she is .Even your friend who knows you both is telling you to end it .
He shows you no love ,not an ounce of respect . Take a deep breath, , dig deep and kick him out . The freedom you will feel will be unbelievable
One last thing you are not in the wrong for being a neat freak . It’s fine , it’s your house , you can be as neat as you like , that’s how it works . If he’s not happy , which he obviously isn’t , he can leech of someone else and watch porn at their place instead. Fkn loser !!

copycopypaste Thu 11-Jun-20 17:04:56

Just kick him out op. He's using you, he's emotionally abusive, financially abusive and he's emotionally cheating on you at best.

Give him a date to leave and if he does t go speak to the police and get them to come round and kick him out.

Re his child, he can still have a relationship but you don't need ton

Jam12 Sun 14-Jun-20 21:55:06

He still won't leave. I really don't know what to do as I don't want to kick him out. I don't want the neighbours to see. I know it sounds silly but I live in a small estate and I don't want them to talk about it. I've been getting silent treatment for days now and I can't cope. I told my sister and she thinks everything seems ok from the outside which makes me feel I'm paranoid. I can't live this way.

OP’s posts: |
Dollyrocket Sun 14-Jun-20 22:21:18

OP you need to wake up and kick him out.

This man is a cheating, abusive, lazy, cocklodging scumbag and you’re currently enabling him to treat you like a piece of shit!

This is what your baby will learn is normal! confused

billy1966 Sun 14-Jun-20 22:30:34

Dear God, call 101 and have him removed from your home.

Don't worry about the neighbours, he is the one refusing to leave.

Dery Sun 14-Jun-20 22:44:39

“Dear God, call 101 and have him removed from your home.

Don't worry about the neighbours, he is the one refusing to leave.”

This. The neighbours won’t care and even if they did, what the neighbours think is so much less important than getting this deeply nasty man out of your house and out of your life.

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