Gambling partner

[Cassie1394]

I don't even know why I'm writing on here guessing I just need a hand hold right now..
Just found out my partner is still gambling.. a lot! & I'm pretty sure that his Mum is helping to fund the addiction. I don't know whether I'm upset or absolutely fuming!! We have a 3 month old baby & I feel like I can't confront him because I have nowhere to go for a breather or to get away from the shitty atmosphere it will create

[orangetangerines]

How much are we talking? Gamblers in my experience never change unless they seriously want to, and even then they can't ever gamble again! You have to think of the life you and your baby will have if you continue to sit there and put up with his shit. Confront him, tell him how you feel and ask him why he's doing this.. but don't expect the truth!
Giving a hand hold as i've been there and done that and got rid x

[Cassie1394]

@orangetangerines First of all, thank you so much for replying I already feel less alone. It's in the hundreds, he puts £1000 into our account to cover his part of the mortgage and bills, and the rest of his wage is gambled. He also has a small overdraft which I've known him use in the past & now I'm certain he is borrowing or being given money from his Mum to use too. I wouldn't hesitate to confront him if I could leave with my baby tonight but due to the lockdown there is nowhere for us to go and I'm already feeling quite isolated and lonely as it is I agree I don't think he will ever change.. if having a child isn't enough I don't think there is anything more which could make him change his ways
x

[orangetangerines]

@Cassie1394 i really feel for you, its shit knowing you and your child will never be enough to change your ways for... right so you can't leave now, is there anyway of getting all your ducks in a row? I assume you're on maternity at the moment... do you have a full time job? Start saving as much as you can and make a proper plan, don't let him know anything about it. Whilst you're at that i'd strongly advise checking your credit score and stuff like that to make sure he hasn't taken anything out in your name, i know it may seem unlikely but gamblers get very very desperate!
At some point you will have to confront him but until then stay strong, keep being the best mum you can and sort your finances and a safe place to go after lock down!
If you want to stay ( trust me i felt like that ) then you need to be 100% sure he wants to change, go to stuff like gamblers anonymous, counselling etc. Be honest with his finances, shows you his account! I'd just be very very weary if you're taking this route because everytime i forgave ex he would be good for a month and then do it again! X

[Cassie1394]

Yes I'm on maternity and only getting SMP & child benefit right now. I am otherwise in full time employment and also have a good amount in savings so I know me & baby will be ok for money for a little while. I am just worried about the housing situation as we aren't even 2 years into our mortgage & there's no way I could afford to keep the house going on my own for the next 20 odd years. Both of our credit scores are OK at the moment, I do keep an eye on them already x

[PinkCatty]

Honesty, I’d never get involved with a gambler. You couldn’t pay me. They can spend hundreds, thousands, millions even (including your money) in a nano second. Even an alcoholic can only spend £20 a day.

It’s Literally throwing good money after bad.

It is a compulsion, and I hope he gets better. But don’t hitch your wagon to this runaway train, at some point there will be blood all over the track, mainly yours and your daughters. keep your lives completely, I mean COMPLETELY, separate. If I were you I’d be calling it a day, don’t look back. He can still have a relationship with his daughter but you need to protect you and your baby. Seriously.

[PinkCatty]

Even if you sorted house temporarily, and paid the mortgage 10 solid years, you could be homeless and penniless overnight. My advice: start from scratch now while you are still young, on maternity leave etc, and get whatever help you can get.

[Cassie1394]

@pinkcatty thank you for your reply. Sadly too late for me to not be involved. I am going to take my name off the account we have together and other than the bills our finances are separate.
@orangetangerine I'm not sure I could afford to buy him out and then get accepted to take over the mortgage. We would probably have to sell, but I'd need somewhere to go before then which is what I'm most worried about x

[PinkCatty]

Yes I understand OP. You can’t change what’s done re bills in your name too. I’m talking about cutting your losses from this point on. He’ll drag you down with him, whether 10 weeks or 10 years. Save yourself and your daughter please

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Excellent advice from PPs, but I'm wondering why his mum would want to get involved in funding his gambling ... does this suggest a longstanding problem, which she's tried to help with in the past only to find it hasn't worked?

[Cassie1394]

@Puzzledandpissedoff I'm thinking it must be that. Maybe she thinks if she's funding it at least he can use his own earnings to keep a roof over our heads?x

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Yes, but you said you're worried that he's "still gambling" - how far does this go back, and what other measures has he taken to deal with it apart from running to mummy?

[Beachlovingirl]

Hi. I was in the same situation as you. MIL supporting BF's gambling habit. At first she didn't know, but then after I found out about the gambling I made him tell her. After that I thought she got it, but she still carried on funding it - it was a very distressing time.

After I found out I threw BF out (to his mothers, where else) and that was that way for 3 weeks until I found out I was pregnant.

The TL;DR is we got through it and BF has been clean for 2 years.
We aren't married. We own this house together (bought before the gambling was a known problem) and if we want to move, I will need to get the mortgage on my own. BF has a debt repayment program, cannot get credit, can't even have an overdraft.

