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Should I reply? Opinions please! (long)

(10 Posts)
milkymill Fri 21-Sep-07 12:28:53

I have not spoken to one of my closest friends for a few months now. The problems began when i moved around 200 miles away (already lived about 50 miles away). She came to visit with her 2 ds's who were 3.5yrs and 8mths at the time. I have dd 2.2yrs and ds 6mths.
They stayed for 5 days in my 3 bed house, and tbh it was a nightmare. My dd had was unwell and spent the entire time being totally freaked out by friend's eldest ds. My ds was also very clingy and 'scared' of other children being around. This led to a bit of a strained atmos as you can imagine.
Now - my dh does not cope well in 'hyper' situations, and was a bit stressed by it all after a couple of days.(Friend is a v.loud person aswell). One night he was trying to feed ds and there was a lot of noise going on, so he slammed dining room door shut and was generally in a bit of a huff. My friend had an early night and was going home the following day. Everyone said 'goodbyes' etc and that was that.
Friend rings me the next week, and basically starts 'slaaging off' dh. "How on earth do you put up with that? I didn't know he was so moody" etc. I told her not to take it personally, but was a bit cheesed and embarassed. Me and dh had a bit of a tiff about it, as he thought she had a cheek considering he cooked for them, gave up his bed etc...
Friend and i had a couple more tel conversations (usual chat) in the following wks. Then i found out she'd had a first birthday party for her ds and hadn't even mentioned it, let alone invited us!
I texted her saying "Did ds have a nice b'day? Hope everyone's o.k" just chit-chat.
She replied saying "Yes great thanks, shame you couldn't come as you were in the area. But your dh the misery, prob couldn't stand it.He wasn't nice to us when we came to visit, and this has driven a wedge between us. Sorry this is how things have turned out."
I was really upset and never replied. She sent email asking 'how we were' on ds's birthday, and now she has sent me a message saying she misses our chats and thinks about us a lot.
On one hand, I am still v.angry and feel that I don't need her friendship. On the other hand, we have known each other for a v.long time and been through a lot together. sad.
Thanks if you read this essay!!!

madamez Fri 21-Sep-07 12:33:33

Difficult one. Unfortunately friends don't always get on with partners - how do you get on with her DP? Mind you, even if she doesn't like your DH she doesn't need to make a big deal about it. Perhaps you could email her or ring her or something and say, look, you're sorry she doesn;t get on with your DH but you like him: perhaps the two of you should stick to mums&kids only socialising (partly becasue it does sound as though having them to stay was stressful for you anyway).

Pennies Fri 21-Sep-07 12:38:11

I would cll her to clear the air. Write down the few points that you are keen to make sure you get across to her and see how it goes. It would be a shame to lose a friend, but if you feel you don't need her friendship then you've nothing to lose shuld the conversation go badly.

IMO she's out of order slagging of your DH though. She made her point in her phone call to you and she should have left it at that. If / when you speak to her you must let her know that you have acknowldged that his behaviour upset her and that you have spoken to him about it and that you thought a line had been drawn underneath the issue and that it isn't really something you want to be drawn into again. If she continues to bitch about him tell her she is out of line.

WaynettaVonSlob Fri 21-Sep-07 12:39:04

How would you feel if you never saw / spoke to her again? If you'd be devastated, then you need to talk to her. If you can get over it then I'd say the relationship has run its course.
I have found that since becoming a parent I prefer to invest what little time I have in worthwhile relationships, and any that were too much effort have tended to drop by the wayside.

Because she lives so far away, it's unlikely you'll ever see her without your DH, so could you cope with knowing her feelings about him?

milkymill Fri 21-Sep-07 12:41:26

Well the irony is that she introduced me to dh! He went to school with her dh. The thing is they don't have much in common anyomore really, and only socialised through us. It's difficult being so far away aswell.
We've all always got on really well in the past. When her dh has narked me, i.e refusing to let her book a cheap wkend break with us because they've been on too many (with other couples, and they're loaded btw);I never said a word.

Pennies Fri 21-Sep-07 12:48:22

Well that will be why she feels she can be so open about him, but nonetheless thou shalt not slag off thy mate's DH (unless he's a serious tosser).

If you want to continue the friendship on any level then call her. She's the one on the wrong her IMO though.

milkymill Fri 21-Sep-07 13:03:41

Arghh, I'm so confused! Just told dh sh'e been in touch and he basically said "tell her to f off". He is a vey much 'one strike and you're out' type person. He reckon's he will never have anything to do with her again. Obviously she's my friend and it's entirely up to me though hmm.

newgirl Fri 21-Sep-07 14:10:29

you still live 200 miles away? if so i think that is the problem - it is going to be tricky to have a close friendship over the years with that distance anyway, and if she doesnt like your dh then staying is going to be impossible

i dont like your dh response to her either - he could have been a bit calmer about it

i dont like my friend's husband im afraid although I have never slagged him off it is probably quite clear - it means that i will not go to visit them and it is is just sad fact of life that friends just move on to other phases of their lives

i would reply kindly, keep it short and sweet, dont make a big deal out of it, but would probably not arrange to meet up again

milkymill Fri 21-Sep-07 18:30:32

Thanks for all of your reply's, it helps to hear from people who are impartial. Yes we are still 200 miles away. I know what you mean newgirl, dh is the most laid back and friendly peson in the world unless you 'wrong' him!

Elizabetth Fri 21-Sep-07 18:50:42

You could argue that the five days together were almost a disaster waiting to happen. Two families at such close quarters, particularly when it's on one of their's home turf could almost expect to cause a few fireworks.

I guess she's feeling hurt that your husband slammed a door at her and wants you to say something (not that you have to). It sounds like the two of them have put you in the middle of their argument.

Actually the bit that hasn't got a mention - that your two dc didn't get on with hers is probably as much of a problem as your dh being sulky and her taking offense.

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