Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Does anyone else fantasise about leaving husband/partner(11 Posts)
Me and DP had problems before lockdown but Jesus Christ this has really brought them to the surface. Our relationship started to unravel when DD (2.5) was born and I had mental health problems that he didn't understand or help with. I'm not the world's best mother and made some mistakes (nothing major, I gave her hot milk by accident a couple of times) and he berates me for being a bad mum.
In lockdown we argue daily,sleep in separate beds and try to avoid each other. My day involves me trying to look after DD full time and trying to cope with him until eventually he goes to bed. He is not abusive per se but screams at me regularly, tells me he hates my family and questions it if I leave the house for longer than an hour without him or if I buy new clothes or something I get accused of having an affair. I feel trapped and controlled. I just feel there is so much more to life. I fantasise about leaving all the time. It's even worse at the weekends when he's constantly around and I can't escape him. I don't love him and feel miserable at the thought of being stuck with him. I think he knows and is depressed too. It's certainly no way to live. I have little money ( I work only 3 days per week and pay for my car) and he pays all the bills. Did anyone in a similar situation manage to leave?
I think you've answered all your own questions here... make that fantasy a reality.
I know plenty of people on low salaries with kids who have upped sticks and left and managed (although hard to begin with) to start their lives again.
You are married? You are entitled to 50% of what's his
He's not abusive ... but
Well in my opinion he is abusive
He sounds like he's not very helpful with your daughter, if you've had mental health problems in the beginning he certainly hasn't helped, I don't see what he's bringing to the relationship for you to stay
I'd be looking into going to a women's refuge because he is very abusive.
If he screams at you regularly, he’s being abusive. He’s not an abuser, but it’s an abusive trait he needs to sort out.
But more about you, you’re unhappy and you have good reason. Get some courage and plan on leaving. Get some money together, do you have family you could go to?
OP I'm shocked you don't think his behaviour is abusive. Why would you think it isn't?
Stand back from the situation a little then reread your post, particularly the from where you say He is not abusive per se but screams at me regularly, ...
How would you feel, as an invisible bystander, if you watched your grown up daughter in the same situation with her partner? YES this is abusive behaviour and it's good for neither you nor your child to be in this environment.
What is the situation regarding accommodation? Are you joint on the mortgage/tenancy? Is it just your place, or did you move into his place?
Do try and speak to Women's Aid and/or Shelter in the first instance to see what your options are if/when you decide to separate.
In the interim do try and mentally withdraw and be as non committal as you can and certainly keep your cards close to your chest regarding your desire and, hopefully, plans to separate as he's likely to get even more difficult as you move away from him. Good luck @SBLL 🌹
Yes definitely make a plan to leave. I remember fantasising about leaving my exh. Then I did it. It wasn't easy, but I had to. Now it's turned out better than I ever could have imagined. I'm so much happier, and apparently so is he.
Of course he is abusive. Being abusive doesnt just mean giving someone a black eye. You can destroy someone verbally, to the point where they consider suicide to get away from you, and never lay a finger on them. Abuse us where someone makes you suffer physically OR MENTALLY.
Why can't you leave? Financially things will be tight, but your DD will be in nursery soon, and your partner will have to pay child maintenance. Wait until the lockdown is over, if you like, but start making your plans. Do NOT tell him that you are making plans. Good luck.
He is verbally abusive and you need to leave. Can you make plans to leave after lockdown/in time?. If you’re working thats good and he’ll need to pay maintenance. Would you have family you could stay with in future until you got on your feet? Make some plans and get some legal advice too. Good luck
re your comment:-
"He is not abusive per se but screams at me regularly, tells me he hates my family and questions it if I leave the house for longer than an hour without him or if I buy new clothes or something I get accused of having an affair".
Abuse is not just physical in nature. He is both verbally abusive and paranoid. I guess also its one rule for him and another for you i.e he can go out whenever he chooses. What this man wants here is absolute power and control over you and in turn your child. Also when he screams at you, she hears it all. She cannot afford to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women.
Make your fantasy about leaving him a reality, seek help and support from Womens Aid here too, I would seriously consider going to a refuge. Abuse like this can take a long time, years even, to recover from and that process will only start once you and he are fully apart.
Please login first.