My dad radiates negative energy

[Olivianat]

Hi Mumsnet,

I need some advise on how to deal with my father's constant negativity. We have never seen eye to eye but his behaviour and mood swings are starting to wear me down as I find myself retaliating to his constant complaining and negative comments on topics such as race, feminism, music, etc.

He is 61 years old and is still stuck in the old days. He believes that pop culture went down hill after the 80s and everything that has come after it is rubbish. He has always judged and belittled my taste in music and TV.

He is a huge racist and never speaks up for the BAME community, despite being of Indian origin himself. When speaking about social issues, I always speak up for the BAME community but he will always disagree and put his own people down. He has a strong affiliation with English people and white culture in general. However, he belittles his own culture and community, which I find extremely hypocritical since he's been married to an Indian woman for the past 30 years. He is a self hater and during my childhood, had a lot of influence in brainwashing me against my heritage and culture. I'm 28 now but I'm still greatly affected by his negative attitude and opinions.

His behaviour doesn't just affect me but also affects my mum too. She feels helpless a lot of the time as anything she says to him falls on deaf ears. He never listens to her and always speaks over her, so she has given up.

Does anyone has any advice on how to deal with a person like this? Many thanks.

[Aquamarine1029]

He is a self hater

That's the answer right there. He hates himself and misery loves company. As for dealing with him, I would be distancing myself. You will never change him and all he does is make you feel terrible.

[Bunnymumy]

Agree with pp.
Move away and limit contact.
Might be worth reading the 'stately homes' threads on mumsnet. He sounds like a typical covert narcissist.

[RLEOM]

It doesn't mean you don't have to have him in your life, just try and detach yourself emotionally. I've learnt ways to use my voice to avoid my dad's negative spiral (he can get heated about little things) by using a gentle voice to brush off the comment and then I redirect the conversation, and if he's still negative or upset, I make up an excuse and exit the room. Cool, calm and collected. It's much easier than dragging yourself down with them.

I often found myself feeling like a failure over my achievements due to his negative comments. I got a 2:1 in my degree and all my dad said, "Well done but it's not like you got a 1st." Asshole. He's not even academic himself! I digress... I've learnt that it's him and his problems and that I'm not the failure he makes me feel that I am.

[WinterAndRoughWeather]

You can’t deal with him, you just have to learn not to care about his opinions.

My mum and sister are racist and bigoted too, I no longer engage with them on any topics on which they have objectionable views (it doesn’t leave us much to talk about tbh!).

I tell myself - would it make a jot of difference to the world if I were able to change their minds? We’re all nobodies.

It’s liberating.