[Cassie1394]

@Puzzledandpissedoff once we bought our home he cut back massively & would spend £10 on a Saturday as part of a works thing and that was it. I'm not sure when this excessive gambling has started again.. As far as I'm aware he only gambles on sports and it's only the horse racing and snooker back up & running so far?
If I confront him I know I will first be fed a pack of lies as whenever I've brought it up that I don't agree with him doing it it's played down.

@beachlovingirl
His Mum certainly knows he gambled I don't know if she knows that's what he is using her money for though? I couldn't even attempt to make him leave as I know he wouldn't go it would have to be me. How did you get through it? What support did he get and where from? Thing is I'm not even sure he would want to stop

[Bettalife]

Just sending a handhold. I’ve been where you are (divorced now).
I’d echo getting your ducks in a row and separating your finances from him as much as possible.
I found Gamcare helpful - they have a friends and family forum on their website and a helpline that friends and family can call for advice or just someone to talk to. I also got 6 counselling sessions through them (free) which I found really helpful.
It’s tough but you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on.
I wish you all the best.

[Cassie1394]

Thank you so much to you all for replying it really does mean so much at such a lonely time x

@Bettalife thank you! I will check them out. I feel ok for myself just very sad for my baby. I don't want this kind of life for them though x

[Beachlovingirl]

Cassie it sounds like your partner hasn't reached rock bottom yet. This is needed to break them out of their gambling trance "I'm better than the dealer" mindset.

My BF did reach rock bottom. The lies were all getting too much.
He even said his card must be being ised fraudulently and that was what all the WHO (william hill online) debits were - this is when he had spent the nursery payment and all his wages the day after he had been paid.

He needs to want to give you full access to his accounts. Banking, credir card, mobile phone. I say mobile phone because you can gamble using your phone bill so it doesn't show on the current account, but the phone bill is massive. BF's were £800 plus.

He needs to go to GA.

He needs to be accepting of you having all his username and passwords for all financial stuff, so you can wonder around freely.

He needs to admit he has a problem.

He needs to self exclude himself from all gambling sites.

You might need to reach out to his friends to see if he's borrowed money . Mine did and lied about the reason. "the car needs to be fixed" etc etc.

You need to decide if you are up for the rollercoaster.

[Bettalife]

@Cassie1394 I know exactly what you mean about the life you envisage for your child. I have four children. But actually they probably have a better relationship with their dad now because when they see him he actually makes time for them. When we were married he was frequently distracted (probably working out when he’d next be able to sneakily gamble and how he could hide the increasing debt from me). Now he can do what he wants in his own time but when he has the children (every other weekend) he genuinely seems more focused on them.

[Beachlovingirl]

Cassie - also. I did give BF the opportunity to change and he has - but he'll always be an addict and I have to accept that is part of who he is.

BF is a great dad, he has savings now, he goes half on the family spending. He had bought some lottery tickets and told me about it when he returned from the shop. We managed it together. I don't know if your partner is there yet. But if he is, I'm just saying it's not all doom and gloom.

[Cassie1394]

@beachlovingirl I agree, I don't think he's at the worst and I do think he has enough willpower to make sure he doesn't ever get there but it's still a problem.
He has banned himself from the shops in our area a long time ago & some online sites but for every 1 website there are 100's of others to sign up to!
To be honest I don't want the life of having to be checking up on him all the time & living on edge waiting for the next time. It's definitely not how I pictured I'd be starting my little family.
I'm so glad it all worked out for you though, you must have the patience of a saint and be so strong to have gone through it all with him x

@Bettalife I can't fault him as a Father, I know it's only been 3 short months but he adores our baby and I don't doubt that if we separated that he wouldn't continue to be a great Dad, like you said the time he would get would be allocated to just our child so it would be more of a focus for him x

[Jul1911]

Make him go on gamstop.co.uk. He can exclude himself from all online betting accounts there and if he goes into betting shops he needs a moses self exclusion, this will cover all betting shop companies in his area

[Beachlovingirl]

I am at a point where I don't need to check up on my BF either. We got through it. I just knew he was still such a decent guy, and my thing is always to look for the best in people - not sure that's not a curse lol.

Does he want you and his new baby to go your separate ways because of his gambling?

The rock bottom thing is important unfortunately. Before that point they have hope they can sort it all out with one big win. When they finally realise it's just a black hole - in my experience anyway - they can start the climb out (if they want to)

I think there are all sorts of things we don't imagine when we start our life. Gambling, porn, affairs, online affairs, sexless marriages, secrets. Our finances are totally separated and I earn very well. Even if things went south, the house can't be touched and neither can my finances or credit record. Me and my children are well protected, thankfully. It does put a cloud over us getting married - I'm not sure I can take that risk. But my BF tries so hard.

If your partner is committed to giving up his gambling life for you and his baby, then it's up to you if you give that a chance. If he's being nonchalant about the whole thing, then the outcome is a lot more uncertain. A reality check is needed.

you can private message me any time, if that helps! You're not on your own with this. :)