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Husband depression affecting the atmosphere.

(13 Posts)
blueglassandfreesias Mon 25-May-20 15:16:28

My DH has always suffered from depression but lately it seems to be so much worse and more regular.

I often look forward to things like bank holiday weekends but he seems to always be depressed on these kind of days.

It manifests in him loafing/ moping around, being snappy, sometimes seeming brighter ( I dont really trust it because this sunnier mood has gone before I get used to it), uncommunicative, shut down, doesn’t do jobs around house yet irritated when I get on with them, rude/ snappy to me in front of others, lazy with parenting, untidy, poor personal hygiene and just goes on his phone it reads a book.

I’m starting to contemplate ending our relationship. I can’t tolerate the constantly changing and
unpredictable atmosphere in our home.

He does go to therapy but won’t consider taking anti-depressants. Ironically it’s making me depressed and resentful.

Is there any solution?

OP’s posts: |
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Mon 25-May-20 15:20:23

Is the therapy helping? Does he think it's helping?

TorkTorkBam Mon 25-May-20 15:23:14

That's not depression that's being a dick.

Lots of people have depression without being a dick.

You are depressed now, does it magic you into an utter lazy dick?

TorkTorkBam Mon 25-May-20 15:25:45

What happens if you reverse your view. So, let's say your husband hates spending time with the family and is a lazy smelly bastard. He realises this pisses everyone off so now and again he makes a special effort to play nice. Look at it that way and what do you see?

blueglassandfreesias Mon 25-May-20 15:25:53

He’s a lot better since therapy (he’s been going for 2 years)
In the sense that he will now apologise and reflect on his part in an argument but the depression is so deep and so seemingly an intrinsic part of him that I don’t think he sees it as a problem. Maybe for him it isn’t but for me it’s a nightmare having him here one moment then the next he’s distant and far away. It’s a lot to live with especially as he wont contribute to the domestic chore side of things (apart from washing up)

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Mon 25-May-20 15:28:06

the depression is so deep and so seemingly an intrinsic part of him
You are describing his personality. His personality is this. He is having therapy to learn to control the negative behaviours driven by his personality but it isn't making that much of a dent.

Bananalanacake Mon 25-May-20 15:48:46

I had a BF with depression, he took anti depressants. When he was bad with it he would go home and not contact me until he felt ready to meet. I appreciate this isn't possible as you live together. I would give him space.

tenlittlecygnets Mon 25-May-20 15:50:59

especially as he wont contribute to the domestic chore side of things (apart from washing up)

That's not depression, that's being a lazy, entitled arse.

It's not much of a life with him, is it? He's not your partner in any way, is he?

Might be time to call it a day. Your mental health may well improve...

Spillinteas Mon 25-May-20 15:55:43

Depression Fallout is a brilliant book that talks about what happens to other family members when someone with in it has depression. It’s a really good book.

Some people are beyond help and it’s hard to see what’s is now their personality and behaviour and what’s the depression, for some the two are heavily entwined.

Depression does change some people for good.

Look at if you can live like this for next ten years.

Also too good to leave too bad too leave is another great book I highly recommend

DPotter Mon 25-May-20 18:46:14

When it reaches the point when you need treatment for his depression - it's time to have a radical re-think about the relationship. I know - been there, got the t-shirt.

blueglassandfreesias Mon 25-May-20 19:40:28

Thank you for your advice everyone. I have just ordered Depression Fallout thanks for the recommendation.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Mon 25-May-20 21:34:46

I grew up with a dad like this and it was very damaging to my sister and I, to live under a cloud and walk on eggshells. We've both been left with severe anxiety issues, and I've never been able to work significantly (I'm 43.) We aren't in settled relationships and I would never want to live with a partner as I wouldn't want to live at the mercy of someone else's moods.

Please leave for the sake of both your DC and yourself.

And if he won't help with things it's no wonder you're resentful.

That he won't take medication despite the effect of his condition on you is even more irritating. Have you said to him how his moods make you feel? I think you could make it a condition of you continuing the relationship that he goes on medication (and if one doesn't work, go back and try another rather than just drop it. There are loads of different things they can try.)

Elieza Mon 25-May-20 22:01:57

My ex was horrible to me. It was getting me really depressed.

Eventually I couldnt handle his behaviour any longer and gave him an ultimatum: to go to the doctor and get appropriate medicine for his bipolar/depression or we were through as my own mental health was suffering because of his selfishness.

He went to the doc . Within a month he was like a different person.

(I split up with him later due to other things).

Defo speak to him so he knows his behaviour is affecting all of you and it’s not acceptable. Why does he not want anti-ds? If his eyes needed glasses he’d get them. So if his brain needs something he just refuses. That makes no sense. He needs to man up and get on with it or you need to take dc and go.

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