I want to leave husband but no where to go

[Lostsoul1979]

I’m new to mums net, so I’m sorry if I don’t know the shorthand. Sorry this is going to be a long post.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 18, I’m now 40 and he is a similar age. The start of our relationship was fun and exciting but since we had kids, I haven’t felt a equal in the relationship. There have always been signs he is selfish and narcissistic but I was young and in love, so turned a blind eye to his behaviour.
Our 2 daughters are now 15 and 16 and are very independent. Spending lots of time with their friends (normally) or in their bedrooms, doing school work, social media or FaceTiming with friends.

Since our children were born I have felt a lot of resentment. I’ve had to sacrifice working full time and for many years only work 2 days a week on minimum wage. My husband worked his way up in his job and now has a well paid job. I now work 30 hours a week in a average paid job (currently furloughed). I’ve always done the lions share of cooking, cleaning, childcare and everything else to with the house. Even though my work hours have increased I still have to do everything while he does no housework, he normally does the school run and cooks basic dinner 3 nights a week. His excuse is he pays most of the bills ??? Percentage wise I pay more of my wages out on bills, kids and food. Leaving me with not a lot of money left. Although he does pay most of the bills, he still has plenty of money left over as disposable income, money that he normally spends on himself. Alcohol, going out with friends or whatever he feels like. In the past he has been generous to me and the kids but mostly he is selfish with his money.

Since lockdown started I’ve had loads of time to think about our relationship. Over the years we’ve had lots of good times but the bad times out number the good. Maybe it’s because I can’t get away from him, I’m feeling trapped and want to break free. Normally we lead very separate lives. I’m furloughed but he is still working. (2am - 11am five days a week). Out normally routine, is him working, out with friends or sleeping. Mine is working or being at home. Now he is at home a lot, I’m hating him being around. It’s like having another child to run around after.

It might not sound too bad as he has never physically hurt me but he is mentally abusive. I get the blame for everything that goes wrong, I’m made to feel a rubbish mum and wife. He often brings up my bad relationship with my parents. For example today while arguing he said “Why don’t you just move in with your mum and dad?”, he knows I’ve not spoken to them for over 2 years. Looking back it seems I moved out of my parents because we didn’t have a good relationship and moved in with him because the situation was slightly better. Turning a blind eye to his bad points because the alternatives were worse. I’m also looking back and seeing how he has manipulated and controlled me over the last 22 years and never made me feel truly loved, often putting me second best.

I’m sick of putting up with his bad habits and personality and want to put myself first for once. The more I think about it, the more I just want to move out and get away from him. I have a number of things holding me back... money, children (I’m not sure they would come with me), no family or friends to help me and just fear of the unknown. My sister lives 300 miles away, I’m sure she would help if I told her but my children wouldn’t move that far away with me. Also my work ties me to this area but rent is too high here.

I really don’t know what to do

[FTMF30]

Have you tried speaking to him about how you feel? You mentioned bringing up him not doing hid fair share but there is so much you've mentioned here that you really should tell your husband.

Unfortunately, I don't think now is the best time to try and leave your husband and it may be the current situation making you feel like this.

If you reslly want to leave, I think you should try to put some money aside first. Leavingbon a whim with little money could lead to disaster.

[Lostsoul1979]

I’m not perfect myself and when I do try to bring up any concerns, it results in him shouting at me, breaking something in the house and pointing out my bad points. Nothing is resolved. So I just avoid it.

I’m trying to think long term and trying to squirrel some money away. All finances are separate, so he won’t know but it will take me years to save up a few months rent.

[FTMF30]

Ok, that sounds awful! I'm sorry you have to live with that.
I honestly don't know what to suggest but it's good that you are saving for the long term. Could you not look for a ft job or one that pays more? If your DC are 15 and 16, surely they don't need much childcare?
You have to begin starting a new life for yourself where you are independent and that could begin with improving your finances.

[Elieza]

Agree with the above. In the meantime start buying cheaper groceries if that comes from your budget? Aldi is great.

[Techway]

Firstly there will be a way to leave. Keep the faith.

Start to plan, what do you know about the finances? House mortgage or equity? Can you access to see if he has savings, pensions?

Do the children see the arguments? Why would you think they will want to stay with him?

A divorce will get you to a situation where you can separate, try to line up a solicitor.

[JPlusTwo]

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, you sound really sad and I think a lot of others will agree that feeling deeply unhappy in a marriage as well as emotional abuse is a very valid reason to want to leave. Lockdown is forcing people to step away from the daily current and slow down, with that comes time to think about what’s important and what makes us happy. You are doing the right thing by thinking about yourself and not just him and the children - your well-being is just as important, and it sounds like he’s made you feel anything but happy over the years. Definitely agree with squirrelling away what you can, and try writing down how you feel so you can come back to it and reflect before talking to him about how you feel. Wishing you lots of strength and hope for a brighter future x

[Windmillwhirl]

Dont be disheartened that you cant just go. This may take some time but where there us a will, there is a way.

Is there a way you could get to a solicitor when lockdown eases? You may e in a better financial spot than you think

[madcatladyforever]

Provided he isn't going to be violent start divorce proceedings, you don't need a solicitor you just need to send off the divorce petition to the court and he cannot ignore it.
No reason why you can't have an initial consultation with a solicitor.
Don't just leave when half of the house is yours.
If he gets aggressive call 999 and have him arrested, that will teach him who is in charge now.
I've done it. It's interesting to see a bloke who thinks he is in charge turn into a mess. Obviously don't put yourself in danger.
Don't just leave with nothing, you are entitled to half of everything.
Divorce is never going to be easy or comfortable, it is always really, really hard so you may as well go out fighting. Do not be driven out into poverty with nothing.

[madcatladyforever]

Have a look at online divorce paperwork, be prepared for lots of threats, blustering.
Luckily the courts don't give a shit what he thinks.

[wondermine]

Have you had advice about what you’d get if you split? Is there money in the house? Half of that would be yours. Get some advice. It might be easier to leave than you think

[JetSetGo]

Relationship over. He has to move out then sort out divorce. Prepare for arguments.