I need to let this all out before I implode

[KaySamuels]

I am so .

My relationship with my mum is very starined - I feel:
she has never supported me (or my sisters) fully,
leant on us emotionally even as children (esp me as the eldest),
is very self involved,
is emotionally manipulative,
and sometmes just plain odd.
I have posted before about her having toys her gp's can't play with, her suspecting my dad of being a paedophile and staying with him, and so on.

I am having a hard time at the moment, finally went to gp a fortnight again about pnd (ds is 3 next month), and tomorrow I have an appointment with a mental health team worker to assess my level of depression, I also have my health visitor popping in for a visit. I have lost some work meaning a drop in money which was unavoidable but worrying, and DP is working an awful job which i making him ill with stress, but can't afford to leave.

My mum called tonight and spent an hour and a half talking about how skint she is, her colleagues (in great detail), the bus station, how she has had her AD dose doubled, etc. She asked what we had been up to, and DPs job, but did not ask how I was and whenever tried to get a word in would get staright back on about something else immediately. Last time I spoke on the phone with her she told me the last time she had visited me she felt suicidal the next day.

I am so sad, I cut my dad out of my life, my mum is emotionally more harm than good and I really need someone. I hate that I have such crappy parents.

[KaySamuels]

My mum will not get help by the way except for in pill form, she refuses counselling.

[themoon66]

She sounds very depressed. Not what you need at the moment though by the sound of things. Does she have any friends you could get to go to the drs with her next time, someone who could persuade her to take counselling as well as the pills?

Poor you. You don't deserve all this. You can choose your friends, but not your relatives..... at least I think that's how the saying goes.

[funnypeculiar]

Not what you need now, is she? Can you stay out of her way for a while whilst you get youself a bit more settled? Not cut her out, just avoid her a bit? My mum's a bit like this - will spend 3/4 hour telling me about her friends/minor issues before asking me how we are - drives me mad!

[KaySamuels]

I know it sounds harsh but I am past caring. I have always known her as a depressed needy adult. She has friends who tell her, as do me and my sis, she chooses not to tkae anyone's advice. I am suffering from depression and when I realised my ds was picking up on my sadness I immediately booked a docs appointment.

He is a child and it is my responsibilty to be there for him in all ways. We prop my mum up, she likes to play the victim and have people feel sorry for her and it works. She is a drain on my emotions and if I visit her I feel physically unwell afterwards.

When I go for my appointment tomorrow I will be making sure they refer me for counselling as I agree with my gp that pills on their own are not the way to go.

[KaySamuels]

I do not see her often anyway tbh, about once every 6 weeks.

[AbRoller]

Kay, sorry you're feeling like this

I can't honestly give you much advice because I can identify with alot of what you're saying yet I havn't managed to resolve much of it and am going to therapy weekly so I wouldn't be much help. I just didn't want your post to go unanswered and wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It's not easy but I'm seeing, for the first time ever that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I hope you will see that light too some day soon.

I'm not sure how feasible it would be but I would recommend counselling. I originally thought it a crock of shit and laughed at the 'silly' notions my counsellor put forward but that is a learned behaviour apparently and a lot of people find it hard to think of themselves first without letting the toxicity of some of their relationships strangle their sense of self. Takes a LONG time to accept that you can love someone, your mother and yet, not like them very much and that IT'S OK to feel that way. It takes a long time to cut the ties of negativity and stand up for yourself but it's not impossible.

I wish you all the very best and hope that you feel better soon.
Abs

[katyamum]

sounds like it's you that needs the tlc. my own sister is suffering from terrible depression, and our mother often manages to invert the situation so we will worry about her mental state (which was pretty horrendous as we were growing up, she had depression too, but is fine now). You need to deal with your own depression. The anti-depressants will help but you also could do with some therapy/a counsellor/someone you feel able to talk to without it being about them and someone you can lean on without feeling guilty. I would suggest that when you have your meeting tomorrow with the mental health team, you ask for some form of referral to a counsellor (psycho-dynamic counselling is drawn-out and lengthy, but allows you lots of time to talk, whereas cognitive behavioural therapy is more like a short sharp shock and lasts for a short period of time, but supposedly changes your thought patterns and behavioural patterns, which might be a good thing for you and your relationship with your mum). Also, do something nice for you this weekend. Get a massage or go out with some girlriends. Hope some of this helps. Have a hug from me (a big sister). x

[KaySamuels]

Thank you all so much. It is so hard, and it's reassuring to know that maybe things won't always feel so bad. I feel like an emotional orphan , and you are right, I am always the person that listens to other's problems, doesn't crumble, complain GPhas told me I will get referred for counselling and I am so relieved. I have been trying to struggle on alone and things were not improving so I went to see doc (finally).

