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Messaging an ex

(9 Posts)
angelofmum Tue 26-May-20 19:37:36

Long story short, I'm married with kids but before I met my husband I was with someone for nearly 4yrs and we lived together. I'd known him most of my life as we grew up living opposite each other on a cul de sac road. He was a bit older and never interested in me until we were in our 20's and had left where we grew up (although our parents still lived there). I was close to his family and knew them from when I was growing up as well as the time I was in a relationship with him. His Mum died in tragic circumstances just before I met him and he obviously never got over it and struggled to deal with it over the course of our relationship. I recently saw on social media that his dad sadly passed away unexpectedly, which I was gutted about. I know how close they were since his Mum died and how hard this is going to hit him. I sent him a pm offering my condolences and had hoped he'd reply as even though we're not in a relationship (he's single) I still care about him as a friend. Our relationship ended on amicable terms and I guess we lost touch when I got married. I can't stop thinking of how awful his situation is with losing both his parents long before their time (he's in his late 30's). I guess because I saw what he went through with his mum I'm worried about how he'll take the news about his dad. I know it's none of my business, but he's not not just an ex as he and his family are part of my childhood memories. I'd like to reach out as a friend (my DH knows I sent him a message) but I guess an ex is the last person you want to hear from?

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Epigram Tue 26-May-20 19:39:38

It's really nice that you sent him the message, but if he doesn't reply I think you need to accept that you're not the person he needs to talk to right now. (Did he definitely get your message?)

angelofmum Tue 26-May-20 19:53:59

He did read it and I guess I feel a bit sad he didn't reply as I've known him pretty much my whole life and will always care about him (not in a romantic way). I've been feeling nostalgic in lockdown as you have time to reflect on your life. I'm very grateful for where I am today. It's just heartbreaking that some people are dealt such a rubbish hand😢

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lmfaoo Tue 26-May-20 20:10:05

Honestly I don't think it's entirely appropriate. If you've not spoken to him in a long time (so no longer friends) you messaging him now is going to bring up a lot of memories / feeling / emotions when he's particularly venerable. I can understand why you felt the need to message him but I can also understand why he didn't reply.

I am sorry for your loss though, it's difficult learning of someone's death who you were fond of and once knew well. Perhaps light a candle or raise a drink in his memory tonight?

angelofmum Tue 26-May-20 20:13:10

Yes I see what you mean, I won't contact him as I didn't think of it like that. We did stay friends after we broke up but lost touch when we met other people. I've seen him since when I've been to visit my mum as when his relationship broke down he moved back in with his dad, so we'd wave to each other if he was passing in his car etc.. but not properly spoken in a few years.

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isthismylifenow Tue 26-May-20 20:14:12

I lost a close family member recently and also received many messages via messenger, Facebook etc. It took me a while to reply to people as I just couldnt at the time.

Don't read too much into it that he hasn't replied to you. But it is nice that you did message. He is probably processing a lot.

angelofmum Tue 26-May-20 20:58:25

Sorry to hear you've lost someone close to you @isthismylifenow💐I can imagine the last thing you'd want to do is reply to lots of messages when you're grieving. It's been such a strange year and I don't think I've ever really sat back and thought about life the way I have recently.

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NoMoreDickheads Tue 26-May-20 23:27:47

It's up to him if he replies of course, but it's nice that you reached out. That you told your husband makes it above board (unless you're having other feelings of romantic nostalgia for this ex?)

As @isthismylifenow says, he might get back to you after a while.

angelofmum Wed 27-May-20 07:40:46

Definitely no romantic feelings and I even asked DH if he was ok with me messaging him and I told him what I sent. My ex was in a bad way after he lost his mum to the point I worried he would take his own life. Part of the reason our relationship broke down was because I was always trying to save him from himself and his grief. I can only hope he has a good support network now and having a child now with his ex should keep him going through this awful time

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