Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
What type of person should I be looking for?(15 Posts)
Just wondering if anyone can help me out here please?
Over the years it's become apparent that I am someone who doesn't like too much affection or sex. Even when I meet someone new at the start of a relationship it's not something I'm fussed with but I am aware to the other person this seems odd or cold. I tend to go along with it in the first few months and then slowly settle into my normal self.
Most ex partners have commented on my lack of wanting to give or receive affection on the same level as them and some have questioned my loyalty despite this not being an issue whatsoever.
I am not someone who relies heavily on affection to be assured of someone's feelings for me. For me it's more about the intellectual connection and the ability to be able to do things separately but in the same house, or just being able to relax and have a laugh about something on TV.
I enjoy my own company and solitary hobbies like reading, baking and gardening and very much enjoy a peaceful and relaxed atmosphere.
Does anyone think I am more suited to just companionship or is it that there is someone out there that would be suited to me? I am only 30 with a 3yo DD. I am career driven and financially independent and stable.
I just worry that I'll be own my own forever. It's not that I'm unhappy but the future seems a tad dull without having someone to share my life with in that sense.
You must be honest with people from the start what you are looking for like you have here.
What jumped out at me was that you go along with things and then show the real you later on. This is not fair on the other person at all and isn’t going to lead to a good relationship
I know I need and want affection so I am very open about that with people I date, so if they don’t like it they can move on to someone else.
Why don’t you try making some friends - a platonic relationship is equally fulfilling. I share my life with my friends a lot, so being single is much less of an issue
"I tend to go along with it in the first few months and then slowly settle into my normal self"
I think stay true to yourself, don't be too affectionate at first, take it slow and the ones that are more suited to you will stick around and the other's won't. Maybe try friendship/dating before anything too full on.
Thanks for the comments.
I appreciate I should stay true to myself and only do what I'm feeling to do.
How do I explain to potential people that I may encounter or chat to online that I'm not overly affectionate?
Will there be men out there that understand this and are similar to me?
It sounds like you're better off staying single and having friendships. You're not going to have a relationship without affection unless you find someone who wants the exact same and that's unlikely.
It doesn't sound as if you want what most people want out of a relationship. You're not offering much to a potential partner. No sex, no affection, no intimacy. Very few people would be satisfied with that. OK, some very long marriages end up like that but I can't imagine hardly anyone wanting that at the outset.
An uncomplicated friendship is what you want, and that's what you should be seeking.
I’m Left curious if you want companionship and friendship more ?
What do you seek for and want? as if sex and affection are low On agenda (Which is reasonable and fine !) maybe online dating isn’t for for you
It's not that I don't want any at all. I am just not as affectionate as most people would like.
For example. Watching tv I would be happy with having body parts touching like hands or feet, same in bed. I would and like cuddles on saying goodbye before work or on arriving home but not all evening on the sofa. Quick cuddle in bed before going to read or sleep.
Sex once/twice a week. Sometimes less if life is particularly stressful.
I assume this to be like the kinda stage where a couple is comfortable and secure but it still hasn't been enough for most people I've been with.
I was expecting you to say once or twice a year or something like that. What you say isn’t out of the ordinary. Just spell it out to people.
You sound normal ! Curious why do you think this fairly normal behaviour is an issue
Has some charming Ex said anything ?
Have a read of the book ‘The 5 love languages’ you need to look for someone who has a compatible love language as not everyone relies on physical touch to show / receive love.
Watching tv I would be happy with having body parts touching like hands or feet, same in bed. I would and like cuddles on saying goodbye before work or on arriving home but not all evening on the sofa. Quick cuddle in bed before going to read or sleep.
Sex once/twice a week. Sometimes less if life is particularly stressful.
That's kind of ... Normal?
it still hasn't been enough for most people I've been with
Two things struck me about this - one you say 'most' not all - I assume the people who didn't come under the "most" group were otherwise unsuitable somehow? You don't have to tell us but have a think yourself about them. Secondly how did the other people communicate it "wasn't enough"? What exactly did they want to be different? I think the details there might be illuminating.
Lastly you imply you know you've been acting other than your true self when in the early stations of relationships. It might be an idea to think that over and work out why you've been doing that. And don't be afraid to have a look at your childhood and how your family were. It has more of an influence than you think.
Thanks for your comments.
I am what you'd call a people pleaser and try and do what I think will make other people happy. I am fully aware of this but need to be more mindful of this when entering any potential future relationship.
People in the past have commented about me being 'cold' or 'uninterested' or have commented about my very organised manner about having sex. For example, before DD came along, Sunday used to be the day for sex as I was just so busy throughout the week. I guess I have issues with spontaneity. I'm very much a planner in all aspects of my life. It's not something I feel I can help and lessens my anxiety.
Most recently I've been told I've pushed someone away with my lack of wanting to be affectionate 24/7 and not wanting sex as much as him. I always felt pressured to be a certain way or he'd start to feel insecure. I've ended things because I couldn't cope with his constant need for reassurance.
I'm Acts of service for my love language and will look into buying the book. Thank you
I would look for someone with the same interests etc as you, and if and when your relationship develops and begins to include physical affection/sex, make your feelings known. The other person can either get on board or not. There are loads of blokes like you, despite the image of men being sex mad that society likes to project. It’s just a case of like needing to meet like, as with everyone.
Please login first.