I know deep down my mum will never change. I need to try and change how I feel about her but think it will be quite a task.

[katyamum]

my sister is struggling to overcome this very thing. I am sure you hit rock bottom and that motivates you to do something, anything, to change your own life. And when it impacts on your children that upsets you too. Good luck. You are doing your best and you can't do better than that.

[KaySamuels]

I think I was strung out anyway before my mum called - her timing was impecable! I am worried about HV coming who I haven't met before, and have even cleaned up! I have to meet two strangers tomorrow and instead of using the old 'I'm fine' line, I will have to tell them how I really feel and it scares me.

[bruces]

Your mother sounds so scarily like mine,she was an alcholic abully and a very cold and unloving mother,i spent years trying to please her,stop her drinking and to make her love me like a mother should.
The crunch was for me was 11 years ago when i was pregnant and realised that i could treat my own child the same,so i booked a gp appointment and managed to get in touch with a fab councillor,who really help me understand that the problems were hers not mine.
And 5 years ago when she was dying of cancer i went back for counciling,to help me deal with the fact that i'd never have the relationship i wanted,even at the end she never said sorry and she still tried to play my brothers and sisters against each other.
I am now approaching 40,fairly sane,have 3 great kids and a not to bad husband.
Step back from her for a while and get as much proffessional support you can,talk to friends and family you can truly trust to be honest.
Wishing you all the best.

[KaySamuels]

My dad was the alcoholic bully bruces , and I do think he influenced me in the way I feel about my mum, I never felt very close to her, but I think if you asked my mum she would probably say we were close when I was a child. She does herself no favours, isn't there emotionally, brings my dad up at any random opportunity knowing I have moved on from him and don't like tot talk about him. She allowd him to stay and treat us all how he did, and that told us she valued herself more than us, a message she seems to silently tell us even now as adults.

[KaySamuels]

I am off to bed as this is quite late for me good job not working tomorrow!

Thank you all for your kind words, will check on thread tomorrow.

[bruces]

Just try and focus on the good things you have in your life,and take a day at a time. I promise you in time you'll be strong enough to make the right decisions.And this is coming from someone who didn't attend her dads funeral and doesn't feel guilty about it! But thats another story and it's late

[jellybelly25]

She obviously can't cope with you actually needing her support instead of her taking support from you. Have a little distance from he rfor a while, recovering form depression is easier if you avoid people who drain you emotionally (other than dcs and dps )

So just stay away a bit. I have been there with PND and I remember telling the GP and junior Dr for the first time how sht I felt and crying for about half an hour in the surgery I looked like a pile of sht when I left, they have seen it all before, really. Good luck, combination of good counselling and good ADs will sort you out.

[katyamum]

hello kay. hope it went OK with the HV today and you're feeling bit more positive? It's always good to have a short-term plan, nothing too unrealistic. We can't solve all our problems in one fell swoop. Do your best not to contact your mum. Focus on you and your lovely family.

[KaySamuels]

Thanks for checking in all of you, didn't get chance to mn last night!

My appointmnets went well (did cry though) , and I have another appointment with gp on tuesday aft for ADs prescription.

I have been doing small tasks since I went to GPs on the 5th, I have succesfully put ds in his own room (we were all co-sleeping nd he was getting too big), and I have caught up on my acounts (four monthss worth), doing these tasks has given me a bit of confidence that things will eventually maybe get better I think?

[jellybelly25]

Well done that is good, getting a few things don't really helps. Don't aim for too much eg doing one load of washing is a notable achievement!

Are you working/have you been signed off?

You have done the right thing, good luck. And if you feel like having a miserable day allow yourself to do it but set a limit, eg. I will wallow until midday and then stop it and have something to eat... IYSWIM

Tell me to bugger off if this is unhelpful.

[MitfordSisters]

Well done Kay for getting on with things and glad the appt. went okay.

My sympathies are with you. Like you I have a motehr who is always a victim and very self-involved, and was either cold and distant or angry. I used to fantasise about belonging to otehr happier families that i knew.

It's so hard to deal with the anger ..

ANyway, you're not alone - sending you sisterly hugsx