My anxiety is ruining my relationship

[Varenne]

I've been with a man for almost a year. I've never felt this way about someone before and it's been great albeit there have been some tough times due to my overthinking things.

I feel like lockdown is making me a nightmare. My anxiety is getting worse day by day (I'm already on medication which has helped up to now and also speak to a therapist). All I can think about is the future and whether we will get to live together, get engaged, get married, have kids etc. I'm 34 and I'm worried about time ticking on but of course can't say that as it sounds awful!

He's said the right things in terms of wanting some of those things in future but I definitely don't think he wants to discuss it now and I recognise it's too soon. I'm just struggling without being able to hear some sort of absolute commitment. I struggle with seeing things in shades of grey, it's all very black and white to me...you're either fully in or fully out. I know this isn't how most people think and I'm getting so upset with myself for not just being able to enjoy the here and now.

I'm sorry, I don't even know what I'm asking you all, I just feel so down and I know I'm pushing him away by being like this. How do you balance with a partner who doesn't move at the same pace as you?

[ColdChickenSoup]

I understand the black and white aspect of what you are describing. I have aspergers so overthinking, anxiety and a lack of certainty is a big problem for me.

I use a lot of self talk to get me through.

What happens if you talk to him. And I mean talk rather than unleash your anxiety?

I have been in the fortunate/unfortunate position of having been in a relationship with an incredibly anxious autistic man in the past and it realy helped me see just how pointless it was, as well as damaging.

I used the fable of the sun and the wind to explain it to him. And the expression about attracting more flies with honey than with vinegar. I use both of those to manage my own anxiety.

Plus, I have a couple of safe places where I offload when my overthinking triggers a meltdown - a couple of friends who I empty my brain out to in a text message (or 20). They keep it safe, don't judge and don't talk to me about it unless I want to afterwards. I find that is more helpful than keeping t in my head where it just seems to get bigger. Would that help you?

Realistically, you can't push someone after not even a year for a commitment on any of those things. All you can ascertain is if you both want very different things, which would make it a non starter.

Tbh, if someone was pushing me on any of those big life decisions after less than a year, I'd feel very backed into a corner and end it. I know that because I have done in the past. I eventually ended it with the very anxious man because his anxiety was causing me so much stress.

[Varenne]

That's really good advice and you've hit the nail on the head with a few things! When I talk to him he's great, very calming. He's just not a forward planner whereas I am to the extreme. It's a core part of who I am and my career is even built around it. The uncertainty of a relationship is a huge scary challenge and this is the first time I've been with someone and care enough to be so frightened that it will somehow all fall apart. Ironically, I'm causing that by worrying about it :(

We have discussed moving in together at some point but for practical reasons can't do it any time soon. Despite knowing this, I keep bringing it up just to check it's still what he wants in future. I get so annoyed with myself as it sounds pathetic and naggy and it's not how I mean to come across

[ColdChickenSoup]

Despite knowing this, I keep bringing it up just to check it's still what he wants in future. I get so annoyed with myself as it sounds pathetic and naggy and it's not how I mean to come across

Ok. This is the sort of thing I do loads.

I find that if I write the things down so that incan go back and read them, then they become more tangible and constant.

Being able to read something is more settling than hearing or remembering it.

Repeatedly telling myself that nothing has changed since yesterday and everything was fine yesterday. It takes a lot out of me and I often forget this one which triggers a meltdown. Sometimes writing it down again helps.

And, actually, not constantly seeking reassurance helps massively. Seeing that life can continue with you obsessing over it is also helpful.

[ColdChickenSoup]

*without you obsessing over it