At 40 I met a muslim guy B who was 36 and told him I wanted to settle down and have a baby so I wanted someone who was looking for the same. I wanted us to get to know each other and then start trying for the baby within 6 months. He was fine with this and when I asked if culture was a problem he said it wasn’t. So we got into a relationship but he kept pulling away (going silent for a week or so or even dumping me but then coming back). After a few months had passed I was realising that a relationship wasn’t going to happen with him. By then I was well over 40 and I was thinking I didn’t have time to meet anyone else and have a baby with them. So I thought I would stay with B and try to get pregnant. I did try to date other guys but was always drawn back to B when he got in touch again. After a while I felt terrible trying to date other guys while I obviously wasn’t emotionally ready to do so. I have met and dumped so many while I have been with B and I hate the fact that I’m messing people around.
B was telling me all the time he was madly in love with me and just didn’t know why he was pulling away all the time. He said he couldn’t help it. I searched the internet for answers and discovered he has ‘avoidant attachment’. After more searching I discovered he is enmeshed with his mother (basically a form of abuse). Characteristically mother enmeshed men do everything their mother wants because they feel guilty if she's not happy.
About a year ago he mentioned his mother wanted him to have an arranged marriage abroad, however he still spoke about wanting to marry me. Recently he told me he has decided to go ahead with the arranged marriage. But, he is still asking if we can we see each other, talking of a life with me and saying he hopes the marriage doesn’t work out so we can be together. I really do not want to see him while he is married but don’t think I have the strength not to go back to him! Plus he only lives down the road from me so I am sure to bump into him.
What I want advice on is whether I should go and confront the mother and tell her we are in this relationship. This is a strict muslim family and I know it will cause a lot of problems, however this is the only chance I can see of us being together (I have asked him to tell his mother himself but he refuses). My man is very childlike and I feel like he wants/needs a girl who will stand up to his mother.
It has been suggested that I am thinking of confronting the mother out of malice and I will say yes I do feel a lot of frustration for this situation. It has been now 2.5 years with B. I feel I have missed the boat to marry/have a child elsewhere, there has been a lot of emotional turmoil and I feel he has not been upfront with me (like he could have a told me he couldn’t marry outside of his culture when he first realised it probably one year ago). Male friends have suggested he has just been saying he loves me and talking of marriage to get sx and all the talk was lies.
That aside I don't think I am thinking about this out of malice. I am thinking it could be the only chance and I have put in so much effort to the relationship it would be a shame to let that go to waste.
I have had an abusive past, this is why the baby thing did not happen for me previously and I have always ended up with men who have treated me badly. Partly why I have stayed with this one who has been different. I know this is cheesy but it also feels so spiritual with B. I feel like he is my twin flame.
So should I write the mother a letter or not? B says he will never speak to me again if I do. In some ways this is a good thing.
One last thing to add is that I am B's first relationship and I feel he is somewhat naive. Also I am a white christian girl.
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Relationships
Shouls I tell his mother?
EmilyG2010 · 06/06/2020 16:42
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